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Starting over!

My husband was in the military for 11 years and was involuntary seperated back in Sep. Since then we have moved from VA to CA. We are happy to be back home around family but I think my husband has gotten lazy, either that or he is depressed. Not sure! As soon as we got here I hit the ground running! I found our apartment, got the kids enrolled in school, got all my things in order for me to start school in Jan. and I also applied for food stamps. He does have unemployment benefits coming in but only up until March. My husband told me that he wanted to go into the firefighting academy and then he changed his mind. Then he said he wants to try for federal correctional officer but has not taken steps to do anything that could get him a good job. He never really talks to me about what his plans are and every time I ask him about what he wants to do, he gets mad at me and basically ignores me. I have looked into different jobs for him trying to help him. I even told him I would help him with enrolling in school but he doesn't want to do that. I am not sure what he wants to do!

He sits around all day playing video games, watching tv, and goes without taking a shower for a couple of days. And won't brush his teeth for a couple days. It's becoming a big turn off.

I am trying to understand him. I have taken this whole situation hard and so have the kids but we are adjusting and I am doing everything I can to get where we need to be but I need my husband to be as driven as me. There is no time to just sit around all the time. That will not bring money into the house and it will not get him a job. He has a ton of experience and skills from the military.

I have no clue how to get him motivated and I can't help him unless he wants my help.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:47 PM on Dec. 2, 2012 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • Are their military counselors he can see? I've heard that they have a hard time adjusting when they come home. Not working can effect them in a whole other way. He is showing signs of depression & needs counseling. GL.

    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 3:52 PM on Dec. 2, 2012

  • He is seperated from the military, not just coming home from deployment. I meant we have all moved back home from Virginia to California. He doesn't want to get a job but then doesn't want to go to school either.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:00 PM on Dec. 2, 2012

  • Well in that case, he needs a swift kick in the behind! No one WANTS to work, but it's a necessity! Hello? How does he think he can support his family (which is what a lot of upstanding men feel the need to do), if he doesn't put forth the effort?! Treat him like a kid, no video games until he has spent his day either looking for a job or going to classes to improve his chances of finding a job. Laying around doing nothing is NOT an option soldier! GL!

    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 4:03 PM on Dec. 2, 2012

  • Yes I agree! I have done what I can to help him but at some point, he has to do what he needs to do. I have! As much as I want to sit around and be upset that he is not in the military anymore, I can't because we have 2 kids to take care of.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:08 PM on Dec. 2, 2012

  • Military One Source will provide 6 sessions of free counseling also long as he is in the 6 month time period of leaving the military. Why was he involuntarily separated? It sounds like he is depressed or he may just be enjoying his "free" time that he has right now. Especially if he was deployed recently. Do you have a job or are you just living off of his unemployment? I would not treat him like a kid. Treat him like the adult he is. Sit down with him and discuss the bills and show him that something needs to happen soon. 

    JeremysMom

    Answer by JeremysMom at 4:14 PM on Dec. 2, 2012

  • Okay I will look into the One Source. The military is downsizing and they are getting rid of people. He did get severence pay but a lot of that went towards bills and finding a new place. He was not recently deployed and no I don't have a job but I will be getting MGIB when I continue school in January. I don't know, everytime there is a conversation about what he wants to do, it just gets brushed to the side. Maybe he is taking a break which I don't have a problem with a small break but at the same time, he needs to be planning for a job or school.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:27 PM on Dec. 2, 2012

  • This sounds very much like depression to me. See if he would be willing to talk to someone about it. I think he needs help that you probably aren't qualified to give him. If you can't afford to pay someone, suggest he see a pastor or a trained church counselor who would be very well trained to help him.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 4:29 PM on Dec. 2, 2012

  • Totally sounds like depression, I agree. Your husband is pulling into himself, crawling into his own black hole. Start small--encourage him to brush his teeth, take a shower, at least go out for a walk. He needs to get out of the house. See if he'll run to the store for you, take the kids out to the park, that kind of thing. Those small steps may be all it takes to shake him loose and get him moving. If not, he needs a counselor. The county offices where you get unemployment or food stamps should be able to refer you to a counseling center that takes payment on a sliding scale, or no payment at all if you qualify.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 6:16 PM on Dec. 2, 2012

  • Sounds like he is depressed. What does involuntarily seperated mean? Is it like being fired?
    booklover545

    Answer by booklover545 at 7:39 AM on Dec. 4, 2012

  • Well since the military is also having budget cuts, they are making random people separate. So yeah technically, they get fired. But it's a random selection ran by civilian contractors that have no clue as to what the sailors work habits are. They also force certain ranks to retire if they are close to retirement. It also depends on they type of job you have.They pay you when they make you separate. So it's like some random person firing you from your job and they have never seen the way you work or your skills. Hundreds of military families are going through the same issue.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:26 AM on Dec. 5, 2012

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