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4 Bumps

How to deal with a 15 year old step son.

His is, poardon me , an ass .

He came to live with us 7 months ago, after his mother died. She spoiled him. He is self entitled, spoiled, rude, mean to my small child, dirty, mooches off others, and won't lift a finger unless yelled at. He lies to therapist. Therefore they won't see him anymore. He has taken itemsfrompeople who feel sorryfor him. He will use anyonefor anthing.
I amready to leavemyhusband tokeepmy small son from learning these traits.
HELP.

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LorieKF

Asked by LorieKF at 9:58 PM on Nov. 20, 2012 in Teens (13-17)

Level 2 (8 Credits)
Answers (15)
  • His mother died less than a year ago. His entire world has been turned upside down and, to top it off, he's a teenager at a very difficult age during the best of times.

    I doubt you would expect anyone else to complete their grieving process in this short amount of time so why are you expecting it of your stepson? How does his father attempt to handle the situation? Are you all in therapy or only him?
    Mrs_Prissy

    Answer by Mrs_Prissy at 10:01 PM on Nov. 20, 2012

  • Yes he's still grieveing for his mom, he is young and this is a very hard thing for him to deal with. He needs to feel loved and accepted at your house. If you were to leave his father your child would still be around their brother because his father would get visitation.

    Aside from him lossing his mother, he may have other issues. These kinds of behaviors are not learned from another sibling. They are due to mental issues. He may be the type of person who has no compassion for others, who can only pretend to have real feelings just to get what he wants.

    I'd try to talk to him about his mother. Let him know that he is a part of your family, you love him, and want him there. Same with his dad. Then watch and see if some of those issues start to improve----if not, it has much deeper roots.
    robyann

    Answer by robyann at 10:07 PM on Nov. 20, 2012

  • It is really hard situation on all sides. If you and your DH can get on the same page about him you will have a far better chance of making SD feel secure enough to drop some of the hard to deal with behavior.
    You can't expect miracles but you can have a civil living situation and possibly more if you stick with it.
    Having compassion for his loss will also help, but he must not feel he can walk all over the house rules because of it either.
    You can't control what goes on in someone else's therapy session, but you can go to your own.
    tessiedawg

    Answer by tessiedawg at 10:11 PM on Nov. 20, 2012

  • Does he know you don't like him? Are you and your husband on the same page with these problems and how to handle them? I'd get support and advice for both of you on how to handle him. It's a double whammy with a death and the teen years. Awful time...
    jeanclaudia

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 10:53 PM on Nov. 20, 2012

  • Oh wow. I'm sorry but you sound so heartless. I know, step children are really hard to deal with, and teenagers are also hard so you have a double whammy here. But you have got to get a grip, this is a child, who only has 4 more years to be a child. Give him the best part of you that you have, and love him.
    JackieGirl007

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 11:01 PM on Nov. 20, 2012

  • I don't think she sounds heartless, just very frustrated, and who wouldn't be? The behaviors she mention are hard to deal with in any teenager, and sometimes more difficult in the case of a stepson because she and her husband might be on different wavelengths when it comes to dealing with him.

    I would suggest that you talk seriously to your husband, try to figure out which problem behaviors to focus on first, and how to deal with them, so that you present a united front. Also consider family therapy, since the dynamics in your household changed when your stepson moved in with you. Some professional help might make the situation easier for everyone as your stepson transitions into your family.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 11:07 PM on Nov. 20, 2012

  • what did the family counselor say?
    you know, the professional you, kid and hubs went to...
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 11:14 PM on Nov. 20, 2012

  • wow, mom dies- child has to move whole life into another house, his mothe spoiled him so he will have to learn things differently now which is not easy- if he didnt have to clean up and do stuff it will take time to teach it but his whole life has been altered by death - get over it, ALL of you go to therapy....and treat him like a son not a visitor in your home
    luvmygrandbaby

    Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 12:35 AM on Nov. 21, 2012

  • I agree with Mrs prissy, teenagers can be that way without the loss of a parent. I can understand it must be difficult to try to parent a child who has been raised differently to the way you would have raised your child, however he is your husbands child and I don't really think its appropriate for you as an adult to be calling him an ass, I understand your frustrated and that this is hard on all of you, but its a huge upheaval for him, I would look into a more supportive counseling service, if a councilor is ready to give up on a teen for lying there is someone wrong there, he is in therapy for a reason and a councilor should be strong enough to deal with the situation. I hope you all get the help you need and things look up

    Princess_s21

    Answer by Princess_s21 at 12:42 AM on Nov. 21, 2012

  • Sounds like he's angry about his mom dying, dealing with abandonment issues and acting out because he doesn't know how else to deal with it. I'd shop around and try different therapists. Some are terrible and some are great. Maybe just talk with the therapist alone first to let her know what you think is affecting him, then let him go to the sessions alone for a while. He needs some privacy to explore his emotions. Everytime he acts up, try to connect it to the event (his mom's death) by calmly saying, "It seems you're angry about your mom leaving you but this is not the way to express that anger. I know I'm not her but I do care." Then, walk away and take your other child away. Don't get pulled into an argument. Just let it sink in and for him to think about it. The more you help him connect his behavior to the cause, it will help him recognize that he needs to address this anger/grief in a more appropriate way.
    hellokittykat

    Answer by hellokittykat at 12:50 AM on Nov. 21, 2012

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