I have so many things on my mind and most ppl will read the first sentence of this and exit out with the thought, "Oh, another one of these." If you choose to do so that is fine, but if you do take the time to read this i would like to start by telling you that i appreciate you taking the time out to do so.
Im a wife with two beautiful baby girls. I have a husband that works very hard for our family. We are not rich but we are blessed to have what we have. I live in a very small town and just bought a house 2 years ago. I have my kids, a very dedicated and committed husband, food on the table for our family and a roof over our heads....but yet, i feel so empty.
Pardon me if i talk in circles. Honestly i dont even really know what my intentions are in writing this or why im even doing so, i just feel the need to write/type...get my feelings out and maybe this will help me sleep.
My mom left me when i was two which gave my dad full custody of my brother and I. We were doing great until my dad died in a car accident when i was 10. I moved in with my grandparents. The normal teenage issues happened throughout my years in highschool until my sr year. My grandpa started to be weird and he began to not so much molest me..but try to touch me and would touch me in inappropriate ways but hiding through playful "wrestling". That changed me tremendously. Long story short, i never told anyone. I lost every friend i had due to the anger, i would snap over nothing. I was extremely depressed and wanted to literally die. I then met my husband. I felt happiness and i ran with it.... literally. We met in late October, moved in together that same November, got pregnant on purpose in feb. and then married in March. So basically i knew him for hardly a month before i dedicated my life to him. This has caused a lot of issues in our marriage. Not only did we fight alot...but we did not know eachother well at all so we thought we were perfect until the true colors started to show.
We have worked through so much together and i couldnt imagine my life any other way. I love him so much. I know every woman thinks this, but he really is not like other men. Sometimes i wish he would be more controling just so i didnt HAVE to control so much lol he is just so respectful and commited to this family. But as far as our relationship? I don't see how i could possibly complain about anything seeing how he is the kind of man every woman looks for...but the romance is not there. It never really has been and i think we both have to blame for that. But my biggest problem right now is dealing with this.
My ex was crap. (arnt they all) But no really he is lazy, doesnt care about anyone but himself and he is actually really kind of scary the way he can brag to me about hurting someone. Doesnt exactly sound like your Knight in shiny armor now does it? lol Well for some odd reason.. for 2 years he was mine. My husband and i have been together for almost 3 years now, and in the course of our marriage i have often thought about my ex. I know exactly what it is....it is the romance and the connection that we had.
My husband never really makes me feel special. The way he DOES make me feel special, is the simple fact that he is willing to work so hard to take care of our family and that i know he would never ever go outside our marriage because he has so much respect for me. Other than that, there is not romance or real connection between us. When we have sex its always been just ...sex. With my ex...we always had that connection. We couldnt get enough of one another. And even though i knew the relationship was wrong in everyone elses eyes and the big picture.... it felt so right when i was with him. But with my husband? Everything feels so right with everyone else, the big picture...but when its just him and me, it does not feel right there is no connection, no flame, nothing but a good roomate and team player.
I saw my ex recently. My husband does not know this but i feel it was a good thing i did. All those feelings of feeling like i was missing out on great love, definitely whithered away once i saw the same old him even 3 years later. Lazy, careless, selfish...irresponsible. But now after doing so i have been in some kind of funk. I feel depressed, confused, guilty, worried, anxious. You may think its crazy that i shared a short part of my personal life in the beginning but i feel it may all be relevent to this.
I have always felt the need to get attention from other men. One devoted person is not enough. I hurt a lot of ppl in my past. Leading them on, making them fall in love with me and then bailing. I am terrified i will lose everything that i ever loved and what is most important to me if i keep this up. I have not cheated on my husband, but its been hard not to. I feel sad all the time and lonely. How is my family not enough?
I hope someone can relate and give me advice. I cant afford counseling and im falling apart.
Asked by Anonymous at 2:00 AM on Nov. 18, 2012 in Relationships
Answer by staciandababy at 2:15 AM on Nov. 18, 2012
Answer by jeanclaudia at 2:30 AM on Nov. 18, 2012
Answer by PMSMom10 at 2:35 AM on Nov. 18, 2012
Answer by PMSMom10 at 2:39 AM on Nov. 18, 2012
Answer by KarenT214 at 2:53 AM on Nov. 18, 2012
Answer by Ballad at 3:00 AM on Nov. 18, 2012
Answer by PMSMom10 at 3:02 AM on Nov. 18, 2012
Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 3:36 AM on Nov. 18, 2012
Answer by pinkdragon36 at 11:24 AM on Nov. 18, 2012