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4 Bumps

Meeting my biological father tomorrow for the first time in 23 years (long, but I need serious advice)

Well...basically 23 years. He was in and out of my life when I was a baby, and the ONLY memory I have of him is when he was in jail and I was hiding under the booth so he would not be able to see me. I am not sure how old I was, but it's the only thing I can remember.

Now I am 23. I contacted my dad back around May 2012, he was in jail (in FL) Well....the contact lasted for a couple weeks, and then I didn't hear from him until about a month ago, and that was only one phone call, he said he was going to try and make it to VA (where I am located) but I figured it was an empty promise, just like everything else. After the first contact in May, he said the same thing, then he got locked up again a couple times (I should probably say he is an alcoholic, that is what most of his charges are)

Longer story short, I got a phone call today from my aunt saying my dad had used someone's phone to call her, but she couldn't get to the phone in time. She called the number back and the man said that my dad had used his phone to let her know he was making his way to where we live (we=me and my aunt) but he didn't want me to know because he wants to surprise me in time for my birthday. Sad part birthday was on the 1st......he didn't even remember :/

So now he is about 2 hours away from my city, and I'm freaking out. He should be at my aunts house in the afternoon sometime. He is more worried about seeing my children though (2yo and 4yo) but I have told everyone that I do not want him to meet them until he can prove himself. He left me, I refuse to let him walk out of my kids' life like he did me. Everyone says that I am wrong for not letting him meet them, but....that's how I feel right now. I have so many mixed emotions right now and no one understands what I am going through, I am excited but at the same time I just want to cry....I am 23, but when it comes to stuff dealing with my dad, all the emotions of when I was younger come out.

My mom isn't much help at this point, she's against him coming here, and I feel that I have no support from anyone. I feel like i'm a little kid again...not a grown adult :(

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 9:58 PM on Dec. 4, 2012 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • hugs you can do this!

    I think you are making the right decision by waiting to allow him to meet your children. You don't know him. It will basically be like getting to know your father for the first time. I wish you all the best. Take it slow, you have no obligation to appease him. I hope it turns out as well as it can! GL!


    Answer by Kword at 10:11 PM on Dec. 4, 2012

  • Wouldn't he have to clear leaving the state of Fl with a parole officer before traveling up to Va?
    Most important piece of advise is not to get your hopes up that he's suddenly going to be a doting father. The only thing you should be looking for is a better understanding in order to give yourself closure.

    Answer by KristiS11384 at 10:36 PM on Dec. 4, 2012

  • You are 100% correct. You can show him lots of pictures, etc, but no point in having an absentee grandfather.
    If he's still in and out of jail after 23 years... how is he surviving? Hasn't anyone tried to get him to treatment? Who is paying for his addiction? Maybe look into getting him some help while he's visiting!

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 10:38 PM on Dec. 4, 2012

  • One day at a time, hope it comes natural as it should.

    Answer by Sarah961 at 11:15 PM on Dec. 4, 2012

  • You are absolutely in control of this whole situation, so make sure you own that and you call the shots, I guess people are forgetting your basically meeting him for the first time yourself after 23 years, take it slow, you bring your children around him when your good and ready, he or no one else for that matter calls the shots when it comes to that but you!!! You do what you think is right, dont worry about what anyone else says. Stand firm and you will know when you decide its the right time and others should respect that! All the best! Hope it all goes well ((hugs))

    Answer by Princess_s21 at 11:22 PM on Dec. 4, 2012

  • This man is practically a stranger, and you don't even know if he'll be sober when you meet him. Don't feel guilty about not bringing your kids to meet him yet.

    Good luck!

    Answer by anng.atlanta at 11:37 PM on Dec. 4, 2012

  • You have every right to feel the way you do. He has to earn the right to be your father, and to be your children's grandfather.

    I finally saw my dad for the first time in over 20 years last summer. The difference is that my dad raised me, and was a good father until my parents split up when I was 23. He missed my boys entire childhoods. He's trying to make up for it now, but there's a lot of hurt, so I kind of understand how you feel.

    Wish I could hug you. Just make the best choices you can, and be a better parent to your own you clearly already are.

    Big hugs and positive thoughts.

    Answer by ohwrite at 11:58 PM on Dec. 4, 2012

  • You're a bigger woman than I for even wanting to see him AT ALL. You're quite right in not taking the kids to see him.

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:14 AM on Dec. 5, 2012

  • It doesn't sound as if your father has done anything at all to earn your trust yet. I don't blame you for wanting to keep him away from your children for now. Just remember you don't owe him anything. Give him what you can when you're ready, if you're ever ready, but feel no obligation.

    Answer by Ballad at 1:24 AM on Dec. 5, 2012

  • you're doing the right thing for your children. Dont let other people bother you. Good luck. Let us know how it goes

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 10:16 AM on Dec. 5, 2012

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