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4 Bumps

Cutting ties with my mom

I've always had a rocky relationship with my mother and my father,ever since I was born I was unwelcome. Not sure why she didn't just give me up,I think my dad really wanted me. I know that she use to stand me in front of the television and point out all the pretty girls and would make me feel like I was hideous,I was ugly,I was a dog,to my own mother. I should've been a boy she couldn't think of any names for me so she named me after her mother. I always got made fun of at school I hated going to school,and I hated being home.
I was strangled and beaten as a child,and my arm was even broken because I couldn't clean the cupboards fast enough,she says it was an accident,I say bullshit. When I was molested for several years I thought I had my mothers love then and I thought things would change,one day she straight up said that she thinks I enjoyed it,being molested by my dad. How could a mother say that to her child? I've been trying for years to be a good daughter,sure I don't go to her house or call her often but I do try to invite her and my sister over for the holidays. I had her over for christmas dinner and thought everything was okay. I got a text from her last night bitching me out cause I didn't answer her phone calls and her complaining that the only time I do anything with her is at 4th of july christmas and thanksgiving,which is bs cause I have called her and had meaningful talks on the phone with her. We recently went over there to her home christmas eve day. I'm being accused of being snotty to my sister, when she was doing the dishes I came in and thanked her and took over because she was taking a very long time,and I wanted to do it myself so it would get done fast so we could enjoy the evening. My sister is 30 yrs old but she acts like she's really young like she can't think for herself. I've tried to get my sister to get a job or go back to school anytime I say anything to her she runs to mommy and then mommy calls me and bitches me out. I toldmy mom last night that I think she better not have any contact with me,and I mentioned things in my childhood that she's done because she still to this day hurts me even when I try really hard to make her happy,nothing I say or do matters. My kids and husband think she's insane and she is,she'smentally ill. My brothers girlfriend says I need to go to her house and tell her how I feel about everything and tell her why I haven't forgiven her of the stuff she's done to me. And to lay it all out to my sister as well cause she is acting just like my mom. I didn't want to start the new years off this way fighting with my mom and sister butI feel in all honesty that we need to go our seperate ways. Really not sure what would be best. A part of me really wants my mom to be a mom,sweet,compassionate,understanding,and patient,the part of me says I want nothing to do with her at all.

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Asked by Anonymous at 12:14 PM on Jan. 1, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (18)
  • The second she said you enjoyed being molested was the second you should have cut ties with her. Just because she gave birth to you does not make her a mother. I think you are doing the right thing by cutting her out of your life. You don't need that kind of toxic person in your life.

    Answer by cassie_kellison at 12:25 PM on Jan. 1, 2013

  • Your mom is not that sweet, compassionate person that you want her to be. She will not be that for you, and you NEED that from somewhere. Family is who you make it. You can build that relationship with someone, maybe not in a mother/daughter way, but you can find the compassion and love from someone. Being around her is not going to help you move on. From what you said has happened and what continues to happen, I doubt you will get an apology or even have her recognize/validate what happened. You need to cut that part of your life out and move on.

    Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 12:28 PM on Jan. 1, 2013

  • I wanted to cut ties but at the time I was 15 and scared to death. She got mad at me cause I brought up everything from the past,see I told her to forget about everything that it's in the past and she needs to move on that I forgaveher for everything that happened to help her because she was having so much trouble dealing with it all so I tried to make it easy on her. Only thing is she hasn't treated me fairly many times and I get sickof her bitching and nagging at me. She only does this to me none of her other grown adult kids. I spoke to my brother yesterday and he says don't chew mom out she's not well in the head,I said bullshit she needs to know how I feel period and his girlfriend agreed with me that I need to let her know how she made me feel growing up and how she still makes me feel. She said it might helpme to heal and to let her know where she is as far as her relationship is with me.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:32 PM on Jan. 1, 2013

  • Counseling can help you in sorting thru all of this.

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 1:19 PM on Jan. 1, 2013

  • Just because she gave you birth, doesn't mean she gave you life. Some people have no business being parents..You sound like you're stable even though you came from total dysfunction. Keep strong and focus on your husband and kids and decide to focus on the positive people in your life, not the negative. Good luck=

    Answer by CouponKO. at 1:25 PM on Jan. 1, 2013

  • That was difficult to read, because at a mother, I can't imagine putting my child through what you've been through. For your own life and mental health, you need to get this toxic person out of your life. She will never be the mother she should have been, and with you trying over and over to make it work that way, you are only letting her hurt you again and again. Take your life back and move on.

    Answer by JulieJacobKyle at 1:47 PM on Jan. 1, 2013

  • A counselor needs to be your first stop. And yes, cut ties. That woman is NOT your mother. She's merely an egg donor. As your father was merely a sperm donor.

    I disagree with your brother's girlfriend. You don't need to lay out anything. You need to tell yourself that your family is what you CHOSE, not the bunch you were born into. That means no more mom. Maybe no more sister; depends on whether she is as she is by choice or because there's a mental disability. You might want to keep your brother. But your REAL family is your husband and any children you have.

    Blood is not thicker than water, and it's unimportant. Blood does not make a family. Caring and compassion makes a family.

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:53 PM on Jan. 1, 2013

  • ((hugs))
    I feel your pain. My mom put me through hell too....still does actually.
    Cut ties. I know it's hard. I'm trying to do the same as well.
    Good luck.

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 2:23 PM on Jan. 1, 2013

  • Some people in our lives are toxic. It sounds like your mother is one of those people. I'm so sorry she has not been a loving mother to you and as for the liking the molestation, that's just sick of her to say. I'd break off ties to her. You have done what you can. It's time to let go. Let her sink in her own vile thoughts. Cut her off like a diseased wart. You will have a chance to be healthy then. Surround yourself with positive people to fill the void. Be happy and healthy.

    Answer by admckenzie at 2:51 PM on Jan. 1, 2013

  • let her get mad, but make sure you tell her I am cutting ties because no mother that loves her child acts the way she does. Then truly cut the ties. Your relationship with her is very unhealthy, get some counseling and be the mom you never had to your children. Its a new year hun, take out the trash!

    Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 2:59 PM on Jan. 1, 2013

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