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4 Bumps

Relationship advice

I wrote earler about my husband being lazy and not doing much even though he does not work and we have 2 kids age 2 and 4. 4 year old in preschool and 2 baby sitters that do most of my son's care except 1-1/2 days a week. Anyway my husband has been saying he's going to leave off and on since last year and brings it up 4-6 times at least last year. This year he has talked about leaving a lot to. Every time I just say well if you want to leave and leave your kids it's up to you but other then that don't say anything because anyting I say he will fight me on. LAst night he said again he was leaving for good and I asked him what that meant for us. He said he would visit the children(nice I guess!) and when I said I mean us are you wanting a divorse he said he had not thought about that. Later on that night he said he maybe did not need to leave forever as he did not know how the kids would take that but would need to just take a break. I though he meant go see his friends and family for maybe 3-4 weeks instead of the 1 week he had said he would be gone in later april. But instead he said I will be gone from end of april to next winter sometime about 6 months and might come back then. Well when I said that I told him i was kinda willing to work with you on a month but 6 months and might be coming back sounds like not coming back but just trying to apease me. I am not fighting him leaving me just don't want the kids hurt over this. I work and can provide for myself and kids overall and I would never let my husband have the kids himself and he is showing himself very unstable. Any thoughts on this and what is happening with him. We live in HI right now and he would go back to CA he says if he goes.

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christy509

Asked by christy509 at 10:40 AM on Jan. 13, 2013 in Relationships

Level 3 (13 Credits)
Answers (16)
  • This is what I would tell him. If you leave the relationship. We are done, through. I will divorce you. I personally do not believe in trile seperations, or I need time alone.  Either you work it out  living together. Or you divorce.

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 10:51 AM on Jan. 13, 2013

  • I think he is trying to ease you into eventually divorce....it is a slow process cop out of the relationship, snip it in the butt now, and tell him to really tell you how he feels and the why behind this and take it from there....if you two are not happy it is better for those children to have two separate happy parents or two unhappy united ones...
    older

    Answer by older at 11:13 AM on Jan. 13, 2013

  • I would tell him if he left, that's it. I would not take him back, but i wouldnt let him stay now. You are doing everything and he is just taking. Adults don't get vacations from life, he needs to grow up.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 11:15 AM on Jan. 13, 2013

  • Let him leave then file for divorce claiming "abandonment". Then you'll have the upper hand. Don't let him control the situation. And, honestly, since he doesn't work (unless he's receiving disibility or unemployment) you'll probably save money with him gone.
    3libras

    Answer by 3libras at 11:20 AM on Jan. 13, 2013

  • Personally I think he wants his cake, and eat it to. He wants to go and be on his own, with no responsibilities, like child support, etc, and he's going to string you along so he doesn't have to help you, and your hands are tied then because you won't have anything in writing.
    My advice to you is this: Tell him, fine you can leave for 6 months, but you're going to have temporary child support set up, and have an attorney write it all up, so it's in writing that he has to help you financially. You will also have put in the papers that you have sole physical custody, so he can't just come pick them up, and not return. It's for your protection, and your kids.
    If you need anymore advice feel free to message me.
    MrsLeftlane

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 11:23 AM on Jan. 13, 2013

  • I'm betting after you present what I mentioned above he won't want to leave. If he agrees to it, then I would go ahead with a divorce. But you should get temp support put in place, and a visitation plan ahead of time so he can't take the kids out of state.
    MrsLeftlane

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 11:25 AM on Jan. 13, 2013

  • Thanks guys I agree with all of you if he leaves it's done! Did not know about the abandonment but will check into it makes sense. Yes husband does get some disability but it's his and the kids (kids get it because of him) and I will get the kids of course as they will be living with me and I already get there money in my name. So will get a little less money in the household but thinking about moving to a smaller place as we don't need a 3 bedroom house for ourselves and that will have a lot of rent money if my husband leaves us.
    christy509

    Comment by christy509 (original poster) at 11:27 AM on Jan. 13, 2013

  • agree that you need to have lawyer draw up some papers
    since you are married, if he left, then came back for the kids and took them- you would be in court for a long time before you saw them again
    not right, but legal

    get lawyer to do paperwork, have him sign, show him the door, and get on with your life
    i am guessing that a divorce will follow

    hugs
    you do sound very level headed about this and strong
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 12:19 PM on Jan. 13, 2013

  • Don't let him mess with you like this. Next time he wants to leave tell him you are his wife and that he will not come and go as he pleases. Tell him to either pack his bags immediately or forever hold his peace (as the expression goes). If he leaves, file for divorce IMMEDIATELY and get child support and visitation settled once and for all. Make sure he knows you will be doing this and that he understands the effects of his actions. If he realizes that he has made a whopper of a mistake further down the line he can always woo you again ... provided you're still free and haven't replaced him with a more recent, more dependable, more reliable model.

    PS - has he been checked for depression? He's showing some classic signs...
    winterglow

    Answer by winterglow at 1:35 PM on Jan. 13, 2013

  • Bye bye. I'd help him pack. Sounds like he doesn't know what he wants, but you're the sure thing, so he's comfortable there.
    Stop being the "sure thing". You deserve more.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 2:57 PM on Jan. 13, 2013

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