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Not a question, was just hoping for some others thoughts on this

I have a only child, 20, and in her jr yr at a college 90 mins from home. She has always been somewhat introverted, but has always has a small group of friends and seems to always have a boyfriend. Her high school bf lasted 4 yrs till she went to college. She decided to distance herself from her high school friends who were not the best friends with alot of peer pressue and back stabbing, etc. Freshman yr of college was hard for her making new friends and she came home alot. Sophomore year she had made friends with a group of 4 girls, went out to things and seemed to start enjoy college life although she missed her pets and home. She got a bf also, but he is a partier/drinker and her friends weren't. So there was tension between her friends and bf. So skip ahead to now... she lives with 2 of these girls and they are no longer personal friends, the other girl transferred, and one became a RA and made a whole new group of friends. She is still with her bf, but he lives in a house with 8 other guys and there is a party and constant drinking every night with lots of girls and guys there. I thought she might fall to the peer pressure and begin drinking etc. It seems she hasn't. She sees her bf a bit in the early evening and goes back to her apt alone. She is coming home almost every week-end. Am surprised the relationship with the bf keeps going. She does have one hometown friend she sees some. She said she misses her 16 yr old cat, the dog, and her own bed. She is almost 21 so I know this is her life and her life to figure out. I know this isn't a question, but I was just wondering if anyone has any input or have similiar daughters without alot of social life?

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Asked by Anonymous at 9:49 AM on Jan. 17, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (5)
  • I wouldn't be too concerned about her except for her hanging on to the drinking, partying boyfriend. It would seem that she would be able to figure out that he is not a good choice if she wants one day to be a married woman. Friendships often are only for a season, and that is not always a bad thing. Our daughter was not overly social, was a very good judge of character, and didn't marry until she was 31. She enjoyed her life while she was single and is now happily married with 2 little boys. For her, I think not having her life cluttered up with a lot of socializing was a good thing. She had friends at work and friends at church, but they didn't hang out together a lot after hours.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:59 AM on Jan. 17, 2013

  • I hope that her boyfriend will stop the party life after graduation. She'll be able to tell if he gets a job or sits around drinking.

    Answer by Bmat at 10:24 AM on Jan. 17, 2013

  • As far as the boyfriend, he probably is important to her for some reason. It's probably a matter of coming to terms with that & reflecting on it, and making personal decisions in light of it.
    If she's living with two of the girls from her group of close friends sophomore year, but is no longer "personal friends" with them (because of tension because of not liking her boyfriend?), that dynamic could contribute to her venturing home more often & seeming disconnected or not personally rooted at school. It is hard to share living space, and feel like you "inhabit" the place (more than just your bedroom), if you are not really comfortable there. That can cause a person to "retreat" & it's possible that's what she's doing. But a change in living situation may make "breathing" there more comfortable.
    (It may be just as well for those friends to grow apart if there is a lot of emotional leveraging. So it's not necessarily a big loss!)

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:36 AM on Jan. 17, 2013

  • I probably would reflect on how she seems to be doing with her program in school, if she seems (at this point in the process) to feel like she's in the right major, it she's struggling or if she mostly feels like it fits her abilities & interests, if she feels "stuck" or obligated because of choices she's made (not wanting to disappoint, etc.) Is she feeling like she's on the "right" path? She may tend to avoid--to feel trapped/stuck and then to cope by avoiding/escaping.
    It's hers to figure out (definitely!)
    But those are probably things I'd be noticing or considering, and trying to clarify my unconditional support in order to help her feel more free in figuring things out & taking action. (In case she perceived that she "had" to do one thing or another in order to please me/us, which is one thing that can factor into that perception of being stuck, and disengaging, because of not really feeling able to do anything about it.)

    Answer by girlwithC at 11:07 AM on Jan. 17, 2013

  • All you can do is trust that you've given her a solid foundation in which to fall. She will come out of her shell eventually or maybe not. That's okay, we're not all meant to be social butterflies. She'll see "Mr. Right Now" for what he is and out grow him. He's exciting becasue he a "bad boy".

    Answer by Jomasjc at 12:57 PM on Feb. 1, 2013

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