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My MIL died, she was 92, but now my DD is back to college and cannot attend either wake or funeral due to new job on campus. What to say to extended family?

She starts a new job on campus and is in intensive training this weekend and starts Monday, the day of the funeral. My DH was upset that she said couldn't get out of training on Sunday for the wake at least, but truth is, if she misses training she will be behind in everything and might even lose her job. This job is a fantastic and necessary opportunity for her. The experience will be key, and she will be saving to buy a car to commute next year. When I called her to see if she could miss the last training session, she began to cry and said, "I can't make these decisions!". My DH was pressuring me to find out her schedule, so that's when I called and she got upset. It is a job in computers.
What would you tell the relatives? (some of which we do not have a good relationship with) A few words to say that will diffuse the fact that even though her college is close by, she is unable to be there.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:29 AM on Jan. 19, 2013 in General Parenting

Answers (15)
  • Tell them the truth , if they don't like it to bad.
    funlovinlady

    Answer by funlovinlady at 9:32 AM on Jan. 19, 2013

  • I would tell them the truth, and then I'd tell them bluntly that she's feeling bad enough, and they do not need to add to her pain.

    Was she close to her grandmother?
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 9:39 AM on Jan. 19, 2013

  • The truth...
    charlotsomtimes

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 9:41 AM on Jan. 19, 2013

  • I agree with funlovin, but I'd also like to add that she (and maybe with yours and DH's help) can buy a flower arrangement to send to the funeral home.
    mommy_jules

    Answer by mommy_jules at 9:43 AM on Jan. 19, 2013

  • I would layout the truth but the true matter is that even inmates in jail get a pardon for a day to attend funeral sometimes.....I think any employer would see this as an exceptional event, and one day would not make all that much of a difference....some people can't deal with funeral services, and she might be one of them...
    older

    Answer by older at 9:44 AM on Jan. 19, 2013

  • wendy, not particularly, as my MIL was very religious and my DD is a feminist, so in a way, the relationship was respectful, but not real close. My MIL was extremely old fashioned and selfless to a fault. Had a hard time just letting people do things for her and also letting herself have fun for the sake of fun. Her church was/is very restrictive. No dancing, music, wearing makeup, jewelry, pants. Hair never cut and always in a bun! The church will not even allow pictures/collages at the wake or funeral. That said, I know my DD would come if she could.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:45 AM on Jan. 19, 2013

  • Forgot to mention only 2 floral arrangements allowed. Also, they are not allowed to watch television. My daughter is definitely someone who needs to be at the top of her game, and not at all outside of the loop because of missing something...trust me she is worrying what the family will say about her absence...
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:50 AM on Jan. 19, 2013

  • The truth. When someone is young and in college there are many situations that have to be done on a timeframe. If people cannot understand that then too bad.
    booklover545

    Answer by booklover545 at 10:12 AM on Jan. 19, 2013

  • Just tell the truth. Don't make excuses. Use the words "she felt," "she chose," "she believes," etc. There is no right or wrong involved in this, but a decision had to be made, and your daughter is the one who has to make it.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:12 AM on Jan. 19, 2013

  • I agree with the above, tell the truth. If she feels badly about missing, maybe she'll regretfully need to reconsider her priorities. In this case, her grandma may well have wanted her to stay with the job.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 10:15 AM on Jan. 19, 2013

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