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3 Bumps

I love him but don't like living with him....is that terrible for a mom to say? :(

My 21 y/o is seriously testing my patience to the limit. It feels like he is just using us. He's only given us $50 toward rent since moving back home 3 months ago. He is just starting a new job & is back in school, so that's great. He seems to have $ to do the things he wants, but not to contribute to the household/groceries. He lives like a slob & only grudgingly picks up when asked/nagged to do so. I'm the only parent he has left (dad died 3 yrs ago) & I'd hate to undo the good he's accomplished with school, but I'm not sure how much longer I can live this way. I feel like a bad mom for wanting to boot this bird from the nest. But life was much less stressful when he was out of the house for those 10 mos. Any suggestions?

 
mrsmom110

Asked by mrsmom110 at 11:54 AM on Jan. 28, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 46 (233,943 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (20)
  • You are Not a bad Mother. In this case you are not helping him move on and in the process hurting yourself. You have done it before you can do it again, all his life you helped him move to the next level, as in growing up, this is the hardest one letting go, but very necessary and you can do it and he will be fine, with time so will you MrsMom110 . Hugs!!
    sunshine196

    Answer by sunshine196 at 12:20 PM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • Wy don't you have him pay a bill and give you money for groceries. That would make me happy. He is in school and working, I wouldn't expect my kid not to go out and have fun. Just decide what you want from him.
    skinnyslokita

    Answer by skinnyslokita at 12:41 PM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • I'm glad that things are going well for/with him in some important ways. I know that much is relieving or encouraging.
    What you are expressing doesn't sound like a terrible thing for a mom to say, to me. My suggestion is that you respond to these feelings of frustration & resentment by owning them & communicating openly, and warmly. You love him, so just let him know what your issues are.
    It doesn't sound like you absolutely want him out, so approach it as a chance to address things that aren't working so well, a chance to respond constructively to the signals of your feelings (I believe frustration & resentment/annoyance are signals that you are overextending your personal limits. It's a signal that you've taken over responsibility that isn't yours, and then are feeling resentful & upset.) If you do this without blaming or fault-finding, just sharing what you don't/won't accept, that helps him respond (vs. react.)
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 8:46 AM on Jan. 29, 2013

  • You are absolutely not a bad mother. Having you doubt your self as a good parent is a form of control and abuse kids like to use to get their way. Be strong and do him and you a favor...make him accountable! Doing so is a gift to him and he will realize it only when he has kids of is own. Ladies, how many grown men have you met who's mommies never made them grow up? Now the grown Peter Pan is your husband or boyfriend!
    Jomasjc

    Answer by Jomasjc at 7:36 AM on Feb. 1, 2013

  • You have done all you need to to earn your "Good Mom" badge. In the long run it will be a kindness to make him grown up and move out on his own. It is the only way he will learn to be independent which is really what we need to teach our children.
    Thegeish

    Answer by Thegeish at 1:36 PM on Feb. 11, 2013

  • I cannot live with either of my two adult kids, especially my son. He's just like yours,lol. Don't feel bad for wanting a stress free home. We work hard and our home is our haven. You need to give him a move out date and stick with it. Let him be someone else's roommate.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:43 PM on Feb. 21, 2013

  • lay down the law... tell him he is an adult and you expect him to start acting like one.
    He's welcome to stay, but here are the rules
    1) every pay check you earn you need to pay $xxx.xx off the top to me to pay for rent, utilities, and your food I buy for you
    2) you are to keep a neat and tidy room and pick up after yourself around the house - if I have to ask you to do it, you're time here will be very limited
    3) you are to help out with the chores around here. This goes hand in hand with picking up after yourself.
    4) etc, etc.... add in what you want

    Sit down with him with a written "contract" and have him go over it with you and sign it. If he doesn't cooperate, you have to kick him out. If he doesn't follow the contract once signed, have a part about a 30 day notice in the contract, give him notice to find a new place and STICK TO IT!
    This doesn't mean you love him any less, you are actually doing him more good than not
    daylily888

    Answer by daylily888 at 12:04 PM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • Shoot he's an adult and living with you and supposed to be paying rent. Write out a lease.
    KristiS11384

    Answer by KristiS11384 at 12:07 PM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • Sounds like it's time for some tough love. By letting him behave this way, you are allowing him to disrespect you and your home. He can either get on board with the way you want things to be, or he can find his own way in the world.
    hootie826

    Answer by hootie826 at 12:13 PM on Jan. 28, 2013

  • If you DO want to "boot that bird from the nest," that is fully OK too. Let him know what you want & work out a plan/timeline that lets him get a new course of action arranged. That certainly could be for the best. But if the present arrangement (him living at home while going to school) would work for you, assuming more considerate behaviors & contributions to the home, why not address the issue rather than assuming that the EXISTENCE of the issue means living together "doesn't work" or makes booting him out necessary?

    My thought is that this simply is a conflict. You can manage it like any conflict, and collaborate on coming up with solutions.

    If you know that he is immature, then expect some balking as he encounters your personal limits & reactions to his default preferences. If you tolerate his feelings but hold your limits, you may find that he finds some internal resolution & makes choices to adapt & respond!
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 8:54 AM on Jan. 29, 2013