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A stranger at dd's bday?

My mother is coming from out of state to be here for dd's birthday. Its tomorrow and we are having a small thing (grandpa, both grandmas, mommy and daddy). SO's mother and father actually won't be coming with us to the outing so it will just be dd and us three... or was supposed to be. The actual party won't be until next weekend. I just found out that my mother is giving a friend of a friend, whom none of us have ever met, a ride to the eastern shore. Now we have to provide a place to stay for a stranger and I think she is expecting that he will come along with us on dd's birthday. I don't know if I really feel comfortable with this. The actual party, where there will be lots of people (friends and family who sometimes bring their own friends), I'd say ok, but her actual birthday is supposed to be immediate family only. I don't even know this person. dd certainly doesn't know him. I'm not even sure how well my mother knows him. The intimacy is supposed to be part of what makes this special... but even if I don't let him come, if I'm the rude party pooper, what is he supposed to do? Stay in my house all day by himself? I wish someone would have told me this before now...

Your thoughts? What would you do or say?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 9:46 AM on Jan. 27, 2013 in General Parenting

Answers (8)
  • Firstly, it isn't your responsability to give a friend of a friend of your mother's a place to stay. She took on the responsability, not you.

    Secondly, just be blunt. Tell her that it's for immediate family only and that's all there is about it. Don't waffle. Don't negotiate. Just say no.

    You are NOT being rude - your mother is if she decides to impose him on you. I wouldn't even put him up for the night. You don't know who he is nor what he can do. You have children to think of. Tell your mother that he needs to get a hotel for the night. End of story.

    Stick to your guns!

    Answer by winterglow at 9:52 AM on Jan. 27, 2013

  • Giving them.a ride would imply that they had somewhere else to stay and other plans. What she is doing is bringing them on a long weekend / vacation. It's pretty rude to bing people without asking first. Of course you don't want some stranger hanging in our house all day by themselves. It sounds like your options are to tell her not to come, or not to bring her friend, or you can leave them both at home all day and make the special outing just the three if you.

    Answer by QuinnMae at 10:00 AM on Jan. 27, 2013

  • It would be the courteous thing to do to accommodate this friend. Give him a comfortable place to stay and treat him like family. He will be grateful and you will be satisfied knowing that you have done the right thing.

    Answer by Bmat at 10:18 AM on Jan. 27, 2013

  • I totally agree with winterglow. First, are you sure you are expected to house this stranger and invite him to the party? If right now it's just implied but not explicitly said, I would up and ask. If you know that she's expecting this, I would try to be polite but quite blunt and clear about it. No this stranger can't come to the party and no he can't just hang out at our house while we are out. Don't worry about being a rude host - it's incredibly rude of them to expect this in the first place!

    Answer by Sebbiemama at 10:19 AM on Jan. 27, 2013

  • Well you don't have to invite him to the party or into your home. Sure it would be polite, but it's not necessary. You know he's coming so you can offer to book a nice hotel room and give him a list of the must see sites in your area. Even if you don't know him your mom obviously does enough to feel comfortable driving him across country. Does your mom have questionable judgement? While it is rude of her to bring a plus one along you should be able to discuss things like this with her. Preferably BEFORE she arrives so there's no bad blood. Speak up or play nice.

    Answer by 2autisticsmom at 11:07 AM on Jan. 27, 2013

  • I think it would depend on how much you trust your mom. I wouldn't worry about him coming to the party as much as I would him staying in my house with my children. Can you tell your mom she has to share a space with this guest and see what she says? I dont think its your responsibility to host this person but on the other hand I understand not wanting to be rude. Tough situation!

    Answer by maecntpntz219 at 12:21 PM on Jan. 27, 2013

  • Where is this person ultimately headed for on the eastern shore? Maybe he won't want to stop? How well does youir mom know him? Is he a vague aquaintance or is it possible that he's her latest squeeze and she doesn't want to admit to it yet? Has she asked you to take him in like one of the family? Have you told her she'd be sharing a room with him (I suppose you don't have a plethora of spare rooms)? I sure wouldn't want to have a stranger alone in my home ... Maybe her friend (whose friend he is) twisted her arm to take him with her and she couldn't get out of it?

    It's one thing a grown woman being comfortable with him, it's another when it comes to having a complete stranger (who is only a vague aquaintance of my mom) staying in my home and being around my children 24h a day.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:53 AM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • I would tell my mother that I did not feel comfortable and express your feelings and let your voice be heard.

    Answer by Im-HiDdEn at 3:10 AM on Feb. 2, 2013

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