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4 Bumps

For anyone who cares....

I have so many things on my mind and most ppl will read the first sentence of this and exit out with the thought, "Oh, another one of these." If you choose to do so that is fine, but if you do take the time to read this i would like to start by telling you that i appreciate you taking the time out to do so.

Im a wife with two beautiful baby girls. I have a husband that works very hard for our family. We are not rich but we are blessed to have what we have. I live in a very small town and just bought a house 2 years ago. I have my kids, a very dedicated and committed husband, food on the table for our family and a roof over our heads....but yet, i feel so empty.

Pardon me if i talk in circles. Honestly i dont even really know what my intentions are in writing this or why im even doing so, i just feel the need to write/type...get my feelings out and maybe this will help me sleep.
My mom left me when i was two which gave my dad full custody of my brother and I. We were doing great until my dad died in a car accident when i was 10. I moved in with my grandparents. The normal teenage issues happened throughout my years in highschool until my sr year. My grandpa started to be weird and he began to not so much molest me..but try to touch me and would touch me in inappropriate ways but hiding through playful "wrestling". That changed me tremendously. Long story short, i never told anyone. I lost every friend i had due to the anger, i would snap over nothing. I was extremely depressed and wanted to literally die. I then met my husband. I felt happiness and i ran with it.... literally. We met in late October, moved in together that same November, got pregnant on purpose in feb. and then married in March. So basically i knew him for hardly a month before i dedicated my life to him. This has caused a lot of issues in our marriage. Not only did we fight alot...but we did not know eachother well at all so we thought we were perfect until the true colors started to show.
We have worked through so much together and i couldnt imagine my life any other way. I love him so much. I know every woman thinks this, but he really is not like other men. Sometimes i wish he would be more controling just so i didnt HAVE to control so much lol he is just so respectful and commited to this family. But as far as our relationship? I don't see how i could possibly complain about anything seeing how he is the kind of man every woman looks for...but the romance is not there. It never really has been and i think we both have to blame for that. But my biggest problem right now is dealing with this.

My ex was crap. (arnt they all) But no really he is lazy, doesnt care about anyone but himself and he is actually really kind of scary the way he can brag to me about hurting someone. Doesnt exactly sound like your Knight in shiny armor now does it? lol Well for some odd reason.. for 2 years he was mine. My husband and i have been together for almost 3 years now, and in the course of our marriage i have often thought about my ex. I know exactly what it is....it is the romance and the connection that we had.

My husband never really makes me feel special. The way he DOES make me feel special, is the simple fact that he is willing to work so hard to take care of our family and that i know he would never ever go outside our marriage because he has so much respect for me. Other than that, there is not romance or real connection between us. When we have sex its always been just ...sex. With my ex...we always had that connection. We couldnt get enough of one another. And even though i knew the relationship was wrong in everyone elses eyes and the big picture.... it felt so right when i was with him. But with my husband? Everything feels so right with everyone else, the big picture...but when its just him and me, it does not feel right there is no connection, no flame, nothing but a good roomate and team player.

I saw my ex recently. My husband does not know this but i feel it was a good thing i did. All those feelings of feeling like i was missing out on great love, definitely whithered away once i saw the same old him even 3 years later. Lazy, careless, selfish...irresponsible. But now after doing so i have been in some kind of funk. I feel depressed, confused, guilty, worried, anxious. You may think its crazy that i shared a short part of my personal life in the beginning but i feel it may all be relevent to this.

I have always felt the need to get attention from other men. One devoted person is not enough. I hurt a lot of ppl in my past. Leading them on, making them fall in love with me and then bailing. I am terrified i will lose everything that i ever loved and what is most important to me if i keep this up. I have not cheated on my husband, but its been hard not to. I feel sad all the time and lonely. How is my family not enough?
I hope someone can relate and give me advice. I cant afford counseling and im falling apart.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:00 AM on Nov. 18, 2012 in Relationships

Answers (14)
  • Use a vibrator. Stay away from your ex.
    staciandababy

    Answer by staciandababy at 2:15 AM on Nov. 18, 2012

  • There is a lot going on here from your teen years to present. Like all of us, lots of stuff to work through. I really think, though, that you might consider looking into YOU and not your ex or husband. What do you do in life that contributes to your well being and self esteem? Once you start doing something meaningful to you, this other stuff might feel less insurmountable. Working on things with your husband, might be worthwhile again. You might be able to bridge the "team player" feeling and bring it up a notch. Maybe try new things with your husband and keep in mind, this poor guy, he probably thinks about the possibilities he missed out on too. Men are human beings as well. They hurt too, they lust too and they wonder, what the hell did I do? We all want lust. But, it's short term. Invest in your husband who has proven to be a pillar of strength and love. Maybe you need to be the teacher to him and change it up a bit? GL
    jeanclaudia

