Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

9 Bumps

* Edit x3* Anyone change their mind or consider changing their mind after adopting? Placing child back up for adoption?

We adopted a very medically complex preschooler from foster care that had their spent entire life in a hospital. We had custody of child for 1 year until finalized, during that year we poured ourselves into our child and the childs care, child overcame everything caseworker and Doctors said would never happen. Once adoption finalized, all support disappeared, I was hit with some unexpected health issues and depression, to the point that I thought it might be in the best interest of child to place child back up for adoption as I feared I would not be able to care for childs medical health. I spoke with caseworker, in hopes of support and help in finding support of some sort, instead caseworker threatened to open a case on us for neglect and threatened to take our healthy biological child also into care. The only neglect that took place was that of us parents placing our children health and well being before our own! We did NOT go thru with placing our child up for adoption, we could not take the pain of never seeing our child again. Close family and friends told us we would never find anyone to care for our child the way we have.

I felt betrayed by caseworker after everything we had been thru, how dare anyone accuse us of neglect, when it has been the complete opposite! If we had support and sleep, I don't think we would have had any of these issues come up. I felt like everyone turned their backs on us when we needed them the most!

Has anyone been thru something like this?

Edit... We have searched out resources, but it is very difficult to find help because our child has a trach and anyone caring for our child has to be trach trained. Weget very little sleep due to suctioning our childs trach during the night so oxygen doesn't drop. We tried overnight nurses but they all came reaking of cigarette smoke and most didn't know how to monitor oxygen stats or change pulse ox probe. Our child also gets plugs during the day and I have to suction and do emergency trach changes and ambu bag reccusitation to get my child to start breathing again. Every time our child goes to see a specialist or hospital our child completely regresses backward and we have to start all over with everything our child has learned. There have been times our child has plugged up every dsay for a week, and every other day for a month after visiting the hospital. Our child goes so fast, changes colors, blue purple, gray, closes eyes and I have to ambu bag our child to get our child back, I cannot express what that does to watch your child go thru that, what it puts our whole family through every time.... 


This has NOTHING to do with finances, the support we lost was not financial. It was the support of all of our childs care team working together once the adoption finalized. 


It is alot easier to say we knew what we were getting into, but when the adoption finalized all of the support disappeared. We have used, we hired a woman to stay in our childs room overnight to suction her 3x's a week so we could get a nights sleep, she quit after 2 weeks because she it was too much for her...


I want to clarify we are NOT placing our child up for adoption. I am just wondering if other families have gone thru this. I feel there should be more support for adoptive families, especially with special needs children...

Respite Care... We have been unable to find anyone trust worthy to do respite care for us, especially with our child having a trach, we have not been able to find anyone trained in trach changing emergecies. We found one family that claims they do respite and adoption, they had over 10 special needs children and teens in their home. We spoke with them about respite, they agreed, but were very pushing about wanting our child immediately, and painting and redecorating a room for our child, made us very uncomfortable... 

Nursing agencies.... We went thru 2 different agencies in our area, both sent smokers, we do not smoke or allow smoking in our home and or child was new off of a ventilator and not allowed around smoke, neither could find overnight nurses that did not smoke! 


* The first agency would not even give us a new nurse, they begged us to continue using the one that reaked of cigarette smoke. We switched agencies, they sent us a smoker, then sent us another nurse sick with the flu, ended up the second nurse didn't even have her physical and tb test results turned in to the agency!


Asked by Anonymous at 4:21 PM on Nov. 6, 2012 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (24)
  • I don't understand. Nothing could ever make me consider placing my child for adoption. I am a single parent of a adopted child. No matter how tough it got that was never an option.

    Answer by booklover545 at 4:44 PM on Nov. 6, 2012

  • She didn't ask for your's or anyone else's sympathy
    She also very clearly states- she didn't know all support (staff and aide- no mention of financial) would disappear once the adoption was finalized.
    She has requested assistance in caring for the child she now sees as her own and was threatened with losing the bio because she needs help

    It may be a poorly worded question but it doesn't take a Master's in the English Language to understand she's asking us for assistance and ideas to make her situation work better for all members of the family, even the newest addition.

    Answer by feralxat at 6:49 PM on Nov. 6, 2012

  • The child, once you adopt it, is as much yours as your biological child. The fact that you would even broach the subject with an official of the state is amazing to me. Were you considering giving up your biological child too?

    Answer by adnilm at 4:24 PM on Nov. 6, 2012

  • what you endured was monstrous! so wrong. but to answer your question, i deelpy regretted giving up my 13 year old. I screamed for hours at home after the signing and handing off. but I always kept his needs first before my own.

    Answer by ScoobyDooknew at 4:26 PM on Nov. 6, 2012

  • The youngest girl we adopted many moons ago actually came from a Psych Hospital and she was only 5 at the time. By the end of the first 6 months once it had been finalized we were totally wiped out. Physically & emotionally. There wasn't any help from the social worker. What saved us was a wonderful couple at our church who offered to take the kids (3 adopted) for a weekend. We sleep almost 24 hours! Then we spent the next day just spending time together and working out a plan of how we could take better care of ourselves. Part of that plan was to take time for ourselves. We hired babysitters, found foster parents who could handle her, etc. It was better for all of us. Today I am happy to say that while she's not what anyone would call "Successful" she has really suceeded because she has a job and is holding it down.

    Answer by baconbits at 4:29 PM on Nov. 6, 2012

  • Have you looked into respite care? I know through some private foster car agencies if you have a child with special needs (mental, emotional, or physical) a foster family can take your child for the weekend, or stay in your home for a weekend so you can get a break from the constant care. it's not putting your child into the system, or infringing on your parental rights in any way. It's a known fact that those who care for dependent family members (children, parents, spouses) are at a greater risk of depression and anxiety. You need a break to recharge and remember who you are.

    Anyone who judges you for that has never been the caregiver for someone who needs you 24/7- no breaks, no vacations. No matter how much you love someone when you lose yourself it's not healthy.

    Answer by Annabel1809Lee at 9:24 PM on Nov. 6, 2012

  • neither could find overnight nurses that did not smoke!

    now this I find unbelievable. Not saying it was a fault on your part but they certainly didn't look hard enough among their own staff.

    Answer by KristiS11384 at 10:04 PM on Nov. 6, 2012

  • Hugs

    Answer by mamide02ninas at 4:23 PM on Nov. 6, 2012

  • No, but there is support out there. Have you contacted the local special needs groups? I haven't adopted but my oldest has autism and we've received a wealth of support from the local community. I'm sorry for what you are experiencing health wise but search out resources to help.

    Answer by missanc at 4:27 PM on Nov. 6, 2012

  • No, truthfully I have never heard of that type of issue. Thoughts and prayers are with you though.....

    Answer by m-avi at 4:53 PM on Nov. 6, 2012