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3 Bumps

My 12 year old Niece was raped...

4 months ago and she just told recently a friend at school who went to the counselor at school... My sister called me to tell me this last night, she picked up her from school and brought her to grandma's cause she had to work ( waitress ) and then got sent home - she went back to pick her up and brought her home.. NOT talking to her about this.. said she didn't want to pressure her or make her talk... that she'd do it tomorrow.. i bawled ALL night, we have helped raise this child over the years - seeing my sister is not the "best" of parent... ugh.. so at 10am I called my sister, she stil hadn't talked to her, said my niece didn't "feel like it" so she didn't want to pressure her.. she was supposed to bring her to the police to file the report.. and didn't.. she text me later saying "I talked to her and told her you'd come pick her up and she said she felt more comfortable talking to you" Ok fine, great, she's always felt most comfortable with me and we talk about the things she can't talk to others about.. so I took her out and for the first time she opened up about what really happened. .. jesus.. what type of sicko rapes a child?? she said he was in his late 20's and maybe early 30's.. how do we support her yet not push her away ??

 
maxsmom11807

Asked by maxsmom11807 at 12:20 AM on Jan. 17, 2013 in General Parenting

Level 29 (40,703 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • so sad
    it happened months ago, so going to police does not have to happen this minute (agree with your sister)
    first a rape counselor, and they can suggest police
    you and sister (the mom) should be in some kind of therapy too- to get answers of how to handle things while not pushing her to talk and therefore pushing her away. bewst intentions difficult in an extreme situation like this
    and child not talking to mom about it and wanting to talk to you- sounds about right
    "she knows NOW that it was not her fault"- she says this but will not really believe it for a long time
    some rape counseling, maybe school or women's shelter will have number to call to set up appt (you might have to take her, as she feels better opening up to you rather than her mom)
    when the details come out- hope they can caught this sick fucker.

    hugs maxsmom
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 7:50 AM on Jan. 17, 2013

  • you leave it up to her to tell you what she is comfortable telling you
    you get her into a rape crisis type counseling and try to get her to tell the police.

    You make sure she knows that no matter what, she was not and is not to blame for it.
    luvmygrandbaby

    Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 12:27 AM on Jan. 17, 2013

  • Please get her to a rape crisis counselor for minors. Thank goodness she has someone to talk to about it (you). I was raped at 18 and didn't tell anyone until I was much older. I wish I had someone like you to turn to. You are an amazing person. Hugs to your niece. I'm so sorry he had to steal her innocence. Remind her rape is about power not about sex. Sex was just the tool he used against her for him to feel powerful.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 2:25 AM on Jan. 17, 2013

  • the guilt is tough to get over, she is young and was scared.
    she needs to write as much of it down as she can, she may remember things as she does that.

    I am sorry this happend to her!
    luvmygrandbaby

    Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 12:40 AM on Jan. 17, 2013

  • I was molested when I was about her age. The only reason it didn't turn into rape was because 1) he didn't want to break my hymen and make it obvious what had happened, and 2) I said something.

    At this point, get her into therapy so she can truly internalize that what happened to her was NOT her fault. Make sure she knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is still loved, and nothing has changed, relationship wise, between you all. Encourage her to find and outlet for the pain and shame she is feeling. Whether that's through dance, art, writing, or smashing the hell out of some old, unwanted china. Love her. Let her know you love her. If she's the protective type, and reluctant to talk, remind her that this sicko will do this to someone else. She has the power to stop it. If she's not the protective type, this will blow up in your face.

    Good luck. Poor baby. (((((HUGS)))))
    Rosehawk

    Answer by Rosehawk at 1:16 AM on Jan. 17, 2013

  • Hugs to you. I am glad you were able to be there, present and open, when your sister was having trouble coping. I'm also glad your sister was able to reach out to you and pull you in. Where traumatic experiences are concerned, the response to the traumatic event can be ameliorating (or not, as in the case of many people who did NOT receive an optimal response when they told.) So keep that in mind. What matters most (in terms of her ongoing emotional health, her healing, and whether or not she is "traumatized" by this traumatic event) is what happens now, in response.

    Please reach out to your own therapist (by phone if you don't have a session with her today or tomorrow), let her know this happened, and ask her for a recommended first/next step as far as where to turn (which professional to contact.) Her guidance will be reassuring. You have that established contact; this is a good time to make important use of it.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 8:39 AM on Jan. 17, 2013

  • I truly went over that soo much.. she's my first baby.. we have always had a close bond.. she does now know she is NOT to blame, then went right to, I know it's not my fault but I hate I waited so long to say anything because what if he did this to many other girls.. this poor child and the guilt guilt guilt..
    maxsmom11807

    Comment by maxsmom11807 (original poster) at 12:30 AM on Jan. 17, 2013

  • I answered before I read other posts. It's good that she realizes it's not her fault. I'd still strongly suggest getting her into some counseling though.

    I never got any, and I should have, and there are still days where I have to pretend that everything is ok when it's not. My dad failed me in this situation. One of the consequences is that I have never trusted him since.
    Rosehawk

    Answer by Rosehawk at 1:20 AM on Jan. 17, 2013

  • Research all the support you can find and let her know that these options are there in case she is interested in any. Definitely get her into some counseling. Sometimes you can get it for free through government programs for victims. Does she want to press charges? If so, she would need to write down as many details as she can remember and definitely do not let too much time pass. I also think a creative arts program would help provide her a safe place to express emotions that she might not be able to understand or express verbally. Karate classes might also be good to help her feel safe again and able to defend herself. Also buy her age-appropriate self-help books that help her understand what happened to her. Encourage her to journal. Perhaps consider home-schooling her until she feels comfortable again. If that happened to me, I would want to just curl up and avoid the world for a while.
    hellokittykat

    Answer by hellokittykat at 7:36 AM on Jan. 17, 2013

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