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 2:30 AM on Nov. 18, 2012

  • I too married a man that I liked more than loved. I say this sincerely. He was 180 degrees different from my ex. My ex was abusive and mean but sex was amazing. Ultimately the abuse was too much and I left him.
    I met my husband and he was caring, doting, loving etc. But, we too rushed into marriage without completely knowing each other.
    I decided kids would be best for our relationship, so after several miscarriages, we had a son together. I was able to focus on him and then his brother, who was born 4 years later.
    But, it still didn't seem enough. For 5-6 years, I contemplated on leaving him because I wanted more. Then one day I realized that I married the man of my dreams and decided to turn my depression and attitude about our marriage around and started expressing my appreciation for him versus thinking of me.
    Our sex life got better as well as our love for each other. *continued*
    PMSMom10

    Answer by PMSMom10 at 2:35 AM on Nov. 18, 2012

  • We'll be married 30 years in April and I thank God everyday for giving me the strength to work through my emotions and on our marriage. He truly is my best friend!
    Communication is the most IMPORTANT thing in a marriage. Talk to him about your feelings and see where it goes. GL
    PMSMom10

    Answer by PMSMom10 at 2:39 AM on Nov. 18, 2012

  • It's a shame you cannot afford therapy because you would benefit from it. It's good that you are able to lay out your experiences of your life in words. It seems as though you are really trying to examine yourself to put the puzzle together on why you would not be attracted to a man who offers so much-and yet feel this passion for a man who really offered nothing.You talk of your need to be wanted by other men, but end up abandoning them and not really wanting them. I think your issues hinge on several things. One biggie is that your mother abandoned you as a toddler (that is HUGE), then your father dies suddenly when you are 10 - another form of abandonment. Then a few years later, the people that you've been entrusted to - your grandfather betrayed your trust with inappropriate touching-a form of molestion.You've never known the deep trust of love from your earliest experiences. Always taken away, you are unable to trust.
    KarenT214

    Answer by KarenT214 at 2:53 AM on Nov. 18, 2012

  • I know how you feel. It's hard to be lonely in a marriage. But you clearly have some positive feelings for your husband. Maybe decide to focus on one positive thing every day, starting with the easy ones like how he takes good care of you and respects you? Positive feeds positive; negative feeds negative. So once you start noticing the positive things, more positives will be encouraged. What if you start leaving love notes in his briefcase or lunch box, so he thinks of you while he works?

    As for the sex thing, would your husband be comfortable going to an adult toy store? Lingerie, lotions, sultry movies? Maybe you could rent a room in one of those fantasy hotels with big hot tubs? There's a lot out there, and there's no shame in exploring to find out what gets your juices flowing.

    Also, low-cost counseling may be available through your county or church to help you with your difficult past. Good luck, Mom.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 3:00 AM on Nov. 18, 2012

  • What Karen said is SO true!

    It's really hard to have trust with anyone, when you've been hurt so bad!

    Open up your heart and trust your husband, that he'll ALWAYS be there for you! You deserve happiness and he'll provide that, I promise :)
    PMSMom10

    Answer by PMSMom10 at 3:02 AM on Nov. 18, 2012

  • OP, I can actually tell I know how you feel! Thats the way it is with my husband also. And like you, I know he wouldn't stray cause he respects me. My husband works hard, gives me money whenever I need, and sometimes he gives me money to make sure I had some. He to is the perfect man many women want. He the type you read about in romance novels. It does annoy no end that when I ask him a question like what does he want for dinner,"I don't care, whatever you want" Or maybe ask him if wants potatoes or rice.."It doesn't matter " I know many think I am nitpicking, but it get old when he refuses to answer a question. I would love for him to take control for awhile! I would suggest take some marriage counseling. AS for finding someone to talk to, do you have a community mental health clinic in your area? They sometimes get the help you need without any money by basing it on what you make a year. Have you told your DH about this?
    Michigan-Mom74

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 3:36 AM on Nov. 18, 2012

  • I know how you feel, but ask yourself this how are you going to deal with the issues from the past? You can join a support group for what happened remain anon and take care of it. Also maybe you need to sit down with your husband and have a talk. Its hard to be in a relationship when you do not talk. Maybe you can also find a group a play group in your area make some friends and have people in your life to talk to. GL Momma
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 11:24 AM on Nov. 18, 2012

  • Thank you everyone for your advice. You seriously have no idea how thankful i am, i am so glad you made a comment. Each and everyone of you have helped me in some way.
    Actually my husband and i are very open. Thats why im feeling the guilt. Because here lately have been seeking attention from other men and have not said anything to my husband about it. But the thing is, is when we would talk, he never really listened or took me seriously. That and if we talked about what needed to change in our relationship he never really made a big change. We used to be physically abusive towards one another, we were wrong on both of our parts. But I began to realize that fighting was no way of solving anything so i just stopped and walked away to cool down so i didnt do anything stupid but he didnt change at all. Until one day he made my daughter cry and since then he changed. I am so proud of him for overcoming that because his anger.....
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:51 PM on Nov. 18, 2012

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