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3 Bumps

Would you tell the truth

If your kids asked if you like so and so. My son asked if I like one of my family members. I said no I dont. However I am polite to them. My hubby was mad at me for telling the truth,

My kids are 10. They dont spread anything around to other people. I do the same with them. Whatever they say stays with me. 

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BOOGIETHEBOOG

Asked by BOOGIETHEBOOG at 10:57 AM on Jan. 24, 2013 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 12 (801 Credits)
Answers (25)
  • It would also depend on what kind of child you have, One that would go running to Grandma saying Mom doesn't like you? That could open up a can of worms, I think it would require an explanation, not just a yes or no, and as baconbits said being polite to a family member you don't care for is a good lesson.
    jerseydiva

    Answer by jerseydiva at 11:11 AM on Jan. 24, 2013

  • My approach to anything with my children was this: You never have to "like" someone, but you should "respect" them. It worked. I actually had school teachers compliment me on how my kids acted. They never disrespected a teacher or another student.
    m-avi

    Answer by m-avi at 11:25 AM on Jan. 24, 2013

  • yup, and the family memeber is aware that I do not like them so if there is talk they already know why
    luvmygrandbaby

    Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 11:39 AM on Jan. 24, 2013

  • I wouldn't outright lie, but it's possible to answer a kid and be truthful without giving the whole truth. I really don't think its appropriate to lay out all the reasons why you don't like something when you're speaking to a child. They don't need all those details.
    Ginger0104

    Answer by Ginger0104 at 12:18 PM on Jan. 24, 2013

  • I think it's important for kids to learn that not everybody likes each other, and that's okay. At the same time, they need to learn that just because they don't like somebody, that doesn't give them the right to be mean or talk behind that person's back. If kids are taught how to properly interact with those they don't particularly care for, they're more likely to become grown-ups who treat everyone with respect, whether they get along or not. My daughter is four, and there's a girl at school she doesn't like much. I teach her to stay away from the girl, but to be pleasant if they happen to cross paths. As for a family member, I'd keep the answer as simple as possible. Don't lie, but don't go into detail, either. "No, I don't get along with Aunt Mildred very well. But I'm polite to her, and I expect you to be polite, too. It's okay to not like everybody, and it's okay if not everybody likes you."
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 12:26 PM on Jan. 24, 2013

  • If my child asked me something like that, it could mean that she is testing the waters & has her own feeling/response to the person in question, and wants to "check out" if being honest & open is "okay" in this situation. Or it could mean that she has noticed something and this (me "not liking" this particular family member) could explain it for her. In either case, "closing" the subject by claiming to like the family member would leave an important issue hanging....the child could feel less able to disclose complicated & potentially troubling feelings or ambivalence about the family member, or she could be left with a felt discrepancy between the way things ARE & the way I SAY they are.
    I think it is okay & safe (plus, preferable) to tell the truth. Including in the "stickier" situations. People can deal with the truth; they're already living it, explicit or not. But I do think it's important to support children when talking.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:14 PM on Jan. 24, 2013

  • Yes, I always tell my kids the truth.
    JulieJacobKyle

    Answer by JulieJacobKyle at 1:15 PM on Jan. 24, 2013

  • So yeah, I would choose my words carefully and be sure to "show up" for the conversation, alert to what is going on for my kiddo.
    And the husband's reaction makes sense, too. I'd be receptive to those upset feelings & hopefully would be able to "show up" for that interaction, too. It's pretty typical to go right to blaming or fault-finding when feeling some sort of distress or discomfort. That is unfortunate because it often triggers defensiveness in the person who feels attacked, and an argument about who's right & who's wrong takes shape. When the real issue is the feelings that the situation stimulated (in the husband.)
    His upset feelings are valid. That doesn't mean his strategy (of putting the fault on you as the "cause" of his upset) is true or valid, but the discomfort driving this strategy IS valid! Fear is generally behind those kinds of reactions. Fear of "what could happen" can indicate rigid beliefs about safety.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:26 PM on Jan. 24, 2013

  • Such as the need to avoid situations in order to stay safe. That "need" (the unconscious/unexamined belief that the way to stay "safe" is to make sure to avoid potential issues, because the prospect of DEALING with those issues is less certain & can provoke anxiety--"what would I do/say/handle it if I had to deal with----?") can trigger big reactions whenever someone "puts you in the position" of maybe having to deal with something that could have been avoidable.
    Maybe he wanted the child to have a sense that everything is as it seems (when people behave cordially, it's because they FEEL like it or LIKE the other person) and the thought of "disillusioning" the child is painful to him. But instead of connecting to that & simply seeing it for what it is (realizing it's OK), he gets mad. Or maybe he fears some kind of misconception about two-facedness, that it could lead to duplicitousness or a sense that it's okay to be fake.Etc
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:36 PM on Jan. 24, 2013

  • No reason to lie. But it depends on how old the kid is. Some kids at certain ages do not understand. And will go the that person and say. My mom does not like you. Will start drama.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 2:13 PM on Jan. 24, 2013

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