Im hurting & do not trust myself? What should I do.

My husband & I are very best friends. Married 13 years. We never had sex before marriage & I thought he was being very respectful. On our wedding night I find out that he had severe ED. So our first call once we came home was for counseling. It helped for about a while, sex was occasionally better. Then back to the same issue. We went again our 2nd year of marriage. But after that I noticed besides being friends, he is not intimate with me, avoids any thing that might lead to sex. Kissing, holding & if we do go to the bedroom its a stressed out thing for him & me.

He will take care of me in other ways but it feels just like sex & that is it. No love or affection is in it. Before I knew it 13 years of this has gone on & I am empty, feel undesirable.
Both times of counseling it was me who called, if anything gets done at our home its because I have to tell him, like a child. I feel like I am raising a teen son. He has NO Motivation at all! & WILL NOT go to the Dr.

I do love him, he is my best friend. He works hard & is very kind but I'm lonely & cant believe he has never bothered to try & fix this. I have broke down & told him every year how I have felt & he would step it up for a week or two. But then go back to what I call room mate status. I have tried everything, sexy clothing, long hair which he loves, talked dirty what every.
We have a 6 yr old, I am on disability for a heart issue. But I take good care of myslef, I'm not beautiful but I'm attractive. I was a nurse for 16 years & I am a very kind affectionate patient person.

I love him as my best friend but I feel so empty & numb..I told him I was leaving & he finally runs to the Dr. gets more pills (viagra) after not filling them for about 3 years & thinks this is going to fix things. But I do not hold the erections accountable I hold him for not trying to satisfy my emotional or physical needs.

Now he is begging me not to go, but he has done nothing! But lie to me for years that he would stop hurting me, neglecting me of affection & attention. He lets our home fall apart. He will do laundry & dishes but a door can be falling off the hinges & he will just walk right by it. My mother in law lives in a home that is falling apart. Her ceiling is falling in, floors sloping, window leaking.. So he is taking after his father.

Now I look at other men, wondering if they would hold me, if they could love me even though I have a heart problem, I know my life here will probably be cut short. I want to feel loved. I'm not sure I can financially make it on my own & have a 6 yr old daughter who I do not want to hurt. She is my life.

I got sick from a tick bite & it is what damaged my heart.
I have started talking to an old boyfriend for a while now & he ask someone to marry him a 2 years ago. She lives 7 hours away from him & has 2 sons in school. She told him no, until later..She does not want to move & he says that she is the best thing ever. No one could hold a candle to her.
She wants to wait until her boys are out of school. Which will be 4 more years. He sees her about 4 times a year, So he too is lonely.
He tells me I'm still very beautiful he sees my photos on FB & we just talk. I have not seen his face in 14 years. He flirts a bit but he & I both know that I wont cheat on my husband. I enjoy the talks, he makes me feel again. I know we would never be together because he is obsessed with money & is very stubborn..& I truly think his long term girlfriend is just what he has been waiting for. She makes more money than he does & thats right up his alley.

But he is a bit older than me & is very good at talking almost feminine & most guys are not..That is one thing I always fond attractive in him. But I would rather talk to him now than my husband.

I hate this I feel like a horrible person because I am only satisfying an emotional need by talking with him. I have to hide it from my husband & with this comes guilt! So this is why I do not trust myself. What do I do??
I would not leave my husband for him, we didn't work out before. BUT I do remember the intimacy & sex he & I had and it was so good it could make any woman week in the knees just thinking about it. This is why I do not trust myself!
We have never mentioned it, never mentioned meeting and have talked for 10 months, I am much different than when he last seen me. I have a few extra pounds & am not comfortable with my body at all. So I would not even go there! It would do nothing but hurt everyone involved & I could not do that to my husband even though he has neglected me. I would not do that to his girl friend either. I am just not that kid of woman.

