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2 Bumps

I think he might leave this time

My dh and I filed for chapter 13 bankruptcy 3 years ago. I got us in that mess because I do all the bills. I wouldn't tell him about it. Kept telling myself I would get the bills caught up until we almost lost our house. Well I have done it again and the bankruptcy has been thrown out. So we either lose the house or have to refile. The only reason I can think of why I am like this is my step dad. My mom had to show for every penny she spent and if he didn't like it she get beaten by him. I am going to counseling, but I haven't changed in this area anyway. I asked him to help me do the bills after the bankruptcy and he said he didn't have time with work. So if this you in this situation what would you do. Leave? Stay and do the bills? I am so afraid right now. We also have three kids.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 6:05 PM on Nov. 21, 2012 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • Well, first things first. Suicide is forever; your problems are not. No matter how things work out, it's not worth taking your life over. Go to the nearest emergency room or call a crisis hotline.

    Next, if you are having trouble figuring out how to pay your bills and your partner can't do the job, find someone who will help--a friend or family member, a United Way volunteer, an advocate from Social Services, even someone from the bank.

    Third, if your husband does leave, go to Legal Aid and see if someone can help you get custody or visitation rights.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 6:26 PM on Nov. 21, 2012

  • You need to tell him what is going on. You have to. Otherwise the anxiety will eat you alive.

    Once that is done, you will need to work together to refile for bankruptcy. You don't have any choice really, especially since the house is at risk.

    Only then should you even think about what this means to your marriage. While you are at fault for letting thing get so far out of hand again, he shoulders some burden of blame. He knows you are terribly with money and continued to leave you responsible for it. I would tell him, clearly, that should he choose to stay he will have to either work with you on bills each month or he will have to do them himself, regardless of how busy he is. He MUST take 30 minutes a weekend to know what is going on.
    Mrs_Prissy

    Answer by Mrs_Prissy at 6:24 PM on Nov. 21, 2012

  • I do the bills in our house hold too. I get tired of looking at all the money flowing out. My DH is the spender in the house. I am the saver. Even tho I never get to save because he spends it all. Every payday I tell him. Do not spend any money tell I have paid all the bills. We have never did any type of bankruptcy. I have always figured out a way to pay all the bills. Bitching at my DH  about his spending works.

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 6:42 PM on Nov. 21, 2012

  • You can only pay bills with what money you have coming in. Ignoring the problem like he does is just as bad is spending money you don't have. Sit down together and figure out a budget. Pay cash or use prepaid debit cards only. All adults are responsible for their finances and your DH has to take an active role. I pay the bills in our house too, but my DH understands what type of bills we have. Lying and hiding problems is not okay on your part. You are aiding the worst parts of each other.
    RyansMom001

    Answer by RyansMom001 at 6:55 PM on Nov. 21, 2012

  • Please take the above advice. Call the hotline immediately. Nothing is more valuable than your life.
    DJDNY

    Answer by DJDNY at 6:31 PM on Nov. 21, 2012

  • Just tell him. Anyone can understand you x coming and xyz going out no way can you balance things out. You have to budget. This is a family issue not just one person.
    booklover545

    Answer by booklover545 at 7:15 PM on Nov. 21, 2012

  • tell him the bills are a shared responsibility and he must participate. it doesn't take that much time. what takes time is budget and strategy, which absolutely requires you both to participate. now you are trying to communicate and partner to avoid the same problems, which is exactly what you should be doing. explain to him that his resentment or whatever is going to hurt him in the end with the financial situation.
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 6:46 PM on Nov. 21, 2012

  • I think your husband should always and forever be behind you!. You made a mistake it happens....You 2 need to sit down and talk to each other

    Good luck and keep your chin up
    Launasmom3210

    Answer by Launasmom3210 at 7:27 PM on Nov. 21, 2012

  • You are in a hard spot. It is very scary. Your fear makes sense. You want to avoid something bad happening.
    I hope you will listen to earlier suggestions to reach out. Hotline, your therapist, your husband, SOMEone.
    You might not have the best counselor. I know my therapist would identify that kind of behavior (secretiveness, not disclosing, perhaps compulsive spending or whatever is going on, self-defeating) as dissociative in nature. Yes, resulting from childhood trauma but basically old coping mechanisms activated in the present by stressful situations & feelings. This same avoidance of threatening feelings & realities that served a protective function in childhood (and was quite adaptive, in that sense) becomes counter-productive & maladaptive now.
    It is not about blame. We're responsible for our choices & actions, but recognizing WHY we operate in certain dysfunctional patterns can lift us out of self-blame & fuel change.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:44 PM on Nov. 21, 2012

  • I am just scared of losing the house, him and most importantly the kids. I'm having suicidal thoughts right now. Just don't know what to do.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 6:15 PM on Nov. 21, 2012