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3 Bumps

How do you help someone decide?

As some of you know, my mom has breast cancer. It's been about 2.5 months since her original diagnosis. She's had a bunch of additional tests, and meetings with a boat load of doctors. She originally decided on a mastectomy and reconstruction, because she is a larger busted woman and didn't want to feel lopsided. Good, fine. She decided (she is always the last to order in a restaurant because she cannot decide and it's almost always like she's under pressure whether it's been 5 minutes or an hour and a half.)

Now she is second guessing herself and thinking a bilateral mastectomy with no reconstruction. I think it's fine and actually a good decision because this woman needs to take the road with the least amount of work. Seriously, she doesn't want to have to do anything in this to get and keep herself well. This worries me in the sense that if she is barely a player in her own life, how do I guide her? I told her my opinion and she acts like she's barely heard it.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to guide her? I'm pretty sure it's easier to herd cats.

Answer Question

Asked by balagan_imma at 5:28 PM on Jan. 14, 2013 in Relationships

Level 35 (77,648 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • The bilateral may be best, considering the possibility of cancer developing in her other breast can occur.


    Answer by 3libras at 5:32 PM on Jan. 14, 2013

  • I'd say "I think you are right to forgo the reconstruction now & how about we decide on that later on". Say you'll take her for a good bra when she gets her prosthesis'. For her that's probably the best way to go. Best wishes.


    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 5:37 PM on Jan. 14, 2013

  • I agree with the poster above me. No matter what she decides I hope for the best for her and you. I'm sure.watching your mom go throughall that is hard.

    Answer by JennieMarie1103 at 5:39 PM on Jan. 14, 2013

  • Wow, I feel for both of you. I can't even imagine having to make those decisions.

    As far as ordering in a restaurant, try offering to order for her. Might be a fun experience, might get her more willing to choose something for herself!

    Answer by Ballad at 5:42 PM on Jan. 14, 2013

  • How do you help her decide. You already have. You have given your opinion and your support. Then she will make her decision.

    Answer by Dardenella at 5:52 PM on Jan. 14, 2013

  • "As far as ordering in a restaurant, try offering to order for her. Might be a fun experience, might get her more willing to choose something for herself!"

    We do that in Chinese restaurants and certain sushi places because we know what she likes. But, in general, it was more just to give an example of her personality.

    I know that I have chimed in, but it was frustrating for me to hear her ask the doctor the same question over and over again. The doctor won't recommend any surgery over the other, except to say that she wouldn't talk her out of the bilateral. But that even a lumpectomy would pretty much cure her, but she'd need probably a week of radiation after.

    It's one of those cases that I really want to help, but I can't make the decision for her. I wish she had a husband or even a life partner who could chime in.

    Comment by balagan_imma (original poster) at 6:30 PM on Jan. 14, 2013

  • Hmm. You could always take her coffin shopping. It's one way to drill home the message that a decision is needed NOW.

    Answer by gdiamante at 11:25 PM on Jan. 14, 2013

  • aShe may be afraid. Maybe go with her to the doctor and include the doctor in the conversation. The doctor can shed some light on the pros and cons of each option. Good luck.

    Answer by booklover545 at 6:25 PM on Jan. 16, 2013

  • I'm sure that's she's afraid. She's asked the doctor a lot of questions and the doctor has answered. The doctor just won't make a recommendation for any of the surgery options because there isn't just one option. She has stated that surgery is needed, but a mastectomy over a lumpectomy is not going to change her odds for survival. My mom is in really good shape as far as breast cancer is concerned. It's a fairly run of the mill type and her lymph nodes are clear; even my friend L who is a 15 year survivor had issue with a couple of nodes.

    It's more that she wants someone to tell her what to do and we cannot. I've put in my opinion, but somehow it doesn't seem to count. Maybe I will offer to take her coffin and plot shopping, except I think she still wants cremation.

    Comment by balagan_imma (original poster) at 6:35 PM on Jan. 16, 2013

  • bilateral mastectomy with no reconstruction........

    This is both remove, ? This is a great decision I would do this, If I could.

    Answer by SissyAnn141 at 3:53 AM on Jan. 23, 2013

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