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Advice...touchy subject with 20 yr olds sex life

I have a 20 yr old junior in college. She is a only child and going to a private college in a medical field. We are paying 100% for her college and she is 100% dependent on us money wise. She has a boyfriend of 1 yr. Previous to this in high school she had the same bf for all 4 yrs. So I have dealt with birth control and sexual issues with her. She has tried various bc pills over the yrs and all give her side effects. She was considering a IUD 2 yrs ago and then broke up with her bf and was not going to be sexual active so didn't need any birth control. I actually know when she is having her period because she is sick the first day or two of every cycle. We are pretty close and talk every day when she is at college. So I do know she has missed a period which isn't entirely abnormal for her. I have no idea really what her sexual relationship is with her bf, but guessing from the pass and also finding a condom after his last visit to my home over the summer I can guess. So I am worried. I finally asked her and she said is sure she is not pregnant and I said how sure with her replying 80-90%. Well the tuition bill is due in 2 wks......$8,200 for 2nd semester and we are not wealthy people. I won't go into details but, if she were pregnant I see no way she could continue next yr  (senior year) and so what would be the point of paying out another $8200. My questions for someone to help me with is what would you do if you were me?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:30 AM on Dec. 29, 2012 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (14)
  • "If she were pregnant I see no way she could continue with her senior year"

    Really? Plenty of people go to college while pregnant, and even while raising children. And why would you want her to be this close to having a degree and then deny her? More than that, why would you want to not pay for her senior year, and then find out she's not pregnant, and now she definitely can't finish because you basically screwed her over?

    If you found a condom when they visited, then it seems a safe bet they're using protection. I'm sure if you're as close as you think, she would have said something if she really thought she might be pregnant. Plus, you say you know she is having her period because she is sick - so the missed period is irrelevant now, because now she's having one.

    I think you need to just relax and let her come to you if she needs to.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 8:59 AM on Dec. 29, 2012

  • I agree with Wendy. Just because she MAY be pregnant doesn't mean that she cant finish school. Sounds like she is a pretty level headed and smart girl, so I am sure if she IS pregnant, she can figure out school and being pregnant. And, if you did find a condom the last time he was there with her, then they are using protection.
    A missed period does not automatically mean she is pregnant. There could be a million other things that could throw it off. You said yourself that its normal for her to miss or be late on a period every once in a while. If you really are that worried about it, do as Ryansmom suggested and have her take a test before you pay for her next semester.
    -Ashley
    spiritguide_23

    Answer by spiritguide_23 at 9:21 AM on Dec. 29, 2012

  • Tell her you want her to take a pregnancy test next week right before her tuition bill is due. Tell her if she is only 80-90 % sure this isn't sufficient for you.  No pregnancy test no tuition.  She's a smart girl she'll take the test.

    RyansMom001

    Answer by RyansMom001 at 8:57 AM on Dec. 29, 2012

  • None of us can tell you how to spend your money. That is for you, your husb & your dau to decide. As far as going to college while pregnant, it can be done. Even if the baby comes before then end of a semester, she could take an incomplete & have time to make it up for a grade. It's not impossible. Hard yes, but impossible, no. I hope for her sake she is not & will take extra precautions next time. She has a lot at stake. GL

    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 10:28 AM on Dec. 29, 2012

  • it takes 40 weeks to have a child, surely the 2nd semester is not a 10 month course.
    She woudl be better of to get her degree than for her to be a single mom with no degree

    She can get a sitter if she had too but again, I dont see the baby getting here before her semester is over.
    My daughter finished high school and went to college and got a degree while being pregnant and after the baby was born. Did we help all we could of course but she did it. ( not much of a mom now) but it CAN be done IF your daughter wants to make something of herself. And hello, she has a BF he can help her too
    luvmygrandbaby

    Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 10:56 AM on Dec. 29, 2012

  • I don't get why she couldn't finish SENIOR year- It's half over already.

    has she tried Nuva Ring? My daughter hated the pills and we went to that-she like it much better. Hopefully, there is nothing to worry about here
    charlotsomtimes

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 10:10 AM on Dec. 29, 2012

  • It sounds like she presently is a junior, and the upcoming tuition bill is for the second semester of her junior year. You are worried that if she is pregnant now, that senior year (NEXT) year would be impossible, so you are skittish about paying for her 2nd junior semester, feeling that it would be a waste since you fear she may not finish this program (next year) IF she is pregnant.
    Anyway, it sounds to me like you were guessing about her missed period (based on her not seeming sick any of the days you talked to her in the last cycle?) I'd hesitate to assume "certainty" (of a missed period) by not noticing her usual difficult symptoms (by phone) one month. That's quite indirect "communication."
    Why not encourage her to test, if she actually missed a period & has reason for even slim doubt?
    Look hard at your willingness or unwillingness to pay for "now," so you're in touch with how conditional you might feel.
    She may be
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:43 PM on Dec. 29, 2012

  • planning to handle things & make her own decisions, if she indeed is unexpectedly pregnant, and it's possible that she may not intend to disclose the particulars to you. But in the end, it may not impact her ability to finish the program, which is what seems to be your sticking point (in deciding whether to pay for the semester at hand.)
    I imagine she is aware of your preferences, reservations, and wishes, and all the issues around your willingness to fund her education (which certainly is a significant expense.)
    Why not reflect on your personal limits (see if you are flat-out unwilling to pay for THIS semester if indeed she's going to have a baby) and then do what you need to do, depending on what you realize? Then, you can tell her that you want to know the results of a pregnancy test before you're comfortable paying. Or, you can let it go & realize that you ARE willing to go forward in good faith (and express your worries.)
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:49 PM on Dec. 29, 2012

  • If you did that, you would be in contact with your personal bottom line. You would know whether you are willing to pay for the current year she's in without having an assurance that she will be able to complete her senior year.
    If you're NOT willing to pay without assurance that she's not currently pregnant, then you can request confirmation.
    If you ARE willing with supporting her as planned & assumed, then you can move forward with paying. You also will be in touch with your own fears, worries & wishes, which you can communicate to her in the interest of being authentic & honest with your personal feedback, while also honoring her sovereignty. (i.e., not trying to control her, but sharing your concerns & your wishes in hopes of being heard & having an influence.)

    She could become pregnant this semester, even if she isn't at present. (You already would have paid...) Or she could be planning to terminate an unwanted pregnancy.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 2:01 PM on Dec. 29, 2012

  • I agree in many cases there it is possible to go to college and have children. She actually has a mother in one of her labs. However, my daughter is finding this major difficult and very time consuming. So time consuming and hard for her that she couldn't not hold a job and still get a good GPA. So if she were to have a child she would have to work to pay for that cost of the child, as well as childcare. She devotes at least a couple of hours to studying every single night after she is done with her classes. That really wouldn't be possible if she had a child to care for when she got home. Not to mention she lives in a dorm. She lives at college in a town 2 hrs from here. There isn't a way with her there and my husband and I here that would could help her. Plus, we work. I also agree that it would be terrible to just throw away 2 1/2 yrs of college....the cost, the time etc. Am I missing another way?
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:42 AM on Dec. 29, 2012

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