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5 Bumps

As a step mom, do I come before my boyfriend's parents?

In regards to my step daughter, not my boyfriend. When we have her, I look at her as my own. Heck, when it comes up in conversation I even say, "my daughter" when talking about her. When she's with me, I'm her mom for that time.

I'm concerned not only about Thanksgiving but being around him parents in general. What I mean about coming before is if I can tell them not to give her something or not to let her do something..along those lines. I've talked to my boyfriend about it and he said says that I'm her mom when shes with us. Ok, I get that but what if his mom and I disagree about something in regards to her? What if she pulls that "you're just her step mom" bull shit?

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SaraD1989

Asked by SaraD1989 at 1:31 PM on Nov. 15, 2012 in General Parenting

Level 18 (5,457 Credits)
Answers (49)
  • No I don't think so since they probably know her longer than you. It would be a total insult to tell her Grandparents what they can & cannot give her unless it is obviously a drink or a smoke! LOL JK. It's common sense really. You may come off as a real Snot! Just be nice & enjoy the dinner. You may be over thinking all this & overcompensating. Keep calm & carry on!

    ILovemyPaulie

    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 1:36 PM on Nov. 15, 2012

  • You may feel like her mom. But, yes, you're just her step mom. Her mothers input (unless she's unstable) should always come first.
    3libras

    Answer by 3libras at 1:37 PM on Nov. 15, 2012

  • No, not really. I think it would be best for everyone if you didn't expect sort of "instant" status with your boyfriend's family. This will take time and patience to achieve. Your step daughter to be is ultimately the responsibility of her parents and to expect her grandparents, who have know her her entire life, to automatically defer to you will only cause a lot of tension and slow the blending process
    Mrs_Prissy

    Answer by Mrs_Prissy at 1:39 PM on Nov. 15, 2012

  • If your fiance is around I would defer to him and if he isn't and obviously her mother isn't around, then you would be the next responsible party.

    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 1:40 PM on Nov. 15, 2012

  • I think you and you bf need to have a talk and lay things out on the table cause there may be things that end up in conflict.
    mommys2cupcakes

    Answer by mommys2cupcakes at 1:42 PM on Nov. 15, 2012

  • My boyfriend is a typical dad. He wants me to be a mom to her. Him and I have agreed on how things will go in our house. I don't see why we should let those things go just cause his parents are there. Yes, he should be the one to handle some things but I won't run to him if he doesn't see something that they shouldn't be doing. I can handle those things ourselves.

    Just an example. She's 14 months and we do not allow a pacifier in our house. If my in laws ever tried to give her one, I'd tell them she's too old for that and she can't have it here.
    SaraD1989

    Comment by SaraD1989 (original poster) at 1:43 PM on Nov. 15, 2012

  • I think it's fine to tell them not to give her something, but don't add 'because I'm her mom'. Give your reason (she's allergic, she'll be hyper, etc) and leave it at that. If they push, decide if it is worth the fight or better to let it go. His parents have been parents a lot longer than you have, so don't insult them by being territorial.

    Work any disputes out like adults, which includes not assuming they'll give you a bunch of BS before it ever happens.
    anng.atlanta

    Answer by anng.atlanta at 1:45 PM on Nov. 15, 2012

  • Are you even married yet? Because she isn't your stepdaughter until you're married. And if I was in that family, I'd resent the hell out of you for referring to her as your stepdaughter.
    FreeForAll

    Answer by FreeForAll at 1:46 PM on Nov. 15, 2012

  • Yeah, I see that as over-stepping your boundaries. Saying, something like "we don't give her pacis" might be better but, you can't tell them what they can & can't do with their own grandbaby, in their own house. I mean, do you want their to be peace or not? If so, you need to stop acting so controlling.

    3libras

    Answer by 3libras at 1:48 PM on Nov. 15, 2012

  • I'm asking because I've felt awkward before with them and her. She hardly sees her dad's parents and therefore isn't close to them. She, however, took a shine to me from the get go. She always wants me instead of my boyfriend. She's done that in front of his parents too and I didn't know how to react. I didn't know whether to let her come to me or make her stay with them. It didn't seem to be a big deal to them but I don't know how they would feel if that happens on a regular basis.

    I think I've decided to just stay home with my son on Thanksgiving and let my boyfriend and her go to his parents if he wants. My parents are a two hour drive and so it wouldn't be logical for us to go up there. I pretty much put no stock in Thanksgiving anyway.
    SaraD1989

    Comment by SaraD1989 (original poster) at 1:49 PM on Nov. 15, 2012

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