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3 Bumps

I love him but don't like living with him....is that terrible for a mom to say? :(

My 21 y/o is seriously testing my patience to the limit. It feels like he is just using us. He's only given us $50 toward rent since moving back home 3 months ago. He is just starting a new job & is back in school, so that's great. He seems to have $ to do the things he wants, but not to contribute to the household/groceries. He lives like a slob & only grudgingly picks up when asked/nagged to do so. I'm the only parent he has left (dad died 3 yrs ago) & I'd hate to undo the good he's accomplished with school, but I'm not sure how much longer I can live this way. I feel like a bad mom for wanting to boot this bird from the nest. But life was much less stressful when he was out of the house for those 10 mos. Any suggestions?

 
mrsmom110

Asked by mrsmom110 at 11:54 AM on Jan. 28, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 47 (254,377 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (20)
  • No you are not a bad mom. He could be a more considerate son. Let him know how you feel, and that if he wants to live there he needs to follow your rules and respect your home otherwise, time to find his own place where he can live the way he wants.

    I've been through this and understand the guilt and frustration. Big hugs mama.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 11:59 AM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • Tell him straight up, you shape up or ship out. Give him a move out date and stick to it.
    funlovinlady

    Answer by funlovinlady at 11:55 AM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • nope, not a bad mom at all
    give him a written list of what you expect with a notice at bottom that serves as notice as well.
    luvmygrandbaby

    Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 12:01 PM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • You are not a bad mom at all, but these laying down of rules should have been done long before it got to this.....maybe then this problem would not now exist.....but it is never too late to set down the rules, setting sown rules he probably does not like will more than likely want to spread his wings and fly so he can do it his way, think of it as a nudge!
    older

    Answer by older at 12:25 PM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • I agree with missanc, wrtie up a lease type of thing, he doesn't realize that things are not "free" Just write him up and if he violates it 3 strikes your out kind of thing.
    jerseydiva

    Answer by jerseydiva at 1:06 PM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • Boot him. Or at least tell him he better start looking elsewhere unless he changes his ways. He's not a "kid" anymore. He's an adult and needs to start acting like one.
    KristiS11384

    Answer by KristiS11384 at 11:56 AM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • I would sit down and specifically write out a "contract" of what you want him to do (laundry, increase in rent, etc), and consequences (him moving out) if he doesn't follow it. Sounds like he needs to grow up, but may need some specific direction.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 11:58 AM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • It's your house. You have the right to lay down some ground rules--I expect this much in rent each month, you will pick up after yourself with no nagging because you are an adult--and to ask your son to find another place to live if he can't abide by the rules. The more leeway you give him, the more he'll take. You have the right not to be miserable in your own home. Good luck.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 12:50 PM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • Sit down with him and have a heart to heart as adults. Let him know that you're proud of him for going back to school and getting a new job. Let him know you'll be there for him, but... that he has to help you out too. If he is expected to pay rent, then a contract or lease wouldn't hurt, and it would keep him responsible. In addition to that, let him know what you expect from him while he is living at home. Tell him you understand that life can get busy with school and work, but that he is expected to help you out by keeping things picked up. Try to let him know that you're talking to him adult to adult and that these are things you'd expect from any adult living with you.
    anime_mom619

    Answer by anime_mom619 at 12:56 PM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • lay the law down, he may be an adult but he is living with his parents. Set rules for him and a chore list. If he doesnt like it tell him to get out.
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 11:58 AM on Jan. 28, 2013

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