Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

3 Bumps

I love him but don't like living with that terrible for a mom to say? :(

My 21 y/o is seriously testing my patience to the limit. It feels like he is just using us. He's only given us $50 toward rent since moving back home 3 months ago. He is just starting a new job & is back in school, so that's great. He seems to have $ to do the things he wants, but not to contribute to the household/groceries. He lives like a slob & only grudgingly picks up when asked/nagged to do so. I'm the only parent he has left (dad died 3 yrs ago) & I'd hate to undo the good he's accomplished with school, but I'm not sure how much longer I can live this way. I feel like a bad mom for wanting to boot this bird from the nest. But life was much less stressful when he was out of the house for those 10 mos. Any suggestions?


Asked by mrsmom110 at 11:54 AM on Jan. 28, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 48 (285,071 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (20)
  • No you are not a bad mom. He could be a more considerate son. Let him know how you feel, and that if he wants to live there he needs to follow your rules and respect your home otherwise, time to find his own place where he can live the way he wants.

    I've been through this and understand the guilt and frustration. Big hugs mama.

    Answer by ohwrite at 11:59 AM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • Tell him straight up, you shape up or ship out. Give him a move out date and stick to it.

    Answer by funlovinlady at 11:55 AM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • Boot him. Or at least tell him he better start looking elsewhere unless he changes his ways. He's not a "kid" anymore. He's an adult and needs to start acting like one.

    Answer by KristiS11384 at 11:56 AM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • lay the law down, he may be an adult but he is living with his parents. Set rules for him and a chore list. If he doesnt like it tell him to get out.

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 11:58 AM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • I would sit down and specifically write out a "contract" of what you want him to do (laundry, increase in rent, etc), and consequences (him moving out) if he doesn't follow it. Sounds like he needs to grow up, but may need some specific direction.

    Answer by missanc at 11:58 AM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • nope, not a bad mom at all
    give him a written list of what you expect with a notice at bottom that serves as notice as well.

    Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 12:01 PM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • lay down the law... tell him he is an adult and you expect him to start acting like one.
    He's welcome to stay, but here are the rules
    1) every pay check you earn you need to pay $xxx.xx off the top to me to pay for rent, utilities, and your food I buy for you
    2) you are to keep a neat and tidy room and pick up after yourself around the house - if I have to ask you to do it, you're time here will be very limited
    3) you are to help out with the chores around here. This goes hand in hand with picking up after yourself.
    4) etc, etc.... add in what you want

    Sit down with him with a written "contract" and have him go over it with you and sign it. If he doesn't cooperate, you have to kick him out. If he doesn't follow the contract once signed, have a part about a 30 day notice in the contract, give him notice to find a new place and STICK TO IT!
    This doesn't mean you love him any less, you are actually doing him more good than not

    Answer by daylily888 at 12:04 PM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • Shoot he's an adult and living with you and supposed to be paying rent. Write out a lease.

    Answer by KristiS11384 at 12:07 PM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • Sounds like it's time for some tough love. By letting him behave this way, you are allowing him to disrespect you and your home. He can either get on board with the way you want things to be, or he can find his own way in the world.

    Answer by hootie826 at 12:13 PM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • You are Not a bad Mother. In this case you are not helping him move on and in the process hurting yourself. You have done it before you can do it again, all his life you helped him move to the next level, as in growing up, this is the hardest one letting go, but very necessary and you can do it and he will be fine, with time so will you MrsMom110 . Hugs!!

    Answer by sunshine196 at 12:20 PM on Jan. 28, 2013