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4 Bumps

What do you do if you found out you've been lied to for the past 2 yrs?!

I will try to make a long story short. My middle son just moved back home a few wks ago after his relationship failed. He'd been living 2 hrs away w/ his fiance' at his fiance's mom's house. The girl I thought just turned 19 actually just turned 17!!! I have such a broad range of emotions right now! The lying & the fact that the mother lied too. And what mother allows her 16 y/o dau to get engaged & moves the 20 y/o bf up to live w/ them?! I know we can't unring the bell here, but I need time for the whole picture to sink in. And could he get in any trouble? I mean her mom allowed all this to happen & knew they were all keeping me in the dark about. Ugh! What would you do if you were in my shoes?!

 
mrsmom110

Asked by mrsmom110 at 7:15 AM on Nov. 11, 2012 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 46 (243,044 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (17)
  • Hey MrsMom I know it's a bit of a mess and a shock, but your job, rent & regaining trust is right on track. I think you should check the laws where you are just in case there are future problems.
    Adnilm I think that if the shoe were on your foot reality might be a little different than your hard line approach. Sometimes life if messy and people make mistakes.
    tessiedawg

    Answer by tessiedawg at 9:36 AM on Nov. 11, 2012

  • If he was 18 when this all started? He was a grown man and he made that decision himself. Right now I would tell him to hurry up and find a job and move out of my house. Sense he lied to you for 2 years about that. Don't let him take advantage of you anymore.  If he has someone else he can live with like his dad  or other friends. Tell him to go move in with them.  I would defently make him pay some rent/utilities. Or give him a time limit to move out. Do not treat him like he was the victum in this. He LIED just like thay did about her being 16.

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 7:58 AM on Nov. 11, 2012

  • If I were you I would pull up tons of news stories of 20 something yr old getting thrown in jail for being with teens and being listed as a sex offender for the rest of their life. Scare the fuck out of him.
    The chances of him getting in trouble are probably slim since the teenagers mom is the one that let him move in. It would look bad on her but our justice system is so fucked up her mom could report him and ruin his entire life.
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 10:24 AM on Nov. 11, 2012

  • Even if Mom lied about it and was okay with it at the time, if she and the girl get pissed enough, they could lie and he probably could face some legal issues. But, he chose to do it, so he'll need to deal with whatever consequences arise from that choice. I know it's hard for you to deal with, but all you can do is stand back and let him deal with it now.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 8:13 AM on Nov. 11, 2012

  • Your son has been home a few weeks now, if her or her mom wanted to make a big deal out of this, they would have by now.

    Your issue now is your son and his betrayal to you. Kicking him out is not the answer if you want to continue any kind of relationship with him.
    But, he needs to earn your trust back. Insist he get a job, take him out and help him fill out applications and push his ass in the door to turn in apps. Make him report to you when he leaves the house. Your house, your rules.
    Don't lose sight that we have ALL made mistakes. Time to repair the damage and move on. Hugs from a mom with a 22 year old son.
    PMSMom10

    Answer by PMSMom10 at 1:07 PM on Nov. 11, 2012

  • Well, you are going to have to let it all sink in, just as you said.

    I don't know if he can get in trouble or not, you might want to ask an attorney.

    Hugs to you and I'm so sorry. It is going to be difficult to trust your son for a while.
    kjrn79

    Answer by kjrn79 at 7:42 AM on Nov. 11, 2012

  • If the mom allowed it, probably not but, geeze! Your son needs to run away & never look back. What a dysfunctional family!
    3libras

    Answer by 3libras at 11:16 AM on Nov. 11, 2012

  • My thought bottom line, though, is just hang in there! This is hard! But moving forward in a positive way certainly is possible.

    Respond in a way that affirms your unconditional love, clarifies your personal limits, shares your personal feelings, and supports his freedom to choose how to proceed.

    Best wishes to you!
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:40 PM on Nov. 11, 2012

  • There's nothing you can do. He'd have to start working and supporting himself fast, because I'd give him very little except a roof over his head,
    RyansMom001

    Answer by RyansMom001 at 8:11 AM on Nov. 11, 2012

  • Consequences are possible arrest and spending the rest of his life having to register with the offenders list.
    Your son lying is a whole other ball of wax. That's a pretty big lie. And I'm sorry he did that to you, you must be devastated
    Now, he is now an adult and if it were my son, I would make him feel full consequences for the behavior, I'd tell him he had to leave. He is an example for a younger sibling and you being wishy-washy is not going to help the younger sibling.
    I would have not tolerated the living with someone at such a young age anyway. If it were me, I'd take a long hard look at myself too
    adnilm

    Answer by adnilm at 9:05 AM on Nov. 11, 2012