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Feeling guilty and super frustrated at the same time.....

Dh is an otr truck driver. I generally drop him off late Sun. or very early Mon. morning. (his terminal is 45 mins away). Then I pick him up sometime Fri. or very early Sat. morning. We live in Ohio, and he generally drives back and forth all wk. between southern Ohio, and E. PA. and occasionally to Arkansas and back. He stops when he wants to sleep, has peace and quiet all wk, and basically deals w/ the stresses of traffic, and weather. When he gets home he pretty much bonds w/ the couch, sleeps in, and horses around w/ the kids for a little bit, until he gets irritated, because they are all worked up, and screaming, or finds something on tv. Running to stores if there is something he wants, or going out on occasion w/ me to a bar,but only when he feels like it. During the wk. I'm at home dealing w/ my 4 kids, ages 14, 8, 4, and 2. Potty training, getting the 4 y/o ready for Kindergarden next school yr., cooking, cleaning, helping w/ h.w., shuttling the older kids to and from school and activities, laundry, etc. I take the trash out, shovel the snow in the winter, mow the lawn in the summer, and rake the leaves, and tend to the yard in the fall. I also work as a bartender a couple hours a wk. and fill in when needed. I do the heavy cleaning, downstairs and bathroom, at the end of each wk. so everything is clean when he comes home. Then I drive out and get dh at sometimes 2 or 3am Sat., or rearrange my schedule to get him whenever he comes in on Fri. When he comes home I'm torn between feeling frustrated that I always have something or things that I need him to do around the house, which never gets done, and I end up having to do it anyway. And feeling bad because he's out working and deserves a break. He sometimes makes little comments, after the kids have gone through and messed up the house w/ their toys and stuff, saying "I'm tired of this house always being a pig sty," or "guess mommy didn't feel like doing laundry today, so it's dirty socks for me today" (I do mine and the kids laundry during the week, and try to wait until Sun. to do his so he has plenty of clean clothes for the week out on the road) Right now I'm looking at our 6 1/2 foot Christmas tree, which I de-decorated yesterday, and asked him to help me lug down to the street before he went back to work, and is still sitting in our foyer. It's trash day tomorrow morning, so I'm gonna have to drag it down tonight, and I'm super irritated.... Just wondering if anyone else wrestles w/ the guilt, and frustration? Am I over reacting? Feeling like a single parent 99% of the time, and a bit overwhelmed.... I've been working on picking my battles, and I've talked to him about this, but never got anywhere... should I just let it go?

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HappyEndings

Asked by HappyEndings at 2:04 PM on Jan. 7, 2013 in Relationships

Level 18 (6,438 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • Hon, no offense, but this is a marriage and a typical family experience. Husbands work, wives work, we all have kids, we all have responsibilities. It's like this when the children all little... everyone makes sacrifices. This is real life. This is how it goes and how it works until your children are older and able to fend for themselves.... even then it's questionable at times... LOL!

    I only have two, but my grandmother raised 12 without my grandfather around because he worked and was an alcoholic.....

    She had plenty of good stories for me when life got tough.... Hang in there. You are okay!
    m-avi

    Answer by m-avi at 2:08 PM on Jan. 7, 2013

  • His attitude could be better. Making smart ass remarks doesn't help. it doesn't seem like you're asking for much,yet he makes it out like you are
    i'd get pissed and tell him to get off his ass and fix whatever he sees is wrong then. He's acting like you spend the week sitting on your ass on the couch
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 2:15 PM on Jan. 7, 2013

  • m-avi, I give your grandmother props and a 1/2, because I just can't imagine 12 kids, even w/ a dh that helped out!!!! Mine had 7, and it just blows my mind!! Just wish dh would help out even the tiniest bit around here. Seems like I go out of my way to make his life easier, and he just makes mine harder. Feels like I'm raising 5 kids instead of 4 half the time!!! =-P
    HappyEndings

    Comment by HappyEndings (original poster) at 2:18 PM on Jan. 7, 2013

  • I agree butterflyblue19! Funny thing is that I was in the hospital for 7 wks, when I was preggers w/ my youngest, and dh had to take care of the other 3 on his own, (w/ my mom and oldest daughter's help... lol) and he promised me, after only a few days, that he'd never take me for granted again...... lol..... how quickly they forget......
    HappyEndings

    Comment by HappyEndings (original poster) at 2:22 PM on Jan. 7, 2013

  • I understand HE. My ex never helped out that much either. But, he is a good dad and that's all that matters... Sorry about your feeling overwhelmed....
    m-avi

    Answer by m-avi at 2:26 PM on Jan. 7, 2013

  • Sorry to me that seems like the deal. He works over the road and is deprived of the comforts of home and family and you "get to stay home" You get to deal with all of that. You older two should have some responsibilities to help around the house and with their siblings. Sorry but that is the job each of you took with all the great things and the bad ones too.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 2:51 PM on Jan. 7, 2013

  • I know it is super frustrating, and im sorry you are dealing with it, but as the other's have said, it's kinda just life at the moment. I'd tell your dh (after he's been home a little and had time to rest with a good meal) that you understand he's on the road, and working hard, but you work too and you never get a break. And you need to talk to him about ways to make it easier on both of you. Tell him you feel like you do XYZ to make his job easier, and you'd appreciate it if he could do 123 to make your job easier. Then let him have his say about how he feels... Start small and see how it goes... GL
    Nimue930

    Answer by Nimue930 at 5:39 PM on Jan. 7, 2013

  • It seems to me that he sees his role in the family as the lump on the couch who brings home the paycheck and therefor can act like a jerk.
    booklover545

    Answer by booklover545 at 6:44 PM on Jan. 7, 2013

  • I guess I just feel like there should be some kind of balance. Taking care of 4 kids on my own is a full time job in itself, and then to do everything else on top of it around the house, w/out any breaks, or time to relax gets maddening at times. I work too, and take care of my responsibilities, and because he's out working and I "get to stay at home" I don't have a problem doing what I do, but it just feels like he should be willing to do a very few things that I need help w/, when he's at home. Maybe it's selfish but I guess I feel like his responsibilites to the fam. should go deeper than paying the bills..... Thanks for all of your feedback. Nimue930, I really appreciate your advice, and will def. try it! And Butterflyblue19 thanks for the support. Dardenella and m-avi thanks for telling me like it is
    HappyEndings

    Comment by HappyEndings (original poster) at 7:56 PM on Jan. 7, 2013

  • booklover545 I do kind of agree that he seems to feel that providing financially should kind of entitle him to do nothing else. I appreciate very much what he does for us, and the sacrifices, but a little help wouldn't kill him either..... I don't think..... lol
    HappyEndings

    Comment by HappyEndings (original poster) at 8:00 PM on Jan. 7, 2013

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