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3 Bumps

I love him but don't like living with that terrible for a mom to say? :(

My 21 y/o is seriously testing my patience to the limit. It feels like he is just using us. He's only given us $50 toward rent since moving back home 3 months ago. He is just starting a new job & is back in school, so that's great. He seems to have $ to do the things he wants, but not to contribute to the household/groceries. He lives like a slob & only grudgingly picks up when asked/nagged to do so. I'm the only parent he has left (dad died 3 yrs ago) & I'd hate to undo the good he's accomplished with school, but I'm not sure how much longer I can live this way. I feel like a bad mom for wanting to boot this bird from the nest. But life was much less stressful when he was out of the house for those 10 mos. Any suggestions?


Asked by mrsmom110 at 11:54 AM on Jan. 28, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 48 (285,172 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (20)
  • No you are not a bad mom. He could be a more considerate son. Let him know how you feel, and that if he wants to live there he needs to follow your rules and respect your home otherwise, time to find his own place where he can live the way he wants.

    I've been through this and understand the guilt and frustration. Big hugs mama.

    Answer by ohwrite at 11:59 AM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • I cannot live with either of my two adult kids, especially my son. He's just like yours,lol. Don't feel bad for wanting a stress free home. We work hard and our home is our haven. You need to give him a move out date and stick with it. Let him be someone else's roommate.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:43 PM on Feb. 21, 2013

  • You have done all you need to to earn your "Good Mom" badge. In the long run it will be a kindness to make him grown up and move out on his own. It is the only way he will learn to be independent which is really what we need to teach our children.

    Answer by Thegeish at 1:36 PM on Feb. 11, 2013

  • You are absolutely not a bad mother. Having you doubt your self as a good parent is a form of control and abuse kids like to use to get their way. Be strong and do him and you a favor...make him accountable! Doing so is a gift to him and he will realize it only when he has kids of is own. Ladies, how many grown men have you met who's mommies never made them grow up? Now the grown Peter Pan is your husband or boyfriend!

    Answer by Jomasjc at 7:36 AM on Feb. 1, 2013

  • If you DO want to "boot that bird from the nest," that is fully OK too. Let him know what you want & work out a plan/timeline that lets him get a new course of action arranged. That certainly could be for the best. But if the present arrangement (him living at home while going to school) would work for you, assuming more considerate behaviors & contributions to the home, why not address the issue rather than assuming that the EXISTENCE of the issue means living together "doesn't work" or makes booting him out necessary?

    My thought is that this simply is a conflict. You can manage it like any conflict, and collaborate on coming up with solutions.

    If you know that he is immature, then expect some balking as he encounters your personal limits & reactions to his default preferences. If you tolerate his feelings but hold your limits, you may find that he finds some internal resolution & makes choices to adapt & respond!

    Answer by girlwithC at 8:54 AM on Jan. 29, 2013

  • I'm glad that things are going well for/with him in some important ways. I know that much is relieving or encouraging.
    What you are expressing doesn't sound like a terrible thing for a mom to say, to me. My suggestion is that you respond to these feelings of frustration & resentment by owning them & communicating openly, and warmly. You love him, so just let him know what your issues are.
    It doesn't sound like you absolutely want him out, so approach it as a chance to address things that aren't working so well, a chance to respond constructively to the signals of your feelings (I believe frustration & resentment/annoyance are signals that you are overextending your personal limits. It's a signal that you've taken over responsibility that isn't yours, and then are feeling resentful & upset.) If you do this without blaming or fault-finding, just sharing what you don't/won't accept, that helps him respond (vs. react.)

    Answer by girlwithC at 8:46 AM on Jan. 29, 2013

  • I agree with missanc, wrtie up a lease type of thing, he doesn't realize that things are not "free" Just write him up and if he violates it 3 strikes your out kind of thing.

    Answer by jerseydiva at 1:06 PM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • Sit down with him and have a heart to heart as adults. Let him know that you're proud of him for going back to school and getting a new job. Let him know you'll be there for him, but... that he has to help you out too. If he is expected to pay rent, then a contract or lease wouldn't hurt, and it would keep him responsible. In addition to that, let him know what you expect from him while he is living at home. Tell him you understand that life can get busy with school and work, but that he is expected to help you out by keeping things picked up. Try to let him know that you're talking to him adult to adult and that these are things you'd expect from any adult living with you.

    Answer by anime_mom619 at 12:56 PM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • It's your house. You have the right to lay down some ground rules--I expect this much in rent each month, you will pick up after yourself with no nagging because you are an adult--and to ask your son to find another place to live if he can't abide by the rules. The more leeway you give him, the more he'll take. You have the right not to be miserable in your own home. Good luck.

    Answer by Ballad at 12:50 PM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • Wy don't you have him pay a bill and give you money for groceries. That would make me happy. He is in school and working, I wouldn't expect my kid not to go out and have fun. Just decide what you want from him.

    Answer by skinnyslokita at 12:41 PM on Jan. 28, 2013