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Sons Girlfriend (Long)

Our 16 yr old son has had a girlfriend (she's 16) since August. It's not been anything serious, and I'm glad. But.... She wants him to do things that could potentially get him in trouble. She's 16, and the rules are (according to her Father, and us) is that they aren't to go anywhere alone, and if they do anything together it has to be a school function, or with friends at public places, and he has to know about it, and approve it first by speaking to my Husband on the phone before any plans are finalized. She's already lied to her Dad, and used her Mom against him when asking for permission to do things, and it's been a mess.... Our son isn't the most mature for his age. He has his drivers license, and has been looking for a job, and does good in school, but it can be a struggle sometimes. We limit what he does because he's not the best at making decisions, so we're trying to protect him from himself.... And by decisions I mean like thinking things through, before doing them. Thankfully he knows to come to us first.
We do trust our son, but not her, we don't really know her. I read a text on his phone that she said to just tell us that she doesn't have to approve anything with her Dad anymore, and our son told her no, that's not a good idea. Then she posts pot pictures on her FB page about how good it looks, etc (we monitor our sons, and he knows it). We spoke to our son last night about it all, and he's just so hooked on this girl. She still does sleepovers, no drivers license, and no goals that we know of. According to our son she doesn't have the best grades, and to me just seems very immature for her age.
I've offered to have her over for dinner, or to hang out and watch movies, or go out with all of us, but it's always a no from her. She told our son that she's scared of me, but I'm not sure why. I'm nice to her when I see her, I'm guessing it's because we're very strict parents.
Don't get me wrong, our son is able to have fun. He has a dirt bike, his own jeep, he takes them to offroad parks with us. He's learned to take care of both, doing oil changes etc. He helped rebuild the engine in his jeep with his Dad. He stays very busy here at home. We are very family oriented, we talk a lot, and have a lot of fun together. We're also a hard working family, and our son knows what's expected of him.
So, my question is this.... Are we wrong to tell him to put a stop to the relationship (which here lately is only at school)? We don't plan on telling him he has to, but is making the suggestion wrong? I have told him that he should focus on school, and finding a job, but he just looks at me like a sad puppy... (Yes I know hormones are in play here, I'm not naive..)
I just don't feel like she's good for him. She's out to just have fun, and party by the looks of it, and we want him to be with someone that has goals, etc...
What would you do? Thanks!

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:24 PM on Jan. 4, 2013 in Teens (13-17)

This question is closed.
Answers (7)
  • You evidently have been pointing out her downside to your son and I think that's fine. Sometimes when teens are "in love" they fail to see some things that are glaringly obvious to us. I think your rules sound great and like it is severely limiting their time together, which is good. Stick to your guns! Keep asking her over, that makes you look like the good guy that you are trying to get to know her and give her a chance, but she is the one that doesn't want to get closer. I imagine this relationship will run its course, but doesn't sound like a really long term thing.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 3:02 PM on Jan. 4, 2013

  • Yes, you are wrong to tell him to stop seeing her, it sounds like the father (hers) is in the picture, and instead of her being afraid of you, I say send her a message and ask her over for dinner. Coming from you, she is afraid of you, because it is evident your son has told her YOU wish he would stop seeing her. You get more flies with honey than vinegar, just make sure your kid knows about condoms and what not, he will be an adult very soon, and if you have done such a fantastic job with him, don't worry.
    jerseydiva

    Answer by jerseydiva at 1:31 PM on Jan. 4, 2013

  • Suggesting that he put an end to the relationship...if he wants to be in it, is probably a really bad idea. As parents, we don't get to pick our kids relationships. I have three sons, and we've been through some scary girlfriends. We had strict rules, although, at 16 they were allowed to go on dates, we did have to know where they were, and they had curfews.

    You can't control who your kids 'fall in love' with, or whether they pick someone with like goals. You CAN (& probably should) have conversations about what kind of person they might want to be with & what values are important to them in someone of the opposite sex.

    Then whether they are good decision makers or not, you have to let them make their own decisions...otherwise, you're almost forcing them to lie to you. You don't want to raise a young man who has no backbone, you don't want him to lie to you, or to move out the minute he can. This is a decision he must make
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 1:38 PM on Jan. 4, 2013

  • I think whether you tell him outright, or merely suggest, that he end the relationship - it's a bad idea. That will basically push him to stay in it, to prove a point or defy you or whatever. If it's basically only at school now anyway, I'd let it go at that. Eventually, one or both of them will get tired of that and make the decision themselves to end it.

    You can't make him date someone with goals. That's what you want for him, but he's 16, soon to be an adult. He will decide for himself what kind of woman he wants, and she may or may not be what you envisioned. All you can do is hope that raised him with the values and morals you wanted him to have, and that he chooses to use them in his life. If she's really no good for him, he'll figure that out. Maybe not immediately, but he will.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 2:17 PM on Jan. 4, 2013

  • I had this same problem when my son was a teenager. He started going out with this horrible girl who was just plain trashy and not the sharpest tool in the shed. My son was an honor student and had goals of going to Standford. I know some mothers might think of it as wrong but I did the whole sneaky thing. This girl was no good for my son and the path she was on would only bring my son down. Well I started taking my son to fuctions where he would get a chance to socialize with goal oriented, bright girls. It wasn't long before my son fell for a lovely girl with morals and a great background. The old girlfriend was tossed to the curb and now years later she is working at McDonalds and she looks about twice as old as she should. My son on the other hand is a Standford graduate, outstanding job, beautiful children, and a great wife. As far as I'm concerned a mother has the right to protect their child from trash.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:52 PM on Jan. 4, 2013

  • I wouldn't tell hiim the relationship has to stop. I think it will of it's own accord. They are 16 not adults. You can talk to him about morals, plans for the future, what pot can do to stop him from his goals in life, etc. Just don't put them in the context of what she does wrong. Pretty soon he will see that what she's wanting could stop him from college, Armed Forces, jobs, etc.
    baconbits

    Answer by baconbits at 3:35 PM on Jan. 4, 2013

  • Don't ever forbid a teenager to see a boyfriend/girlfriend. The whole thing gets all Romeo & Juliet, and teen angst-y and you have even LESS control over the situation then you did before.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 8:51 PM on Jan. 4, 2013