You know those questions that we always ask ourselves as parents?

I had a dream(obviously no basis in reality since my daughter is 2 months) last night that my daughter came to me and told me that she wanted to be a Muslim and chosen not just to wear the hijab(the headscarf) but the full niqab(face covering). I woke up so up so I didn't get to see how dream self took it. I do worry about how my daughter might be looked at or persecuted in our small community as a niqab wearing Muslim woman.

I know that we all have our own comfort levels but it seems like in this day and age we all have to ask ourselves: What if my child was a different religion then me?(This isn't common in my community FYI.)
I mean not just like the family is Methodist and your son is Baptist but I mean like he decides he's Baha'i or orthodox Jewish or Muslim or heck Pagan? How would you feel if your daughter came to you and said she wanted to wear a niqab?

I guess I'm just curious as to what everybodies comfort level is? I mean they are always your child nothing will change that but how do you feel about it?

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Asked by lizziebreath at 11:15 PM on Jan. 25, 2013 in General Parenting

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I'm Atheist. I don't care what my kids decide to be religiously as long as they don't join the WBC. (Unless they were joining to cause it to self destruct from the inside, I could get on board with that)

Answer by KristiS11384 at 11:22 PM on Jan. 25, 2013
Credits: 190735 Level 45 General Parenting Minor

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To be honest, I'd be a little shocked if my oldest wanted to wear a niqab. But only becauseshe has shown no signs of wanting to stick with any Abrahamic type religions. However, if she really did want to wear it and she was truly devoted to Islam, then I would be happy that she found something that made her happy. That goes for any of my kids. The oldest has already told me that she isn't Christian, and since I'm not anymore, I sure as heck don't care. The other kids haven't said much either way, but whatever they decide I'll be happy if they are truly happy.

Answer by anime_mom619 at 11:28 PM on Jan. 25, 2013
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@KristiS11384 Yeah I think that would cause me some real issues if they joined an anti-gay hate group that calls itself a church.

Comment by lizziebreath (original poster) at 11:30 PM on Jan. 25, 2013
Credits: 6544 Level 19 General Parenting Minor
The closest thing I can compare this to is when my brother came out as gay. I told him that I loved him and that nothing he ever did, said, or turned out to be would change that. I didn't have a problem at all with his sexual orientation. But I said we live in a mean, hateful world, and I feared for what might happen to him. He came out not long after Matthew Shepard, a gay man in Wyoming, was hung up on a chain link fence and beaten to death. I told my brother he needed to either learn self defense or not act in a way that made him an obvious target as a gay man. It shouldn't have to be that way, but it is. I wouldn't care what religion my child decided to be, but I would be sorry if that meant she had to open herself up for the violence and discrimination of the ignorant. I know how it feels to be treated unfairly and unkindly because of a disability; I don't wish that on anyone because of religion or anything else.

Answer by Ballad at 11:38 PM on Jan. 25, 2013
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Personally I'm more comfortable with them being any religion then nothing but as long as people can be civil at Christmas, it's is a real problem with atheists in my Husband's family but I do know some very nice ones. I worry a bit about religious discrimination though.

Comment by lizziebreath (original poster) at 11:38 PM on Jan. 25, 2013
Credits: 6544 Level 19 General Parenting Minor
@Ballad Yeah I know of entirely too many people being beaten for being something unpopular or even just something that some random person doesn't like, I'm in BYU country and we've had a few people almost beaten to death for being Mormons.

I thought of a plus though to if any of my kids decide to become a Muslim. BYU actually a large population, their parents like it because the honor code won't let them drink or have sex and makes them go to mosque.

Comment by lizziebreath (original poster) at 11:49 PM on Jan. 25, 2013
Credits: 6544 Level 19 General Parenting Minor
My autistic son, who is very gullible was brain washed by a group of fanatical evangelical kids at his high school. He has no friends, so they would sit with him at lunch and indoctrinate him.They gave him a book (that my son gave to me to read because he was trying to convert me.) that said he should be willing to die for God, and that he must shun his family if they do not become true believers. And that was in the first few pages of the book. I stopped reading and INSTANTLY called the "church" and said my son did not have my permission to attend their "church", Before I read the book I was letting him go to the "church". It was REALLY rough for awhile, but eventually he seemed to drift away from the crazy talk. I'm assuming his new "friends" stopped spending time with him when I stepped in and wouldn't allow him to participate in their insanity.

Answer by musicmaker at 1:47 AM on Jan. 26, 2013
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I think how you feel in response to that kind of news depends on what associations you have with what your child is choosing, and what expectations you have of your child (i.e., what conditions you hold, how clearly you see the child as a separate & autonomous person rather than an extension of yourself.)

If you have a lot of negative associations, or if fear (for your child's safety, autonomy, etc.) is triggered, then you are going to experience some distress & upset at the news. And if you are highly enmeshed emotionally, without clear and conscious boundaries and explicit clarity (about your child's autonomy & freedom as an individual) in your own mind, you are more likely to feel upset about "wrong" choices & also more likely to use your displeasure as emotional leverage in order to influence or control the child's choices.

Answer by girlwithC at 8:40 AM on Jan. 26, 2013
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I think the question (as a healthy exercise) extends to "What if my child is different from me in some meaningful/triggering/challenging way, or chooses differently than I want him/her to? What if my child makes important choices that scare, upset or disappoint me?"

I think these kinds of thoughts bring up the issue of control, which is a healthy topic to engage. And I think it's healthy to (kind of vicariously, since it's a mental/emotional exercise) engage the feelings & impulses that come up in response to certain thoughts/scenarios, and to reflect on them honestly--to feel the pull or impulse to exert control, and reflect on that. This lets us make choices or value judgments & grow.

Increasing our own tolerance for our strong feelings is part of maturing emotionally & becoming mindful parents.

To me those moments are an exercise in identifying my own fears & intentionally recognizing my children's personal sovereignty.

Answer by girlwithC at 8:59 AM on Jan. 26, 2013
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I would support my child in no matter what they decided they wanted to be or what they want to wear.

Answer by Im-HiDdEn at 3:16 AM on Feb. 2, 2013
Credits: 4971 Level 18 General Parenting Minor

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