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Visitation (Long)

A little back story:
My ex husband lives with his Mother. He's 50 yrs old. He doesn't work a legitimate job, does work under the table for cash, they live in a bad neighborhood, he's behind on child support, has been for 5 yrs, doesn't get involved with our boys schooling, activities, etc etc etc..... Our boys are 9, and 10 yrs old.

Last night I dropped them off with him, and he asked if they can bring some stuff home from his house. I said yeah, if they want to. He said, good because they can't sleep in their beds because they are covered with toys, guitars, etc. I said, take them off, and he said there's no where to put them, they can't even walk in their room. The room is maybe 8x8.
Well then my next question was, where are they sleeping? He said, with him in his bed...... I told him they shouldn't be. I didn't start an argument, I just said, they can bring some stuff home.
We have a court date in Feb for modification of his visitation. Should I let my attorney know about the sleeping situation?
Our boys have to be talked into going there. They don't cry, and scream, but when the day comes, they ask if they can stay home. It's a 2 hour drive for them, the home isn't made for 2 little boys, and they are only there from Friday around 9pm, until sunday around 2pm. So it's not ever very long. He's told them he hates where we live, doesn't want them playing sports, and thinks we should move closer to him.. They are in the 3rd and 4th grade, same school since kindergarten, and I'm not pulling them out for his benefit. They have friends, a life, a nice home, and commitments here.
So, how would you handle this situation? I actually thought about telling him that until he can prove to me that they have a clean, and comfortable place to sleep, of their own, they won't be visiting him.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.


Asked by Anonymous at 12:13 PM on Dec. 15, 2012 in Tweens (9-12)

This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • Sorry, I don't agree with Sassy that he should get another 2 years of the co-sleeping.

    I would not approve of that at all, and frankly, the fact that that happens and the kids don't seem to want to go there is really bothering me. I'm not saying he does anything wrong, but it would certainly make me think that they don't want to be sleeping with him, and he's forcing them.

    I would talk to the lawyer to find out what needs to be done to change this situation. Whether the change is to change the visitation, or force him to clean up/find a better place to live, or whatever, I would be finding out what needs to happen to get that ball rolling, and then make it happen.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 3:31 PM on Dec. 15, 2012

  • Absolutely you should tell your attorney. Also, I'd strongly suggest you document, document, document. Every call, every email, every conversation

    Answer by Mrs_Prissy at 12:15 PM on Dec. 15, 2012

  • Tell your Lawyer about the house/sleeping arrangements. Ask the Lawyer if you can do that. Not let them go to his house tell the room is cleaned up.


    Answer by louise2 at 12:19 PM on Dec. 15, 2012

  • Tell your attorney, but my experience when I we t to court was that I couldn't testify to anything the kids had told me because its considered "hearsay". Unless your ex will tell the truth, or you have some type of evidence, it will be hard to prove.
    Do not violate the court order. If the house is dirty enough that you don't feel comfortable letting them visit, call cps and let them legally prevent the boys from going. Willfully violating the order will make your situation worse.

    Answer by missanc at 1:05 PM on Dec. 15, 2012

  • yes tell your lawyer bc that isnt right! and bring it up in court when you go to modify

    Answer by rachel216 at 1:00 PM on Dec. 15, 2012

  • Are the ex and his mother hoarders? I would ask the kids about the conditions in the house. I would ask them to be honest and let them know that they won't be in trouble if they tell you the truth, that you are only concerned if there is a safety hazard. I would report it (regardless) to the attorney. If the kids tell you that the house is piled with junk and garbage, then I would also investigate who to report that to so that you can have documentation by another agency that states that there are unsafe conditions for your kids to be in. Give that info to your attorney, they will know what to do to keep the kids safe.


    Answer by QuinnMae at 1:04 PM on Dec. 15, 2012

  • Get pictures.
    And if possible a video.
    You don't want ex saying the kids are pigs and won't clean up so they have a place to sleep. You really need to prove that there isn't a place.

    Answer by feralxat at 1:05 PM on Dec. 15, 2012

  • He made the comment last night that his Mom only has a path to her bed because of all of the stuff she buys.... When I knew her, I knew she liked to buy stuff, and not use it, but I've not seen the inside of the house for over 7 yrs.
    I don't think there's trash everywhere, but I do think that if there's a fire, they're not going to have an easy time getting out because of all of the stuff. I also don't think our boys should be sleeping with him.
    I emailed my attorney, and I plan to call family services on Monday about the possible hoarding situation. I pray my attorney says I can keep them home until this is all resolved.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:09 PM on Dec. 15, 2012

  • I agree with missanc. Do NOT violate the court order and until a judge says that they don't have to go overnight then I don't know that you have a choice but to send them. If they say that there is too much stuff and that they whole house is full or that there is hoarding, they must be willing to tell another source (police officer, CPS investigator) so that you are not the only person that has that info. I would first let the attorney know what is going on and then let your attorney advise you of what to do next. Your concern of course is that your children have a safe and comfortable place to be. I also agree that them sleeping in the same bed with your ex is not the best idea.


    Answer by QuinnMae at 1:52 PM on Dec. 15, 2012

  • I'll let things be until I hear from my attorney as to what to do next. They don't go back until I come up with the days he can have them for Christmas. He's no able to decide, it's up to me. I also plan to call cps Monday, after our boys are back home, and out of there... I'm going to ask them about the hoarding situation, and if it needs to be looked into...

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:12 PM on Dec. 15, 2012