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Advice...touchy subject with 20 yr olds sex life

I have a 20 yr old junior in college. She is a only child and going to a private college in a medical field. We are paying 100% for her college and she is 100% dependent on us money wise. She has a boyfriend of 1 yr. Previous to this in high school she had the same bf for all 4 yrs. So I have dealt with birth control and sexual issues with her. She has tried various bc pills over the yrs and all give her side effects. She was considering a IUD 2 yrs ago and then broke up with her bf and was not going to be sexual active so didn't need any birth control. I actually know when she is having her period because she is sick the first day or two of every cycle. We are pretty close and talk every day when she is at college. So I do know she has missed a period which isn't entirely abnormal for her. I have no idea really what her sexual relationship is with her bf, but guessing from the pass and also finding a condom after his last visit to my home over the summer I can guess. So I am worried. I finally asked her and she said is sure she is not pregnant and I said how sure with her replying 80-90%. Well the tuition bill is due in 2 wks......$8,200 for 2nd semester and we are not wealthy people. I won't go into details but, if she were pregnant I see no way she could continue next yr  (senior year) and so what would be the point of paying out another $8200. My questions for someone to help me with is what would you do if you were me?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:30 AM on Dec. 29, 2012 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (14)
  • I agree with having her take a test before you pay the bill.. I got pg after we paid for my school, and it was a waste because I was so sick! Good luck!
    3boysmommaNY

    Answer by 3boysmommaNY at 11:50 AM on Jan. 5, 2013

  • I am currently completing my BS in Electrical Engineering full time while working full time and I have a six year old in school and yes it is hard, but if she wants to finish her degree she will find a way. If she is pregnant look into other housing options many universities have apartments paid the same way the dorms are and they are year round where she could have her child with her and since she is in college she can look into government assistance to help with child care and living expenses while she finishes her degree. Have her take a pregnancy test to be sure but even if she is pregnant look into options to reduce her course load and other aid that is available.
    amandajoy21

    Answer by amandajoy21 at 4:58 PM on Jan. 1, 2013

  • If you did that, you would be in contact with your personal bottom line. You would know whether you are willing to pay for the current year she's in without having an assurance that she will be able to complete her senior year.
    If you're NOT willing to pay without assurance that she's not currently pregnant, then you can request confirmation.
    If you ARE willing with supporting her as planned & assumed, then you can move forward with paying. You also will be in touch with your own fears, worries & wishes, which you can communicate to her in the interest of being authentic & honest with your personal feedback, while also honoring her sovereignty. (i.e., not trying to control her, but sharing your concerns & your wishes in hopes of being heard & having an influence.)

    She could become pregnant this semester, even if she isn't at present. (You already would have paid...) Or she could be planning to terminate an unwanted pregnancy.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 2:01 PM on Dec. 29, 2012

  • Having a baby in your womb is not time consuming at all. She can do anything and everything she is currently doing now, and she has 9 months to do it. And to deprive a potential "single mother" of her education is probably the dumbest thing you could do!!

    You're putting a whole lot of time effort and unnecessary worry into a WHAT IF. Jump off that bridge when you come to it.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 2:00 PM on Dec. 29, 2012

  • planning to handle things & make her own decisions, if she indeed is unexpectedly pregnant, and it's possible that she may not intend to disclose the particulars to you. But in the end, it may not impact her ability to finish the program, which is what seems to be your sticking point (in deciding whether to pay for the semester at hand.)
    I imagine she is aware of your preferences, reservations, and wishes, and all the issues around your willingness to fund her education (which certainly is a significant expense.)
    Why not reflect on your personal limits (see if you are flat-out unwilling to pay for THIS semester if indeed she's going to have a baby) and then do what you need to do, depending on what you realize? Then, you can tell her that you want to know the results of a pregnancy test before you're comfortable paying. Or, you can let it go & realize that you ARE willing to go forward in good faith (and express your worries.)
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:49 PM on Dec. 29, 2012

  • It sounds like she presently is a junior, and the upcoming tuition bill is for the second semester of her junior year. You are worried that if she is pregnant now, that senior year (NEXT) year would be impossible, so you are skittish about paying for her 2nd junior semester, feeling that it would be a waste since you fear she may not finish this program (next year) IF she is pregnant.
    Anyway, it sounds to me like you were guessing about her missed period (based on her not seeming sick any of the days you talked to her in the last cycle?) I'd hesitate to assume "certainty" (of a missed period) by not noticing her usual difficult symptoms (by phone) one month. That's quite indirect "communication."
    Why not encourage her to test, if she actually missed a period & has reason for even slim doubt?
    Look hard at your willingness or unwillingness to pay for "now," so you're in touch with how conditional you might feel.
    She may be
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:43 PM on Dec. 29, 2012

  • it takes 40 weeks to have a child, surely the 2nd semester is not a 10 month course.
    She woudl be better of to get her degree than for her to be a single mom with no degree

    She can get a sitter if she had too but again, I dont see the baby getting here before her semester is over.
    My daughter finished high school and went to college and got a degree while being pregnant and after the baby was born. Did we help all we could of course but she did it. ( not much of a mom now) but it CAN be done IF your daughter wants to make something of herself. And hello, she has a BF he can help her too
    luvmygrandbaby

    Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 10:56 AM on Dec. 29, 2012

  • None of us can tell you how to spend your money. That is for you, your husb & your dau to decide. As far as going to college while pregnant, it can be done. Even if the baby comes before then end of a semester, she could take an incomplete & have time to make it up for a grade. It's not impossible. Hard yes, but impossible, no. I hope for her sake she is not & will take extra precautions next time. She has a lot at stake. GL

    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 10:28 AM on Dec. 29, 2012

  • I don't get why she couldn't finish SENIOR year- It's half over already.

    has she tried Nuva Ring? My daughter hated the pills and we went to that-she like it much better. Hopefully, there is nothing to worry about here
    charlotsomtimes

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 10:10 AM on Dec. 29, 2012

  • I would not be paying the tuition. There are way too many unknowns, and money is too hard to come by to just throw it to the wind. I also would not consider the money spent thus far as a waste. She can get a better job with some college education than with none. It's time for her to learn that the person with the power also gets to carry the responsibility.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:08 AM on Dec. 29, 2012

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