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Very torn about even considering adoption..

I have been married a little over a year to a man who has been both physically and emotionally abusive. He has a serious addiction to pain pills which has him now incarcerated. Up until a week ago we were living apart and headed to divorce court, and now he wants to enter rehab and attempt to salvage our marriage.
4 months ago while my husband was on a drug binge I began talking to another man, and ended up cheating on my husband and becoming pregnant. My husband had a vasectomy and there is no way this is his child. We both have several children from prior marriages and this is not what he agreed to when he married me. He is beyond devastated at the thought of me being pregnant by another man, and I surely understand that. He asked me to have an abortion over a month ago and I could not. The man I has the affair with is a disaster as well. I am torn, not sure of what to do. I feel no connection to this innocent baby and I know it is all my own fault. If I keep this baby I will at a minimum lose my marriage, be forced to raise this child alone..... I don't know what to do. I am not even certain that I could go through with an adoption. Please give me some advice. Thank you very much.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 1:03 PM on Nov. 19, 2012 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • Give that little baby the BEST life possible. Let her be adopted by a couple who really WANTS & NEEDS her. Give her the thing she needs the most, a secure & loving family. A life without despair, sadness & upset. GL. :(


    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 1:17 PM on Nov. 19, 2012

  • You are going to continue to get treated that way because you allow it, rehab or not. Trust me, I've been there.. What you do with the pregnancy is your choice..But, giving away a child because YOUR ABUSIVE MANIPULATIVE HUSBAND says no? Thats a no go..


    Answer by MsViv at 1:21 PM on Nov. 19, 2012

  • If you do decide to give baby up for adoption, I personally know a wonderful and loving couple who are incapable of having their own children and have been on a waiting list for a very long time to adopt. I could see about connecting the two of you...if you have a Facebook.

    But do not do it just because your husband wants you to get rid of the baby.

    Answer by hopeandglory53 at 2:40 PM on Nov. 19, 2012

  • Oh sweetie, I am so sorry you are going through this! I cannot imagine how hard this would be. Just looking at this from the outside, my advice is to go through with an adoption, so that the baby can have a great life, and you can go on with yours. But if you cannot do that, or if at any point you do feel attatched to the baby, then just give it the best life you can, and don't worry about your husband. He doesn't need you, the baby does. HUGS!

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 4:15 PM on Nov. 19, 2012

  • Hey Jackie how u been sweetie and op I feel badly for you hunny but I agree with Jackie 100 percent

    Answer by mamide02ninas at 8:34 PM on Nov. 19, 2012

  • So your husband, who is abusive and manipulative, says that either you give up the baby or you give up your marriage? Seems like a no-brainer to me. Men who are physically abusive do not change. Abusers are abusers to the core, counselling or no counselling. Consider this baby to be a blessing - because s/he is giving you an excellent way out of a situation that was utterly intolerable!

    Grab this opportunity to leave and start a new, healthy life for yourself. Go through with your divorce. Do not make any decisions about the baby yet. Please also see your doctor about prenatal depression just in case.

    Why would it be such a bad thing to raise this baby alone? There's an expression in French "It's better to be alone than in bad company". Is your abusive, drug junkie of a husband worth more than your unborn child?

    Answer by winterglow at 3:39 AM on Nov. 20, 2012

  • I hadn't seen the part about only been married a year. You were on the brink of divorce after only a year. Try to look at the big picture. In one year:

    - he was physically and mentally abusive,

    - he was incarcerated for drug abuse,

    - you were so unhappy you went and had sex with another guy,

    - you have been living apart,

    - you were ready for divorce.

    That's an awful lot of things to happen in one year. I can hardly get over the fact that things are this bad after only one year. Is it worth trying to salvage? Like I said, once an abuser always an abuser - there is no magic solution. If you can't bear the idea of adoption, can you bear the idea of bringing a child up in such an unhappy home?



    Answer by winterglow at 8:38 AM on Nov. 20, 2012

  • Do not neglect yourself or your unborn baby! Keep your head high and take good care of yourself!
    If you can't see being the baby's mother, there are so many wonderful parents who would welcome your baby

    Answer by madmueller at 10:33 AM on Nov. 20, 2012

  • Have you seen a counselor for yourself? It can help you decide what you should do and help you break the pattern of picking bad men.

    Answer by gdiamante at 12:09 PM on Nov. 20, 2012

  • Make sure you weigh out your options....talking to a therapist would be best. Or even a social worker could help.

    Is adoption is an option, I know of several families hoping to adopt that are truly lovely families...

    I hope for you peace no matter what you decide.:)

    Answer by ggandsmom at 6:35 PM on Dec. 28, 2012

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