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Late night pondering... for you fellow night owls :)

This is a touchy situation. Ten months ago, my sister & sister inlaw had too much to drink at a family dinner. They began making rude remarks so they went to the front porch as to keep their language from the kids' earshot. I hung around late as my kids were having fun with their kids, and so I stayed a bit longer. I went to the porch to say my goodnights to the ladies before I dropped the "let's go" to my children. What was such a nice evening drastistically ended with my sister and sister inlaw viciously verbally attacking everything about me. They ganged up on me, saying my kids thought they were too good because they're straight A students and very involved in school activities. They attacked me about my husband, my home, my car, and my job. Everything that came out of their mouths were in anger, jealousy, and seemed to me pure hatred.

I never lost my temper and just told them that I will not continue a conversation with a pair of drunken wives, and if they want to spend time with my family & I in the future-it will be an alcohol-free event. We left and I couldn't help but feel ambushed and hurt. I was totally betrayed by my sister because she doesn't even like our sister inlaw and talks about her all the time. I thought my sis inlaw & I were close friends. Needless to say, I stayed away for ten months.

My sister called me two weeks ago to apologize over the phone. She also informed me that her fiance set a wedding date of Dec. 1st, 2012. She said she would my daughter to be her flowergirl.

I forgave her. I want to have a good relationship again, but I think its too soon. She doesn't know my home address and she keeps hinting at visiting and planning at my house, but her girlfriend is the maid of honor. I don't trust my sister. She said some unbelieveably hurtful things to me. I feel if I reveal personal info of my life, she will use it against me like she did that night. She has become so vindictive. She has changed for the worst. My sister inlaw has been called a b*tch many times but multiple people close to her. I tend to overlook it and believe everyone is capable of having a heart. Plus I love my brother very much and I would never hurt him in any way. My brother is my favorite sibling.

How do I tell my sister that I don't want to hang out? She is expecting me to just jump back into things like nothing happened. She has invited me to accompany her to watch her get a tattoo, shopping, wedding gown fitting. She continues to hint at coming to my house. She is NOTORIOUS for coming over without calling. She has asked multiple times for my address so she can mail my wedding invitation. However she lives with our mother and I visit mom about every two weeks at her job or other places.

I don't want to associate with her because I feel like I can't trust her. She doesn't get it. If I say something, she's going to take it the wrong way. I just know it. I don't know how much longer I can keep making excuses. Ladies, I know I can be blunt and tell her where to shove it. But I'm trying to keep the peace and be the bigger person here. Any helpful supportive advice would be appreciated.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 3:24 AM on Nov. 13, 2012 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • I would tell her exactly what you told us. I'm sorry all that happened to you.

    Answer by teeg1 at 4:03 AM on Nov. 13, 2012

  • It sounds to me like she wants to use your house as a party planning station. Tell her NO! If you want to try to mend the relationship thats fine, just don't give her your addresse until you can trust her again

    Answer by FroggyFeet at 5:17 AM on Nov. 13, 2012

  • i would tell her how you feel the way you posted it here. i agree with you about not giving heryour address until you can trust her and if/when you decide to i would make it clear to her that she HAS to call before coming over

    Answer by MooNFaeRie30 at 6:12 AM on Nov. 13, 2012

  • Why not just be blunt about it. Next time she tries to get you to be chummy, just tell her that you have no particular desire to be friends with her and that she killed a large part of your feelings for her when she abused you. She's your sister, you should remain civi to her but you don't have to be bosom buddies with her. And I wouldn't give her my address if she's going to drop in whenever she pleases. It's your home not your parents'.

    I am also very sorry that you had to deal with all of this. Don't feel down because of it - their jealousy is their problem not yours. They should be happy that your kids and you are doing so well, not spitting venom about it.


    Answer by winterglow at 7:14 AM on Nov. 13, 2012

  • It stinks to have your feelings hurt. But, and I don't mean this harshly, you are sounding a bit of a martyr to me. How can your sister not know where you live? I understand being hurt, but either you forgive with all your heart and let your family member back in or you set clear boundaries.

    Answer by adnilm at 8:18 AM on Nov. 13, 2012

  • I'd just tell her that I don't need a formal invitation but I'll see her at the wedding. I wouldn't drag my kids into it either so my dd wouldn't be in the wedding.

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:17 AM on Nov. 13, 2012

  • No harshness taken, adnilm. I know it seems martyr-ish. Especially when I tell you this part. I am the oldest child. I married well, meaning I have a faithful DH. We have been blessed only through the glory of God. We own nice things. We always share the blessings with family and friends. I have been accused of being a goodie-goodie because I have given my nieces & nephews gift cards in hundreds amounts over the years, for birthdays and christmases. I do mean well. If I have it, I want to bless with it. Also, she doesn't know my address because we got a new house last year. She never came over because we do not allow alcoholic beverages in our home, she knows this so she didn't bother stopping by. We put our foot down in summer of 2011. Prior to that, she would come over buzzed up or wanting to party in our home about every other weekend w/o calling. She expects me to be lenient to her & tell my DH otherwise. no way! *sigh*

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:35 PM on Nov. 13, 2012

  • My sister was angry with me a few weeks prior to the family dinner. The reason: She saw her old boyfriend from her early 20's at a gas station in the next town. She tried to wave & catch his attention, but he didn't see her. I told her that he is married now and his wife just gave birth to their 1st child. This information meant NOTHING to her. She found out where he works through a mutual friend, and wanted me to go tell her ex that she is interested in reconnecting. I absolutely refused to do this which infuriated her. She got so upset that she stopped talking to me until that night of the family dinner. When my brother invited me, he said our younger sister wouldn't be there as he didn't call her. But as usual, she showed up. We were civil through the dinner. When it became clear they had too much wine, I got up to leave. And that's when I was ambushed, on the front porch.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:55 PM on Nov. 13, 2012

  • Tell her exactly what you said on your post. If she really wants a relationship he will understand. I would not be anyone's doormat family or not.

    Answer by booklover545 at 2:49 PM on Nov. 13, 2012

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