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5 Bumps

How do I forgive him and forget?

I caught my husband talking to his ex girlfriend. the one that had cheated on him when he went to basic training. I got very angry with him and don't know what to do about. Keep in mind, my husband has a very mild form of ptsd and get's very hurt and angry fast. I don't want to leave hima nd he can't see a councilor cause of the line of work he does. How do I forgive and forget this? I love my Hubby more than anything, he literally saved my life when we started dating and I don't know what I'd do without him. I need advice so bad, cause I don't want to leave him!

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beestiffler

Asked by beestiffler at 5:33 PM on Jan. 15, 2013 in Relationships

Level 3 (16 Credits)
Answers (21)
  • Have you told him how you feel? Do you know why he was talking to her? I would just let him know that you don't feel comfortable with him talking to her and ask that he not do it again. You don't want to make him upset, but at the same time you are entitled to express your feelings. Just do it in a calm and non-accuasatory manner.
    hatagaj

    Answer by hatagaj at 5:36 PM on Jan. 15, 2013

  • First make him understand that what he did, talking to his EX, upset you. PTSD or not. You have feelings too. He needs to know it hurt you. PTSD does not give him a right to abuse you.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 5:37 PM on Jan. 15, 2013

  • I have talked to him about it. When I asked he said he had so many unresolved questions and feelings for her. he also said they were together for 2 1/2 years so it's hard to forget everything she did to him. I told him that I would like her blocked from his phone and from social media sites. He said he doesn't want to lose me and he'd do anything to keep me in his life and he'd never hurt me like that again. I just don't know if i can honestly trust that. I have such bad trust issues in the first place and now I don't trust my husband.
    beestiffler

    Comment by beestiffler (original poster) at 5:40 PM on Jan. 15, 2013

  • She lives 3 states away, he was only talking to her. I didn't see anything else that would have been flagged other than him saying he did miss her.
    beestiffler

    Comment by beestiffler (original poster) at 5:41 PM on Jan. 15, 2013

  • Be careful not to let you husband use PTSD as a crutch that keeps him from being kind to you. On the other hand, be careful not to let your trust issues, created in the past, make you quick to judge him when he might not be doing anything wrong. I couldn't be with a person who wanted me to forget about an ex and never talk to him again. Exes are part of a person's life, like it or not. You can't erase your history. Having secret meetings with an ex, having sex with one, those I would be worried about. But talking to one, trying to resolve feelings, that might not be a bad thing.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 5:43 PM on Jan. 15, 2013

  • How long have you guys been together? Has he given you any other reasons to distrust him? He should have dealt with his unresolved problems before dating and marrying you, but since he didn't a simple conversation may not be a reason to distrust him. You said that he is unable to seek counseling due to his job, so maybe this is his way of dealing with some of his issues. If he says he will stop talking to her, I would give him the benefit of the doubt.
    hatagaj

    Answer by hatagaj at 5:45 PM on Jan. 15, 2013

  • If EX is back in the picture. You two must not be married long? If they have no kids together. He has no reason to talk to her. She should have no hold on him.

    If you want to stay with him, time and him doing the right thing will be the only things that will help you forgive him. You will never forget.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 5:45 PM on Jan. 15, 2013

  • we've been married for 7 months and dated for 2 and a half. when we started dating i did catch him talking to a few girls back home, and I had a few girls when we got married who found me on FB and told me how much of a horrible person he is. I wouldn't question him for nothing. it scared me to death that this happened and I never want it to happen again. I wish he c ould do counseling but wouldn't him maybe coming and talking to me be just as helpful for him?
    beestiffler

    Comment by beestiffler (original poster) at 5:49 PM on Jan. 15, 2013

  • Be open and honest about your feelings to him; ask him how he would feel if one of your ex-boyfriends was talking with you? If you only dated for 2 and a half months before getting married, it's possible he wasn't over her and you could be the rebound mate. Take him up on his offer to not talk to her again, and work together about being open with each other. Husbands and wives are also supposed to be best friends, be his best friend, his shoulder to cry on, his soul mate. If you are fullfilling those needs for him, you're building trust between you, and he will have no need to seek councelling from ex-girlfriends. She cheated on him right? It's doubtful that he would ever trust her again, but he may not know how to let go of the emotional feelings he had when they were together. You research how to deal with those feelings and issues, and use them to counsel your husband. It will probably bring you closer.
    Sierrarose99

    Answer by Sierrarose99 at 6:15 PM on Jan. 15, 2013

  • did you ask him what he meant by he missed her? I miss some of my exes too, once in a great while, if he didn't cross the line, I would just pose it as How would you feel if you read me saying that to someone. Now one part of your statement that worries me is 'HE saved my life", he could go to a counselor without his job knowing about it, anger and PSTD are not a good mix, so don't let the fact you think you owe him give him an excuse to mistreat you, you may also be overly clingy due to whatever was going on when he came to your "rescue", I am not saying he is abusive, but it does fit a pattern for them to rescue a damsel in distress. Good luck, but as I said he could talk to a pastor or pay for counseling "off the books" so to speak.
    jerseydiva

    Answer by jerseydiva at 6:22 PM on Jan. 15, 2013

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