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3 Bumps

Is this selfish of me?

My husband and I have only been married 3 months. We talked about everything before we got married and I thought we knew each others needs and desires. But he has since stopped doing anything for me. I'm a SAHM and homeschool my son so let me just say I appreciate how hard he works. I do.
So is it selfish of me to want a kind word every once in awhile? Or flowers or a love note? Is it selfish of me to want kids when he doesn't? (we both said before marriage that we want kids and now he doesn't) Is it selfish of me to want him to act like a dad to not only my son but his kids, and by dad I mean spend time with them, talk to them, teach them things? I don't know what to do. I feel like our marriage is over before its begun. Oh and yes we talked about it and agreed to be the parent for each others kids since his kids don't have a mom and my son doesn't have a dad but now I see that I'm parenting all of them and he's not doing anything. Except on occasional yelling at them for not doing what they're told.
Also is it selfish of me to want someone to talk to? I mean to really talk to, to discuss life with and where we're headed. The future and our goals? DH and I don't do that, in fact he has said expressly that he won't talk about the future. Is it selfish of me to want a companion to go places and see things with? He won't. And I don't know what to do. He fulfills none of my needs and I am sooo unhappy. When I try to talk to him about it he just gets mad and tells me I make him feel like a failure but still does nothing. I've asked him specifically for certain things like hugs and hand holding and don't get those.
Am I being selfish or does my husband really not love me?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 12:04 PM on Jan. 13, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • Sound like he was just telling you all those thing to get you as a live in babysitter to his kids. (You do take care of his kids right?) So you guys did all this talking before marriage and then he just has not kept his promises?  

    What are you planing to do about it?


    Answer by louise2 at 12:11 PM on Jan. 13, 2013

  • I don't think you are being selfish at all!

    Answer by JennieMarie1103 at 12:20 PM on Jan. 13, 2013

  • I do take care of his kids. I have no clue what I'm going to do. I just wondered what someone else's take on it was.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:25 PM on Jan. 13, 2013

  • Only 3 months into your marriage & this sudden change? Were there no hints to his behavior beforehand? This sounds very odd. People don't change that much in 3 months. What does he say he wants from you? Maybe he has financial troubles & doesn't want to burden you with them. There has to be something bothering him. OR you were so caught up in getting married that you maybe turned a blind eye to his behavior before the wedding? Is he going through something now?


    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 12:35 PM on Jan. 13, 2013

  • He doesn't seem to be going through anything, as I also do the bills and shop I know what how the money sits, we're fine. We don't have a lot of extra but we have all our bills paid and can put a little in savings each month. I'm not sure what we're saving for... But yes I may have turned a blind eye, as I've been in an abusive marriage before (5 years ago) I tried to be very careful and cautious going into this one. He was very sweet and considerate before we married and now its like I don't even exist. Its not that he's mean or abusive or anything bad. Its that he's not anything, he doesn't do anything, he doesn't participate in anything. If the kids want something or want to do something than he asks me to take care of it and finds an excuse to avoid everything.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:44 PM on Jan. 13, 2013

  • It's only been three months since you got married and you keep saying before we got married it was good, now it's not. How long before you got married was it good? a while before, or right before? What changed when you got married? did you live together before? Maybe answering these questions can lead you to figuring out why his attitude has changed.

    I don't think you are selfish, not by a long shot. I do think that three months isn't long for things to have been bad or good. Work together to pinpoint what's wrong and fix it if you both can. GL

    Answer by tessiedawg at 1:15 PM on Jan. 13, 2013

  • How long did you date and really get to know him before marrying?

    Answer by dullscissors at 3:49 PM on Jan. 13, 2013

  • I still think he wanted a babysitter/mom for his kids.

    Answer by louise2 at 4:20 PM on Jan. 13, 2013

  • It's still early enough that you can walk away from this all. File for divorce and you might even be able to get it anulled. Don't get trapped into being dependent on him. You weren't dependent on him before you married so you can return to that independence you had. And perhaps, a separation right now may give him the wake-up call he needs if he wants to change. But only if he wants to change. This is just the early stage yet you're already experiencing LOTS of problems. This foretells the future of this marriage. My advice, RUN far far away. He is full of empty promises and you know it already that all he can give is heartache. When you can still do something about it, why not do something?

    Answer by hellokittykat at 12:08 AM on Jan. 18, 2013

  • hellokittykat

    Answer by hellokittykat at 12:11 AM on Jan. 18, 2013

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