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4 Bumps

Do adoptive parents love their children less than birth parents?

I am curious because my love for my kids started when I was pregnant and we bonded during that time and I got to watch them grow into a baby and then the process of labor and breastfeeding, all of those experiences strengthens the bond between mother and child; so would parents who adopted their kids have less of that motherly bond/instinct? Are they not as much of a mother as those of us who gave birth? Do you feel like you are more of a parent than adoptive parents because you went through the entire process from conception to birth?

Answer Question

Asked by Stephy52315 at 10:56 AM on Dec. 22, 2012 in Parenting Debate

Level 2 (6 Credits)
Answers (26)
  • interesting point. would it be the same for a step parent?

    i am a step parent he knows no other mom than i. but the relationship between him and i is completely different than the one between my bio son and i

    do i feel adoptive parents are less of course not. they chose to love these children they might not have the bond that a bio mom and son/daughter have but they are still the parents and they are just as good as a bip parent

    Answer by mampanda0422 at 11:01 AM on Dec. 22, 2012

  • Certainly not and the fact that you would evven think that is a bit irksome to me. I was adopted by my dad when I was 12. I can tell you, he loves me more then my biological father ever did/will. That kind of thinking would also lead you to believe that mothers love their chidren more then fathers simply because they carried them for 9 months. Biology has NOTHING to do with love. Have you not had a friend that you carried for just as much if not more then your family?

    Answer by spiritguide_23 at 11:04 AM on Dec. 22, 2012

  • Love is arrived at in different ways. I think that adoptive parents may have more love because that relationship was chosen and fostered by more than biology. I love my bio daughter and my SD who has only known me as a mother just as much as the other, but I came to both of those loves very differently.

    Answer by tessiedawg at 11:12 AM on Dec. 22, 2012

  • I don't think I love my children any more than an adoptive parent loves their children. I can see your point about bonding with the baby while it's inside us, but I think that adoptive parents find their own ways to bond with the children they adopt. As for going through the "whole process" of conception to birth, remember that adoption isn't easy. It's not like going into the grocery store and choosing a box of cereal. Parents who adopt go through a "whole process" all their own that, while it may not be physically challenging and painful like pregnancy and labor, is still probably pretty exhausting and painful in it's own way, I'd guess.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 11:31 AM on Dec. 22, 2012

  • Thats how you came to love your child, and thats a good thing for you. But its not true for every bio mom. Think of the moms who drink and use drugs during their pregnancies, or neglect their babies after they are born. Biology does not equal love. And, adoption is a process too... One that often grows and develops similar to a pregnany. Theres a lot of expectations, frustrations, waiting, etc. I think that fosters a love for that baby before its ever here.

    Answer by Nimue930 at 11:31 AM on Dec. 22, 2012

  • While I've only ever had biological children and I understand the bond and love that happens with a biological child, there are so many different ways to know and love a child. Many of these adoptive parents have been through such a long road to become parents. Many have had heartbreaking losses, failed fertility treatments, disappointment after disappointment. It took me a couple of months to get pregnant, and I was impatient and excited. Some of these adoptive parents waited five or more years to become parents. They want these kids more than anything in the world. These kids are the biggest gift anyone can give them. I can't imagine going through so much to become a parent, and how amazing it would be to finally have a child after such a long, difficult road.

    Answer by JulieJacobKyle at 11:45 AM on Dec. 22, 2012

  • Before I jump to any sort of judgment, I gotta say the OP does have a point. I mean when you adopt a child you do miss that opportunity to bond with your child(which is usually during pregnancy for moms) so it does make it hard to connect with an adoptive child. My mom was adopted and sometimes it did seem that there wasn't enough capacity of love for her as there were for her siblings who were all biological. So it's not cruel what OP is saying, there is some truth to it. I'm sure adopting a child is hard because you do have to force that bond between you and your adopted child and sometimes it may not ever happen. I don't agree, however, that they are not as much of a mother as those who gave birth. Being a mother comes natural to some women whether they give birth or not.

    Answer by uwmilf at 11:53 AM on Dec. 22, 2012

  • "my love for my kids started when I was pregnant and we bonded during that time and I got to watch them grow into a baby and then the process of labor and breastfeeding, all of those experiences strengthens the bond between mother and child"

    That happened for you, but it's a faulty argument because it does not happen for all women. I could turn that around and say that adoptive parents have a stronger bond because they chose their child, waited many time for years for their child, in a lot of cases paid exorbitant amounts of money for their child, etc.
    My stepdad adopted me (my dad passed away when I was 7) when I was 10. I know he loves me as much and the same as he loves his bio sons. I have a better bond/connection with him than most of my friends have with their bio dads.
    I don't think either is better than the other.

    Answer by missanc at 12:34 PM on Dec. 22, 2012

  • I was just talking about this with dh, and he made a good point. Based on your reasoning, OP, grandparents wouldnt love their grandchildren as much as their children! And I can guarantee that is not true!

    Answer by Nimue930 at 1:00 PM on Dec. 22, 2012

  • It's an interesting question and I think the majority of adoption parents would say they love their children and can't compare it to a bio child as they don't have any (unless they do). It's known that children need care, touch, attention and love and those that don't get it have a lot of problems. My friends adopted two kids from Siberia and we've talked a ton on this. They adore those kids but then of course, there was the case of the Mom in Texas or wherever that sent her adopted kid back to Russia and the Mom that killed her adopted kid. But this is pretty isolated. Bio parents kill their kids all the time too so who knows.

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 3:32 PM on Dec. 22, 2012

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