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What to do about my dd's sperm donor visitation? Long, but respectful advice needed!!

I was in an emotionally, physically, and verbally abusive, controlling and possesive relationship for 2 yrs. I ended up having my dd at 16, and when things continued to get worse I left him, because I didn't want my daughter growing up in that toxic environment. Her "sperm donor" we'll call him Clyde, went for visitation just to get back at me, and even though they had hospital reports from when his abuse had put me in the hosital, and police reports for various different assult and battery type charges, he was granted supervised visits. This lasted maybe a mo or 2, and then he ended up signing away his rights. About a year later he had met a new girl, and knew that I'd moved on, and tried to start calling me again. (Nothing to do w/ my daughter, just wanting to know about me and what I was doing) When I stopped talking to him, he took me to court and had rights reinstated. He got every Wed. of the mo. 5pm-8pm & alternating Sat.'s 4pm-8pm. No overnights and only holidays that fall on a visitation day. For 6 visits in an average mo. He was also ordered to pay $198 a mo. c.s. And 80% of medical that isn't covered by insurance. Throughout all these yrs. (dd is 14 1/2) there has been only 4 or 5 mos total where he's shown up for all his 6 visits. Things come up understandably that make it impossible to make it to every visit. But other than those 4 or 5 mos. He's missed a min. of 1-2 visits per mo. More often than not he's only shown up for 2 or 3 visits. And recently he's gone mo. after mo. not showing up at all. Last yr. he went to jail for 6 mos. and sent dd 2 letters during that time. I encouraged her to respond, but refused to make her. Told her not to do anything or say anything out of hurt or anger that she may regret. She chose not to respond. Mid Nov 2011 he wanted to start seeing her again. I convinced her to go. He was living w/ his parents and had no license so had to rely on his mom for transportation. She had a life, so they only showed up for 4 visits, the last being Dec. 27, 2011. During which he would talk to dd for a few mins., generally bashing his wife who he was seperated from at the time. and spend the rest of the visit in another room texting and watching tv. After that something always came up, so I texted his mom, (didn't have his #), and asked her to ask him if he wanted to cancel visitation until he'd straightend his life out, and then if he could give me at least a wk. notice beforehand that would be great. So they agreed and since Dec. 27, 2011 Clyde hasn't shown up for visits, called, sent a single letter, b-day card, call or text... no contact at all. Before that when he did show up since the beginning of visitation he'd be 26-29 mins late picking her up for EVERY visit. He had spent NO true time getting to know her, what she was interested in, or what she was involved in. She spent her whole visits, playing w/ his other kids, the neighborhood kids, or entertaining herself. So on Christmas Eve late afternoon, he left a message at my parents, saying he had presents and wanted to see her that night. I had told her at the beginning of Dec. that they may try to contact her, and she had said that she was done w/ him, and was done w/ the in and out of her life games. So I left it up to her. When I told her he'd called she started crying and saying "please please don't make me go!!" I let her think about it, and she still felt the same so I offered to let him know, but she said she wanted to through text. So she was respectful, but told him that she was tired of the games, he hadn't been to see her in over a year, and knew nothing about her, and she was done, and didn't want to see him. He responded by saying it wasn't a game. He was still her dad. And he had a life and problems too, which had kept him from contacting her throughout the year. He dropped her presents at my parents house. Only one of which was supposidly from him, the rest from his parents. My dd is a tomboy and not into girly stuff. Everything was pink, lacey, and sparkly... At this point he is closing in on $14,000 + in the rears for c.s.. He's never paid a cent of her medical, and hasn't seen her in over a yr. If he should contact me in the near future... should I force her to see him? Legally can I tell him to take me to court, and wait it out until then? I believe that if a father puts his child's best interests before his wants. Does what he can to help support the child. And is willing to honestly be a responsible, stable, and consistant part of his child's life, then he has every right, and should be in his child's life.... but "Clyde" has shown none of these characteristics.... What would you do? Also my parents took custody when she was born so she'd have insurance. She's always lived w/ me, and I have provided insurance or pd her medical since moving out, just don't have $10oo to get custody changed, would that affect anything?

