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Shocked & hurt! How would you feel? Desperately need answers!

My fiance tells me numerous times a day that he loves me and wants to marry me. Last night he confessed to thinking it's possible there's another woman for him (noone in specific). He said he fell in love with me and wants me to be his wife . When I responded with how hurt I felt to hear that, he said it another two or three times.

After I said that I didn't feel the same, that I'm deeply in love with him, that he is the "one and only [his name], that it doesn't enter my head that there could be another man for me in this world, he smiled, then eventually expressed that he feels the same.

I'm shocked and hurt - certainly not what I wanted to hear from the man I'm in love with and plan to marry.

How would you feel? Would you feel confused, hurt, and insecure? Keep in mind that he's openly flirted and checked out women in front of me (but, denies it).

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 12:12 PM on Feb. 13, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • It could be yes he loves you deeply, but is terrifed of commitment and being with one woman the rest of his life. Kinda how Scott Baio was! I would sit down and have a very long serious heart-to heart with him. good luck!

    Answer by WishyClarkson at 12:16 PM on Feb. 13, 2009

  • He's not ready to be married and you would only be putting yourself in a situation where you would end up in a abusive relationship or be divorced before your first anniversary.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:16 PM on Feb. 13, 2009

  • I actually had this happen. I asked my SO if he was happy with me or if he thought there was someone better out there for him and his response was "don't you?" meaning didn't I think there was someone better for me too. That hurt because I don't think there is anyone better for me and I told him that. Then he said he is happy with me but of course I'm still insecure about it wondering if he's just biding his time before he leaves me. I've told him if he's not happy, not to play games with me because it's not fair to eithier of us but he insists now that he only wants to be with me. I am confused but he doesn't flirt with other women. If he looks, he does when I can't see it! So it's natural to feel hurt about this but I'd talk it over with him more if he's still flirting with others. Maybe he's not ready to make the big commitment.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:20 PM on Feb. 13, 2009

  • I'm so sorry i cant imagine hearing that. If it were me i think i would hold off on getting married, until he was sure i was "the one" It doesnt sound like he is ready for marriage yet. You can say alot but your actions tell all, do u truly feel like he is in love with you based on how he acts with you?

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:20 PM on Feb. 13, 2009

  • hmm after being married 26 yrs i would say maybe he was testing you to see what you would say.or he does mean it.i would maybe watch him for a while see how he reacts around other woman.i would see if maybe there is another woman.not that he is with per say but one that he is thinking thing i can tell youmy husband is a flirt/he just talks to woman.actually talks to everyone.i know he loves me.actually he talks about men and has man crushes.oh do you know how so and so gets his hair like that.i think it is funny.keep an eye on him and if he is legit it will all work out...

    Answer by snowmom974 at 12:20 PM on Feb. 13, 2009

  • I would suggest counseling for him and then for both of you. I would insist on it and find out WHY he said what he said or the marriage would start out with you wondering if he is thinking of another woman. Marriage is difficult enough without trust and fidelity issues. You are worth so much more than that so don't give up-tell him that statement he made was hurtful and damages trust and he needs to get counseling. Good luck and I hope it turns out well.

    Answer by Lindalu2 at 12:30 PM on Feb. 13, 2009

  • **** From OP ****

    Thank you for your answers. Most of what you wrote confirms most of what I already thought and tried to explain to him.

    He confessed to this only one week after I moved in with him. When I said I couldn't marry him knowing how he felt and that I would have to move out, he became and angry and hostile. He yelled and swore at me. He kicked objects.

    This morning, he''s pleading with me not to leave. He said he wants to work things out. He said I am the only one for him.

    I can't seen how it's possible to have a mutually committed, intimate relationship with him after what he said.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:45 PM on Feb. 13, 2009

  • After reading what you (OP) just wrote about him getting angry, kicking things and swearing at you, I'd seriously rethink getting married to him. Sounds like he has an anger problem and it's only going to get worse unless he gets help for it fast.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:02 PM on Feb. 13, 2009

  • I have to admit that I had some serious doubts before and after my wedding about my husband being the man for me. Good or bad, I don't know. But after reading what you said about him losing his temper, I would be much more concerned about that then about committment jitters. Take his temper tantrum seriously, it's probably only a preview of what you're in for if you spend your life with him.

    Answer by MommyAddie at 1:38 PM on Feb. 13, 2009

  • ***From OP *** Thanks again, ladies. You confirmed what I had thought and felt previously to posting. I'm concerned about the temper tantrums. I've been in abusive relationships in the pat. He's showing many signs.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:20 PM on Feb. 13, 2009

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