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Blended family trouble.... "sharing" vs "thats mine"

I recently married the love of my life, and his 3 kids (9 yr old boy, and twin 7 yr old girls) I had a 3 year old son, and a 4 year old son, and now we have a 1 year old son together.. that makes 6 kids. I chose to stay home because of my husband's job, and took on homeschooling the children as well. the problem is that the 3 older kids being his, get spoiled by his mom, she will take them to town shopping with her, and bring them back with new toys, and tell them "dont let the boys have it" (the boys being my 2 sons..) and she never offers to take my boys with, or bring them toys when the older kids get them. and i find it unfair.. and she tells the older kids that "the boys" arent allowed into their rooms, or to touch "their" toys... but the big kids are aloud into the boys rooms & get to play with their toys, which sometimes find their way into the big kids rooms... i am trying so hard to teach all the kids to share, and to get along and play with each other.. but I am having so much trouble! I am constantly hearing "But grandma says.....!" and dont get me wrong, she is nice to the boys, they call her grandma too, and every once in a while, she involves them.. but most of the time its all about the older 3, and my 3 boys do not have a grandma close, we live 12 hours away from their family... does anyone else have this problem???? or know what i should do??

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sarahlu

Asked by sarahlu at 3:25 PM on Dec. 20, 2012 in General Parenting

Level 14 (1,504 Credits)
Answers (16)
  • your house, your rules. At home there should be certian things that they do not have to share however grandma does not get to make tha tcall and grandma does not say who goes in what rooms.

    Our rooms were ours and my parents made the rule that we did not go in the others room without permission. And if the youngers toys are found in the olders room then its fair game, youngers get to play with olders.

    Your husband should be the one to tell his mother that she is not in charge of anything at your home. If she does not want the youngers to play or touch it then it needs to stay at her house.
    luvmygrandbaby

    Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 4:00 PM on Dec. 20, 2012

  • You can't control what the folks outside your home do or say, but your husband needs to sit his kids down and explain to them the rules of your home. He needs to further explain to them that they will abide by the rules of your home or there will be consequences for not doing so. This is his to handle, and once the rules are made and you are the one who has to enforce them, he should back you up 100% with no exceptions. Once those toys cross the threshold of your home, the rules of your home are to apply. It doesn't matter that others try to put some kind of stipulations on them. If they want to keep the toys at their houses, then they can make any kind of rules they want, but they cannot make the rules for your house unless you afford them that opportunity, so don't!! If you want the rule of your home to be sharing, then sharing it is. Perhaps your hubby will even have to explain it to the other adults who are involved
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 4:02 PM on Dec. 20, 2012

  • First, their mom does not have to be even, take your kids and by them anything. Second, she can not make rules up in your house. when the kids are in your house, it is your rules. I would inform her that if you do not want your kids stuff to be used by all the kids. Leave it at your house.

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 4:05 PM on Dec. 20, 2012

  • Your husband needs to talk to his mom and have her treat all the kids equally, IF your parents do the same. My inlaws go out of their way to make sure my kids from my 1st marriage don't feel excluded, which often means they get more gifts/attention than their bio grand kids. But then my husband made it clear from the beginning that that's how it would be.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 4:19 PM on Dec. 20, 2012

  • First, their mom does not have to be even,

    What does their mom have to do with it? She's talking about her mother in law, not the ex.

    But yes, this is your husband's mess to deal with, and your part of it is to make sure he is aware that it is an issue and not something he can sweep under a rug.
    NotPanicking

    Answer by NotPanicking at 4:25 PM on Dec. 20, 2012

  • I think it is fair for children to have some things that are theirs. Siblings can negotiate with each other regarding having turns or sharing those personal items. It is not a matter of "enforcing" sharing, but acknowledging their right to say yes or no, and letting them work it out. An attitude like this could perhaps ease some of the tension around possession. Of course, this could apply to your young sons, as well. (Though it becomes more relevant as kids get older.)
    I don't know what kinds of items the grandmother is buying. Perhaps she is thinking that they could get broken/ruined by younger siblings & her admonitions primarily express her concern that the things she buys are kept safe or nice, if possible. (The main issue being she has little faith in a 3 & 4 year old!)
    My advice would be to be clear (with the kids) about how things work (as far as bedrooms & space.) Just acknowledge that yes, Gma said one thing but this
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 4:49 PM on Dec. 20, 2012

  • she would be treating all the kids the same or she would not be buying the older kids anything. Your husband needs to talk to his mom
    mamabear484

    Answer by mamabear484 at 5:03 PM on Dec. 20, 2012

  • I guess the biggest issue is that my 3 boys are to young to understand "mine & yours" and have no toys that are just theirs, because they have always shared a room. and they are very hard to keep away from the older kid's toys & rooms, without applying locks to the doors... because u know if they are told they cant touch.... they will want to touch even more!
    sarahlu

    Comment by sarahlu (original poster) at 5:04 PM on Dec. 20, 2012

  • Ok, reread it. Maybe his mom does not conceder your two kids her grandkids. But the rest still goes. She can not make up rules for your house.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 5:20 PM on Dec. 20, 2012

  • My daughter has things that are hers and my son has things that are his. I think husband needs to talk to his mother about buying and spoiling the older kids, perhaps the toys could be left at her house? I do think it is important for children to have things of their own, and learn how to share things as well. New rule would be a community toy chest kept somewhere and what ever is in the respective rooms stays there. Your husband needs to talk to his mother, but I do think each kid should have some things of their own.
    jerseydiva

    Answer by jerseydiva at 5:23 PM on Dec. 20, 2012

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