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HappyEndings

Asked by HappyEndings at 4:44 PM on Jan. 3, 2013 in General Parenting

Level 18 (6,438 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • I agree with Meooma. Also I would not mention him again. I think eventually he'll end up in jail for a very long time & you can all forget about him. Move on with your life & let her move on with hers. She needs peace in her life. Pretend he doesn't exist.
    ILovemyPaulie

    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 4:54 PM on Jan. 3, 2013

  • At this point, I would put it all on him. I would let him take me to court to force visitation knowing that a judge is really going to take into account your DD's wishes at this point and her age, and probably nothing is going to come of it. Plus, he's most likely isn't going to have the time, money or motivation to force anything. I would just totally play the nuetral party with him. If he asks to visit, just say "oh, she has____ that night", or, "she is with grandma now" or something. Never deny him visits that he can complain about. Just be vague, and let the natural busy life of a teenager take its course. Ive been through this myself, and by the time your child is 16 its pretty much a moot point. They are driving, and in charge of their own schedules in many ways. They go where they want as far as visitations go... Id just be pleasantly vauge until then... GL
    Nimue930

    Answer by Nimue930 at 4:55 PM on Jan. 3, 2013

  • your parents have legal custody?
    "clyde" has some legal visitation?
    what do you have legally?
    court LET him sign away rights???? then let him ungive away?... wow, my state, extremely difficult to let a father give away rights, unless another male is taking over the father role

    child is 14- court would now listen to what child wants (along with all the absent time father has shown

    i would call a lawyer
    sorry, i am not more help, but if YOU do not even have custody, but he does have some...i am lost here
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 4:57 PM on Jan. 3, 2013

  • Whgy don't you go back to court and stop visitations. she is 14 years old? Old enough to decide for herself.
    I would leave it up to your DD. Let him try to bring you to court. Sould like he won't any ways.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 4:58 PM on Jan. 3, 2013

  • Thanks. =-) I don't force her to contact him, but if he should call and want her on a scheduled visitation day, I don't want to say no, and end up w/ legal problems. He's the type that would call the police..... I can't do her any good if I"m in jail, or having to pay out huge fines. I want to keep her safe, and I want her to have peace. I just want to do what's best for her, and I"m not sure what that is. My heart says the same things that you both have said, but I also have to abide by the law too, so it makes it very hard!!! =-(
    HappyEndings

    Comment by HappyEndings (original poster) at 5:01 PM on Jan. 3, 2013

  • If he is that far behind in his bills, custody and medical, and has not seen her, and she is 15. I would let him take you to court and personally I would have already taken him to court.
    Wait. You do not have legal custody and so it is your parents who would go to court and sue him and stop custody. It is legally their decision not yours.
    If you go to court, I would suggest getting the custody changed if you want the control. He may very well claim that you should not have her living with you since your parents have custody and it could get sticky.
    My opinion is get yourself a lawyer.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 5:09 PM on Jan. 3, 2013

  • My parents took custody when she was born because we were both minors, living at home, and at the time in our state that made us ineligable for any gov. assist. for medical coverage. The judge said that she could live w/ me when I moved out, until I got custody back, as long as I was covering her medically. He signed away his rights hoping it would stop c.s. But yes, our judge seemed to be very much all about the father's rights, so he was granted visitation w/ her again afterwards. He's not even on her birth certificate... The only reason my parents still have custody is that I don't have $1000 to have it transferred.... I have 3 other kids, and don't have the $$ for a lawyer to take him to court.. and I"m not sure what his rights are in Ohio, which is where we live.....
    HappyEndings

    Comment by HappyEndings (original poster) at 5:10 PM on Jan. 3, 2013

  • She has always lived w/ me, and I've always financially provided for her, paid her medical, etc.... Just when she was born, I had no way to provide medical insurance in case something happened and for all her shots and check-ups. When I moved out w/ her, I took that all over
    HappyEndings

    Comment by HappyEndings (original poster) at 5:14 PM on Jan. 3, 2013

  • If it were me, I think I'd focus my immediate attention on getting custody of my child. First and foremost.

    Following completion of that, I'd work on getting a court order that takes your daughter's wishes into consideration. Unfortunately, I would be fearful that my lack of legal custody of my own child would mean that the courts would allow the biological father to fight my parents for custody/visitation. I'm sure you don't want to open up that entire can of worms.
    Mrs_Prissy

    Answer by Mrs_Prissy at 7:26 PM on Jan. 3, 2013

  • It does not matter if a man is not on a bc. He still has equal rights. If he is the biological father that's it then. He has the same rights as dads listed on a bc. But I am sorry. In a few more years she is 18 and it will not matter much who has custody. Personally I would leave it. I would not force it and if he says I'll take you to court I will say do it. And then at that time I will get a lawyer and go from there. In the mean time a rat ass bastard like that is not going to control me or my child. Keep respecting her choice. Continue to not bad mouth him to her and she's smart. She knows what is what.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 9:03 PM on Jan. 3, 2013

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