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How can a Dad regain trust in his daughter?

I have a 14 y/o stepdaughter who I have completely lost all trust in. She lies, is sneaky, has gotten arrested for shoplifting (8th grade) and just recently got caught smoking pot at another school. I also found pot, papers, lighter, body spray and a condom in her bag. My husband really doesn't know what to do anymore. He has taken all electronics away, has had her delete all social media on her computer. I have pretty much stopped talking to her because I simply don't trust her. She does see a counselor. There is a lot more to this than I have room for. It seems to me there is a total lack of respect for her father, myself and authority for that matter, herself too. She really doesn't seem to have remorse about any wrong doings she does. She has created this and I don't think I will ever trust her again, but how can her father regain trust in her? Any comments or suggestions?

Answer Question
 
A.Muir

Asked by A.Muir at 6:51 PM on Jan. 24, 2013 in Teens (13-17)

Level 2 (7 Credits)
Answers (20)
  • He can't unless she earns it, and it doesn't sound like she's even trying to do that.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 6:53 PM on Jan. 24, 2013

  • 1) having her delete her social media was probably not a successful choice. She will simply create a new account and now you have no way to monitor it. You may have taken her computer but not her friends.
    2)regaining trust has to be something she wants. She can't gain trust back if she doesn't care if he trust her or not.

    I would consider looking into an inpatient program to help her while you still can. Once she is an adult you no longer have that option.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:54 PM on Jan. 24, 2013

  • Well by not talking to her you have essentially cut off all lines of communication so you're not even allowing her to earn any trust back.
    KristiS11384

    Answer by KristiS11384 at 6:56 PM on Jan. 24, 2013

  • Can dad join in on some of the counseling sessions? It will take time, lots of time. And of course, lots of effort on her part. If that were my child, she would have no outlet except school, chores & sleeping until she earned her privileges back. It's a tough age - GL

    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 6:58 PM on Jan. 24, 2013

  • I have to agree with Kristi on this. The times that it's hardest to communicate are the times when everyone needs it the most, in my experience.

    I think you should be in counseling/therapy with her. There is something causing this behavior......what is it? Until you can ALL figure that out, nothing is going to change.
    Mrs_Prissy

    Answer by Mrs_Prissy at 6:58 PM on Jan. 24, 2013

  • She has to want to change for the better. If she doesn't. He will never trust her.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 6:59 PM on Jan. 24, 2013

  • I agree with all of the above. Especially the anon who mentioned an inpatient program for counseling and help. It sounds like she needs help now. You need to talk to her and try to get to the bottom of her problem- why it all started. Whether it is a chemical imbalance or something that has happened that you know nothing about... the rot has to be found before you can really help her. A 24/7 or at least all day program may be what you need to do that. As long as you can't trust her and you communication is not as it should be at home you are not going to be able to help her at home.
    But_Mommie

    Answer by But_Mommie at 7:01 PM on Jan. 24, 2013

  • You NEED family counseling.... ASAP!!!

    As someone working in High Schools for 12+ years I also STRONGLY agree with this too ---> 1) having her delete her social media was probably not a successful choice. She will simply create a new account and now you have no way to monitor it. You may have taken her computer but not her friends.
    Crafty26

    Answer by Crafty26 at 7:06 PM on Jan. 24, 2013

  • "delete all social media on HER computer"

    Anyone else see the problem with this??
    TAKE the computer. She can have it for homework, in a common area of the house for as long as homework takes, and then it goes away again.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 7:08 PM on Jan. 24, 2013

  • "delete all social media on HER computer"

    Anyone else see the problem with this??

    Yes... deleting it keeps you from accessing her accounts and viewing her friends activities. You're better off to leave it as is, kept her PW info so you can sign in and check what is being said at any time... AS WELL AS limiting her screen time!!
    Crafty26

    Answer by Crafty26 at 7:34 PM on Jan. 24, 2013

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