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4 Bumps

How to mend a friendship?

I have a fairly close friend I guess I've unintentionally hurt. We used to be very close, even dated at one time, and were coworkers. We'd go out to dinner a lot and hang out together. But then I changed jobs and had a baby, and our lives went separate ways. He moved to another city, and most of our contact has been by instat message or phone call. Still, we talked often and about important things. Eventually, he broke up with his girlfriend, and he's been really gloomy and depressed about it So he talks about not having friends, and being lonely, and how hard the holidays are when you're by yourself. I listened and tried to be as empathetic as I could be. But he started in on Christmas Eve with the same old moany groanies, and I couldn't deal with it. I told him I'd be glad to talk about something else, or I'd be glad to talk to him about his feelings on another night, but I was getting Santa stuff ready for my daughter and trying hard to have an upbeat outlook on the holidays. Well, he just quit talking to me at all. Not good night, or okay thanks, or merry Christmas, or go to hell. He signed off the computer, and that was that. I checked with him in a few days and he said he wasn't exactly mad at me, but I was added to the list of friends he couldn't count on completely. That hurt, since we've known each other ten years and I've never once cut him short till now. I've supported him through the break-up of his long term relationship and a rebound fling that didn't end well, through losing his job, his mom having cancer, his decision to go to grad school, all sorts of stuff. Was I out of line? Should I have let him talk to me about his loneliness again even if it cast a cloud over my Christmas Eve? What should I do now, if anything? I tried apologizing for the fact that he was hurt, but I couldn't apologize for cutting off the conversation because I felt I had to do that for my own sanity. Maybe that was selfish, but I do miss my friend. And it hurts because sometimes it feels as if people think you're great and love you plenty as long as you can keep on giving, but then when you're tapped out, everything changes. Please forgive my rambling.

 
Ballad

Asked by Ballad at 2:06 AM on Jan. 7, 2013 in Relationships

Level 45 (193,996 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (20)
  • I had a brief friendship with someone like that. He wanted to date, but I just couldn't handle the constant negativity - his dad had cancer and all his doctors were morons, work sucked, his side jobs sucked, the weather sucked, everything in his life just sucked. And his constant negativity was depressing me and making me short tempered with the people in my own life. I ended up ending the friendship because it just wasn't worth it - all he did was bitch and complain, there was nothing else there.

    I would try the handwritten letter idea, but I'd also be (gently) honest and tell him that people can only handle so much negativity before they need a break. Maybe seeing a therapist about his problems would help him. Sometimes friends just aren't enough, and maybe that's where he is right now.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 8:56 AM on Jan. 7, 2013

  • Wow, thats tough Ballad. You 2 have been friends for so long and he gets upset at the fact you can't talk that one time, is there any thing else bothering him? Is there anyway you 2 can meet in person, reconnect type thing? I have a bff in Florida and we been friends for 16 yrs. Wow its dawned on me on how long we have known one another! Anyway, I do not know what kinda advice to give ya except try to talk to him again, write him a thoughtful letter, in hand writing, and mail it the old fashioned way and include a few pics of you and your daughter. Sometimes a hand written letter will go along way with a person cause it means you took the time and attention and it means a lot to some people. We have become so dependent on technology, we forget what writing a letter means anymore.
    Michigan-Mom74

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 2:35 AM on Jan. 7, 2013

  • If you split up in good standing, and the couple found it wasn't meant to be, whats wrong with remaining friends? Sometimes that kinda friendship is deeper then some of the other friendships...IMO
    Michigan-Mom74

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 2:55 AM on Jan. 7, 2013

  • Ballad is blind. I'm not sure how the voice device she uses works, but perhaps that is the reason for the lack paragraphs.

    Op, there are some friendships that mend themselves in time and others that need not mending. Let it go and see what happens.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:01 AM on Jan. 7, 2013

  • Your absolutely not wrong , if he gets upset over something like that it seems things are one sided, I've had friends like that, they are alot of work , it's draining!!!!! often it's the same thing over and over, he should have completely understood you and your daughter wanted to enjoy the holidays, misery loves company I guess, he wanted to bring you into his.
    Princess_s21

    Answer by Princess_s21 at 4:24 AM on Jan. 7, 2013

  • He sounds like one of those friends who is all about himself and expects you to always be available to him. If it doesn't work both ways, it doesn't work at all. I think you've done enough, so I would just let him be. He'll probably call on you again next time he's feeling low and doesn't have anybody else to whom he can turn.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:22 AM on Jan. 7, 2013

  • @Anonymous...



    And for the benefit of OP, the cartoon reads...:Well aren't you just a fun filled little lollipop triple dipped in psycho"

    Michigan-Mom74

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 2:48 AM on Jan. 7, 2013

  • feralxat.......



    lol


     

    Michigan-Mom74

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 2:51 AM on Jan. 7, 2013

  • MM74
    lol
    I want to read it. I really do. but c'mon. i just cant. i have a 21st century attention span and the wall of text doesn't help :)
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 3:00 AM on Jan. 7, 2013

  • you werent called psycho.
    the anon was
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 3:34 AM on Jan. 7, 2013

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