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3 Bumps

Would you tell the truth

If your kids asked if you like so and so. My son asked if I like one of my family members. I said no I dont. However I am polite to them. My hubby was mad at me for telling the truth,

My kids are 10. They dont spread anything around to other people. I do the same with them. Whatever they say stays with me. 

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Asked by BOOGIETHEBOOG at 10:57 AM on Jan. 24, 2013 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 12 (820 Credits)
Answers (25)
  • I wouldn't say that I don't like someone, but I wouldn't say "Of course I like them" either. It would be more like "We never really seemed to click" and then use that opportunity to talk about how not everyone is going to like everyone else, but as long as you treat people how you would like to be treated, it is okay.

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 11:47 PM on Feb. 17, 2013

  • I would have dodged the question with "they are family" and shrugged. I don;t think children need that kind of input from me JMO
    I will listen to what they have to say and agree or disagree.

    Answer by Dardenella at 11:45 PM on Feb. 17, 2013

  • Yes, I really try not to lie to my children. But I'd make sure they know that they don't just go spreading stuff around -- because then others might get upset. My kids have big mouths though, since I really try not to tell them what they CAN and CANNOT tell people. If I don't want them to repeat what I say, most of the time, I just don't say it in front of them.

    Answer by Blubuni99 at 11:38 PM on Feb. 17, 2013

  • Maybe it depends on the situation. However, any information would be age appropriate.

    Answer by booklover545 at 7:07 PM on Feb. 5, 2013

  • I tell the truth my kids are too smart.

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 12:55 AM on Jan. 25, 2013

  • No reason to lie. But it depends on how old the kid is. Some kids at certain ages do not understand. And will go the that person and say. My mom does not like you. Will start drama.

    Answer by louise2 at 2:13 PM on Jan. 24, 2013

  • Such as the need to avoid situations in order to stay safe. That "need" (the unconscious/unexamined belief that the way to stay "safe" is to make sure to avoid potential issues, because the prospect of DEALING with those issues is less certain & can provoke anxiety--"what would I do/say/handle it if I had to deal with----?") can trigger big reactions whenever someone "puts you in the position" of maybe having to deal with something that could have been avoidable.
    Maybe he wanted the child to have a sense that everything is as it seems (when people behave cordially, it's because they FEEL like it or LIKE the other person) and the thought of "disillusioning" the child is painful to him. But instead of connecting to that & simply seeing it for what it is (realizing it's OK), he gets mad. Or maybe he fears some kind of misconception about two-facedness, that it could lead to duplicitousness or a sense that it's okay to be fake.Etc

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:36 PM on Jan. 24, 2013

  • So yeah, I would choose my words carefully and be sure to "show up" for the conversation, alert to what is going on for my kiddo.
    And the husband's reaction makes sense, too. I'd be receptive to those upset feelings & hopefully would be able to "show up" for that interaction, too. It's pretty typical to go right to blaming or fault-finding when feeling some sort of distress or discomfort. That is unfortunate because it often triggers defensiveness in the person who feels attacked, and an argument about who's right & who's wrong takes shape. When the real issue is the feelings that the situation stimulated (in the husband.)
    His upset feelings are valid. That doesn't mean his strategy (of putting the fault on you as the "cause" of his upset) is true or valid, but the discomfort driving this strategy IS valid! Fear is generally behind those kinds of reactions. Fear of "what could happen" can indicate rigid beliefs about safety.

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:26 PM on Jan. 24, 2013

  • Yes, I always tell my kids the truth.

    Answer by JulieJacobKyle at 1:15 PM on Jan. 24, 2013

  • If my child asked me something like that, it could mean that she is testing the waters & has her own feeling/response to the person in question, and wants to "check out" if being honest & open is "okay" in this situation. Or it could mean that she has noticed something and this (me "not liking" this particular family member) could explain it for her. In either case, "closing" the subject by claiming to like the family member would leave an important issue hanging....the child could feel less able to disclose complicated & potentially troubling feelings or ambivalence about the family member, or she could be left with a felt discrepancy between the way things ARE & the way I SAY they are.
    I think it is okay & safe (plus, preferable) to tell the truth. Including in the "stickier" situations. People can deal with the truth; they're already living it, explicit or not. But I do think it's important to support children when talking.

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:14 PM on Jan. 24, 2013

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