No More BMom at Visits...UPDATED

Found out that DD's BMom was arrested last week for "Illegal Manufacture" of meth. I feel so sick to my stomach right now. I mean, I realized she wasn't exactly a great influence, but THIS?!?!?

So definitely, without a doubt, even if she doesn't go to jail/prison (currently out on bail), she is not welcomed at the visits...indefinitely. We will keep up visits with BMom's parents and DD's brothers, but no longer BMom.

As I've said around here before, DD honestly don't seem to pay much, if any attention to BMom at the visits (always more concerned about playing with brothers) and when she hasn't been there, it has never been a big deal......but now that it will be no more BMom, I'm not sure how to explain that to her.

Obviously need to keep things age appropriate (turns 7 next month), but yet at the same time, we need to make sure she understands that BMom did something seriously wrong. How in the world do you do that?

Not many times have I wished we had a closed adoption...but this is definitely one of them.

UPDATE:

I called BMom's mom to schedule our visit for next month fully expecting her to let me know what happened (she has been very open and honest with me about what BMom has been going through these past couple of years...or so I thought). She didn't say a word about the arrest and I didn't want to yet bring it up until I knew exactly what I wanted to say. We talked about how BMom has been doing in her rehab and how BMom has been keeping out of trouble...all the while I know she's lying and the longer our conversation went, the more I was losing trust in her. I can only assume that she's hoping I don't find out because I told her that if BMom was involved in drugs, she would not be invited to the visits.....but how can I not find out being that what she did is a 1st degree felony and has a minimum prison term of 3 years in our state? Does she seriously think she'll be able to hide that there's no BMom at the vistis until DD is 10?

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Asked by AllAboutKeeley at 12:43 AM on Jan. 14, 2013 in Adoption

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Answers (17)

Wow, what a mess. Can you just tell your daughter that her birth mom did something bad and got in trouble with the police, and part of the consequences will be that she can't visit anymore, at least for a while?

Answer by Ballad at 12:48 AM on Jan. 14, 2013
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I would just leave it at- BMom made a bad choice and she had she had to go to jail for a little while and then answer questions as she has them. You could turn this into a learning experience about being careful to make good decisions because all of your decisions effect other people not just your self.

Answer by But_Mommie at 7:03 AM on Jan. 14, 2013
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I will tell you what my parents always said. I have posted it on here numerous times.

"Sometimes good people make bad choices, and when they make those bad choices they cannot be a good example for children so they are not allowed to be around them." Your birthmom made a choice that was not good and now we can not invite her to your visits.

IF she says what choice, tell her.....she broke the law and made some very dangerous drugs.

Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 8:16 AM on Jan. 14, 2013
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My MIL raises three of her grandchildren, their Mother had drug problems , including prostituting for drugs etc, we told the kids their Mother was sick and was making very bad decisions etc and not well enough to be around them when the kids were young, as I still think its important not to involve young kids too much in adult issues or running down Bmom to them.

Answer by Anonymous at 1:11 AM on Jan. 14, 2013

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Shadowed joy for sure, if that makes sense....

Anyway, I'd tell her something like: Sweety, your Biomom (or whatever you call her) won't be at your visits with your brothers for a while.

If she asks why, that's where I get stumped. I'm all for telling a kid as much of the truth as is appropriate. I have memories of being lied to when I was around 3 years old.

Maybe: Bio-mom got arrested for making bad drugs. Now she has to face the consequences for breaking the law.

I wouldn't get too specific though. What a tough situation.

Answer by Rosehawk at 1:33 AM on Jan. 14, 2013
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I agree with luvmygrandbaby's first reply about good people making bad choices. Also, frogdawg's reply about children imagining the worse if you don't say something at all. A good friend told me to explain to my DS that sometimes adults make wrong choices and break the laws/rules & have to have a "time out" (in jail) to face consequences for their actions until the judge decides what their punishment will be. (He'd heard CW talking & knew she was there.) Also, I'd be careful about using the word "sick", as she may wonder since she was born to bio mom if she will get this same "sickness". I also agree that you & gma want to be on the same page so that brother doesn't share much more than you have. It's a crappy situation that you are having to worry about what to tell her. I understand the need to say something, but not too much. I would keep it simple & only answer what she asks. That's all she'll be able to handle for now.

Answer by doodlebopfan at 4:06 AM on Jan. 16, 2013
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I think I would wait until she notices that BN hasn't visited in a while or BM goes to prison.

I think I would adopt don't ask don't tell until she does.

Then you can tell her that BM had to go away for a long time. If she asks why you can tell her that sometimes people do bad things and BM did. The Consequences are that she has to go someplace not very nice for a while to think about what she did.

Answer by Dardenella at 1:36 AM on Jan. 14, 2013
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I will be the first to tell you I do not know anything about your life.
So,, You adopted a baby? You have to let the birth family see the child?

Answer by louise2 at 7:05 AM on Jan. 14, 2013
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I would just say exactly what you said: that BM did something seriously wrong, and because of that, she won't be at the visits for a while. Beyond that, if she asks why, it's up to you if you want to say that you aren't comfortable with her being there, or that she's in jail, or whatever.

Does your daughter know about drugs? Have you begun having talks with her about them? If so, you could (vaguely) hold BM up as the example of why drugs are as bad as you say they are. Something like "Do you remember when we've talked about drugs, and how bad they are, and how they can mess up your life? Well, BM got involved with drugs, and now it's messing up her life. Hopefully she'll get better and be able to see you again, but right now, it's just not something that can happen." I know you might not want BM around again, but I'm also assuming you don't want to come right out and tell her that, so that's why the last line.

Answer by wendythewriter at 7:54 AM on Jan. 14, 2013
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By the way: what I tell kids, "you're birth mom has an illness. Not the kind where you throw up or have a fever, but a different kind of sickness. She is having a very hard time and she is safe. While in jail she will have three meals a day, doctors, and people to help her if she wants help...." I reassure. I keep it simple. I tell them the truth or I urge parents to tell their child the truth. Typically kids already know no matter how much we try to keep it from them. Call it a gut feeling. But when they don't know they picture the worst. Again, so very sorry. You have done such a great job trying but it is a two way street. And right now hard choices have to be made. Stay firm and you have support.

Answer by frogdawg at 8:31 AM on Jan. 14, 2013
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