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Moms with adult children...

This is sort of a S/O from an earlier question and I was bothered by one of the responses. I just want to hear what/how you feel.

Your adult child, you raised to be an honest, trustworthy individual, goes out and makes a mistake that COULD have serious complications, do you feel it is a reflection of bad parenting?

 
PMSMom10

Asked by PMSMom10 at 4:21 PM on Nov. 11, 2012 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 46 (229,575 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (27)
  • Good grief no.** Look, most of us work hard to instill in our children the differences between right and wrong, we try to help them anticipate the fallout from bad decisions. But, ultimately, they have to learn to stand on their own two feet and that requires mistakes. The same types of mistakes we all made when we were young and stupid.

    That said, IF they make a major mistake, it is up to us to not make things all better (at least too often) If we don't allow them to not only make mistakes, but have to extricate themselves from them then they learn nothing and everyone's lives will suck.

    **Disclaimer: Not including parents who neglect their children, or any other parenting nightmare....just average parents.
    Mrs_Prissy

    Answer by Mrs_Prissy at 4:47 PM on Nov. 11, 2012

  • I'm personally sick and tired of parents being blamed for things their ADULT children do. ADULTS have minds of their own. Yes maybe they see things growing up but that doesnt not force them to make bad choices.
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 6:29 PM on Nov. 11, 2012

  • The thing is that once a child becomes an adult, the only person who can take responsibility for their actions is themself. There are many children who are raised in terrible home situations. Their parents do a shitty job of it and for all intensive purposes, are crap parents. And many of those kids go on to lead a healthy, productive, balanced life as adults. Conversely, there are parents who do a phenomenal job raising their children. And some of those kids go off to lead a life of crime, laziness, and poor decision making in their adult years. The ONLY person who is responsible for those decisions is the decision maker.

    That being said, as parents, it is our goal and responsibility to raise our children with morals, respect for people, compassion, etc. We poor into them and hope for the best, but at the end of the day, they will become adults, we have to let go, and they will make their own decisions.

    Cont ...
    theMOMmission

    Answer by theMOMmission at 6:12 PM on Nov. 11, 2012

  • We may look at those life choices and shake our heads at times and other decisions will make us beam with pride, but all of those decisions belong solely to the adult child. They are theirs and theirs alone, their choice, their consequence, their responsibility.

    So to sum it up, in their youth, we are responsible be be good parents, proactive parents, parents who teach morals, critical thinking, and decision making. But in the end, the responsibility belongs to that of the adult child. Even children who are raised very poorly must take responsibility for their actions and choices as an adult and many of them do so very admirably. It is not the parent but the child who makes decisions in adulthood.
    theMOMmission

    Answer by theMOMmission at 6:16 PM on Nov. 11, 2012

  • first off, I can not blame ny gradnchilds other grandparents for a deadbeat dad....they adopted himadn raised him to be a gentleman and to NOT hava child and neglect said child, he does this on his own, he had every opportunity given to him to be a dad and HE with them all over his case made th choice to finacially and physically be out of her life. NO, he is nto a reflection on them.

    I raised my daughter to be respectful, help around the house etc yet as an adult she is the most disrespectful person I know and she is very lazy! So, knowing I would never speak o my parents the way she does etc, she is not a relfection of her up bringing, she is a reflection of those she chooses to hang out with that have parents who think being friends is more important than respect.
    luvmygrandbaby

    Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 5:12 PM on Nov. 11, 2012

  • It really depends, honestly. Overall, I think it's normal to make mistakes & to have to learn from them the hard way when we're young. And, parents certainly can't be held responsible for decisions they're in the dark about. I smoked a lot of pot in college, was that a reflection on my parents...no, I lived in the dorm, not with them.  My parents had no clue.  I made good grades & held down a part-time job. 


    But, an ex friend of mine's, 18 yr old DD is pregnant.  She is not married, engaged or even in a relationship anymore, she only has a GED & has never lived away from home or has been forced to hold down a steady job.  She's never had to pay for anything she's wanted or really suffer any consequences of her actions...she's an example of bad parenting. 

    3libras

    Answer by 3libras at 5:35 PM on Nov. 11, 2012

  • Exactly, ^^^

    Sometimes it causes them to do the exact opposite. My mom was a shitty mom. She basically abandoned me at 2 yrs old & popped back into my life at 19. Because of her, I strive to be the best parent I can be.
    3libras

    Answer by 3libras at 6:34 PM on Nov. 11, 2012

  • It's a wonder I didn't turn out to be a drug addict or alcoholic. Neither of my parents drank but I was from a large family with a mom who was a narcissist. I happened to be, by roll of the dice, the scapegoat. While my next older brother was the golden child. I know personally how family dynamics work. And those that look the healthiest and most functional on the outside are sometime the worst. I'm not calling anyone anything, I am pointing our that I have seen and heard some of the most child damaging things on this board. Moms punishing severely for every infraction, and worse. If you don't think those sorts of things leave their marks...I have a condo I'd like you to see.
    What do you think of all those moms who are in abusive relationships come from? Healthy people pick healthy people.
    adnilm

    Answer by adnilm at 8:48 AM on Nov. 12, 2012

  • My son did mess up and no I never took it as a sign of bad parenting. I worked harder and changed my parenting skills went to therapy and parenting classes. I know sometimes even with help it comes to a point they have to take their own behavior into their own hands.
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 4:32 PM on Nov. 11, 2012

  • Possibly. Not always. I think children are always watching what we do and how we react to different situations.
    This unconditional love being confused with everything is permissible love causes a lot of heartache in this world. I can unconditionally love my child while not condoning or accepting his behavior.
    adnilm

    Answer by adnilm at 4:46 PM on Nov. 11, 2012