But I can't say the thoughts have not been there. The memories are like a good romance novel. I'm a hussy!!! I do feel a comfort with my husband, we know each other inside & out I have tried everything I know. But I have given so much & received nothing back for so long My cup is empty. HELP! I feel like screaming!

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Asked by Belafay at 10:57 AM on Dec. 7, 2012 in Relationships

28 Level 4

Answers (11)

How old is he?
What is the cause of his ED?

Answer by butterflyblue19 at 11:19 AM on Dec. 7, 2012
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I would suggest counseling for you, just to clear your mind and figure out what and how to tell your DH your needs. Then he will need to be included in the counseling as well. It seems that he is not communicating his intimacy problems and communication is absolutely necessary.

Answer by QuinnMae at 11:25 AM on Dec. 7, 2012
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44 it started in 20's his fist marriage of 5 years ended from it too. When I threatened to leave him several months ago he finally went to the Dr & his T levels are low side of normal. He started Andro Gel. Been 6 moths..still no change. His father put him down all the time he has no self esteem but does not do anything about it. I have lifted him up as much as i can, nut now im exausted

Comment by Belafay (original poster) at 11:38 AM on Dec. 7, 2012
Credits: 28 Level 4
I have never had problems telling him what I need from him, but he will never open up to me & really try anything to help us unless i cry & say im leaving .13 years is a long time of holding this together by myself.

Comment by Belafay (original poster) at 12:10 PM on Dec. 7, 2012
Credits: 28 Level 4
COUNSELING for BOTH of you. You two need it like you need oxygen.

Answer by gdiamante at 12:14 PM on Dec. 7, 2012
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Often it takes the threat of losing it all to make someone do what they need to do. But it sounds like you've made that threat before and when you don't follow through....neither does he.

My suggestion would be one of two things (or both, really):

1. Leave. Don't just say that you will. Actually do it. Pack your stuff and leave. Then you tell him what you want from a relationship and you make him give it to you before you go back. You make him tell you what he wants so you can give it to him before you go back.

2. Counseling. At this point, you two really need counseling to help you communicate with each other. You feel you're able to communicate what you want to him but if he isn't giving it to you, then the communication is failing. A counselor can help the both of you learn to effectively communicate with each other and try to make things better. Worst case, the counselor helps you figure out it's beyond saving.

Answer by wendythewriter at 12:36 PM on Dec. 7, 2012
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The counseling that I am suggesting isn't to help you communicate if that's something you are already doing, it's to give you the support and strength to make decisions that are necessary, and to give you tools and techniques to try to get our DH to open up and communicate with you. You don't seem to have a support system, so first you need to build that. At least, that's what I am getting from your original post.

Answer by QuinnMae at 3:15 PM on Dec. 7, 2012
Credits: 235931 Level 46 Relationships Major

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You need counseling like the others on here have said. You are not happy. Things have not changed in x number of years. Do you really think that you are gonna wake up one day and everything will be ok? The counseling will help you to focus on what you need and want and then to make the appropriate decision.

Answer by booklover545 at 8:06 PM on Dec. 7, 2012
Credits: 104696 Level 38 Relationships Degree

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Answer by Anonymous at 11:54 PM on Dec. 7, 2012

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Like others have said, counseling.
But, while I understand completely what you are saying with the talking to the ex boyfriend, I want to warn you that's how it starts. Rarely does someone wake up and decide to have an affair with someone. Most of the time it starts out with filling the emotional cup and then judgement gets clouded and you end up doing something you regret.
Been there, done that. It started out just chatting, then texting, then I decided to meet him figuring it couldn't hurt. There was chemistry there and since we had been chatting for so long, we knew a lot about each other. A hug turned into a kiss which turned into me hating myself and a lot of regret. Granted I wasn't married or with anyone and he wasn't married or with anyone. But still, I wasn't emotionally over my most recent ex and therefore had no business there and I still felt I had cheated on my ex.

Answer by tempsingl3mom at 3:20 PM on Dec. 8, 2012
Credits: 10420 Level 21 Relationships Minor

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