Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

3 Bumps

I hate him. I hate that he still has so much power over my emotions.

I just have to vent for a minute. I normally take DD to visit my ex in jail every other week, because the lawyer he doesn't know I'm talking to says that will make me look even better in court (God, don't I already sound like a cultured lady?) We were supposed to go tomorrow.

DD has been pretty sick for almost 2 weeks now, first a stomach bug, then a sinus infection that's still made her throw up. Last night was the first night she's slept solid in that time period, & this morning was the first time she hasn't woken up, been sick, & had to have a bath. She's still pretty weak; about 10 minutes of playing & she ran out of steam & wanted snuggles.

Talking to the ex earlier, he still wants me to bring her to visit! It's a 2 1/2 hour drive both ways, which is hard on her anyway, & the high is in the 30s. Augh! "Just for an hour, I just want to see my girl" & I'm thinking, "Yes, Eddie, that makes perfect sense. Let me drag a barely-recovering 5 year old who hasn't kept down a tube feeding in a week, on a trip that will have her spending 5 hours in a cars eat, to see you for one."

What kills me is that my adrenaline started spiking & my stomach went into knots telling him no! He's been gone for almost a year, & my body is still afraid of upsetting him. & that I was stupid & proud enough to stay with him.

Sorry so long, it was either post or knock my head against a wall.


Asked by KA91 at 1:28 AM on Jan. 20, 2013 in Relationships

Level 25 (22,129 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (21)
  • I can't even imagine going through what you are facing. Your ex will have less and less power over your emotions as you get further away from what he put you through. The opposite of love is not hate; the opposite of love is indifference. You will know you are truly free of him when you feel indifferent to his actions, when what he says or does no longer knots up your stomach or sends your adrenaline pumping, though with a child to think of and his obvious selfishness, it's going to be hard. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers--and stick to your guns about not visiting till your daughter is strong enough and well enough to make the trip comfortably. You're a caring, dedicated mom, it's obvious from your post. Keep it up!

    Answer by Ballad at 1:58 AM on Jan. 20, 2013

  • I'm glad you're not taking her. Her health comes first.
    Why in the hell is your lawyer insisting on you taking her anyways? He fucked up so why do you have to pay the price!
    That's bull shit if you ask me.
    Don't allow him to upset you! By doing so, he wins! Don't give him any ounce of yourself! You don't owe him that!
    By being in prison he's already showed what a loser he is! HUGS!

    Answer by PMSMom10 at 1:44 AM on Jan. 20, 2013

  • No, not at all KA! The women you've met here and became friends with, genuinely care about you!

    Answer by PMSMom10 at 1:46 AM on Jan. 20, 2013

  • Love you!

    Answer by staciandababy at 1:39 AM on Jan. 20, 2013

  • You're such a sweetheart and an amazing mom! I hate seeing you go through this. :(

    Answer by PMSMom10 at 1:52 AM on Jan. 20, 2013

  • Love you too!

    Going to bed, try to get some rest. Do what I do when I'm stressed before bed, give all my problems to the powers that be and sleep well, then take my problems back when I wake up. :)

    Answer by PMSMom10 at 1:55 AM on Jan. 20, 2013

  • Best of luck to ya sweetie, and BYW, venting on here is way less painful then beating your head on the wall. And I agree with PMSmom. Although it is a good thing she doesn't live up to her handle! I also am with you, and the friends I have made on here. I had a mom message me tyo check up on how I was doing after I found I had pneumonia. That meant a lot to me for someone to take a few minutes out of day to write me. Lots of support in here...well most times anyway..:)

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 2:49 AM on Jan. 20, 2013

  • I don't know the ins and outs of the whole situation, but that baby girl will be your baby girl forever. He (from how it sounds) is temporary. And it sounds like a temporary inconvenience at that. Keep her home. The flu is so bad in some places that they will not even let you in if anyone is showing symptoms. Tell him she spiked a fever overnight and is too sick. He'll never know, and it won't hurt anyone in the grand scheme of things. Let her draw a few extra pictures or make macaroni art for his next visit if she's feeling better.
    I'm split from my abusive alcoholic ex for almost 15 years and when he calls I still have anxiety picking up the phone. All you can do is do the best you can for your kids and when they are old enough they'll see the light for themselves. And they'll thank you for it.

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 3:55 AM on Jan. 20, 2013

  • Awww honey,is this the daughter with CP as well?
    No,I would not be taking her AT ALL. His ass is in jail. He doesn't deserve to see her
    I've always been torn on taking kids to see parents in jail/prison
    You take care of that baby's needs. Forget him!
    Anyone that expects you to take her there,is nuts

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 9:26 AM on Jan. 20, 2013

  • I get the lawyer's point - it's the same reason why I gave my ex twice a month supervised visits "if" he got out of jail (which he unfortunately did) in our divorce settlement agreement: it's a manipulation tactic, ladies, I admit, but it works. It shows the judge you're not only reasonable - but you'll be GENEROUS. You'll go above and beyond to make sure the ex and the kid have a relationship, even though ex is a major fuck up. The judge sees that and thinks "wow, she really will do whatever is necessary if it's best for her kids" and will be much more likely to grant you sole custody, supervised visits, pretty much whatever you ask.

    With that said, do remember that you are being generous here. Although I gave my ex the supervised visits when he got out of jail, I never once took my kids to jail to see him. And whether he admits it or not, your ex knows that you don't HAVE to do this and (con't in next post)

    Answer by wendythewriter at 9:37 AM on Jan. 20, 2013