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How can I have a good relationship with my son and respect my DH?

My ex husband trash talked my new DH in front of my kids since the moment he found out I was dating him. My ex has tried to physically fight my DH on more than one occasion, once in front of my 3 year old. My oldest son, 13, has always been very close to his Dad, and has followed suit with disrespecting DH. This all came about because DH's ex informed my ex about DH's past problems with alcohol and drugs. However, he's been clean and sober for over 8 years. DH is honest about his past problems and the fact that he takes pain medication for his back (he is legally 100% disabled). He doesn't take the medicine for fun. My son recently told me he thinks my DH is a "crack head" which is exactly what ex calls him. I'm tired of trying to convince my ex and his GF that DH is clean. Now my son is on their bandwagon, too?! I've tried talking to him many times and he durant respond, even in person. All he said last time was "he is a crackhead and I don't like your house." How am I supposed to have a relationship with my son when he ignores my texts and calls, doesn't want to come to my house, and talks crap about my DH? My 3 boys live with their Dad, by the way, & we have joint custody.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:11 AM on Jan. 29, 2013 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (8)
  • Did you call the cops on the physical fight? If it should happen again, DO THAT.

    Beyond that, your husband has to just keep being who he is. He can talk to your son and own up to past problems. And then jus tbe a good example. If your ex is still a mess (and sounds like he is if he's picking fights) your son will figure it out on his own.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 12:21 AM on Jan. 29, 2013

  • I would make sure he understood that when he is in YOUR house he will speak with respect or will be punished. He is thirteen but not to old to be told how to act. You send him to his room no tv,radio etc every single time and do not back down!
    luvmygrandbaby

    Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 12:25 AM on Jan. 29, 2013

  • Use that stupid phone in the future... video!

    This is one of those things that just has to run its course, I'm afraid. You can't force anything.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 12:37 AM on Jan. 29, 2013

  • Your son may be going through teenage angst right now, but eventually he will figure out the truth. Your new husband is treating you better than your ex does, and your son will see it sooner or later. Try not to get in poinless arguments with your son about your husband, which mayonly make him more hard-headed.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 12:25 AM on Jan. 29, 2013

  • My ex keeps giving me a hard time about having a relationship with our son, but I don't feel like I should have to beg him to talk to me, and be respectful. I didn't raise him to be like that. Some people tell me to just leave him alone and he'll come around- I have birth ti him for crying out loud, and this breaks my heart. Yes, the police were called, but my ex had "witnesses" aka his family, who lured their asses off and we couldn't do anything or DH might have gone to jail for disorderly conduct. Everything has gone in my ex's favor and it's starting to get to me, especially with my child listening to his crap.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:34 AM on Jan. 29, 2013

  • *lied, not lured...stupid phone
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:35 AM on Jan. 29, 2013

  • I have a friend that is having this same problem. His two sons are now acting like he made their lives hell while they lived with him. Him and their mother are now in the process of getting divorced and the two boys act like they barely even want to see their dad, let alone talk to him. He has gotten to a point where he nows it will be pointless and hurtful to everyone if he tries to force it, so he is bacing off, taking what he can get out of them, and just letting them learn that their mother isn't always right on their own. Sometimes, that is the way things have to go. I know it sucks and it hurts, but pushing relationships on people when they don't want them can lead to resentment, which is worse then what you have now.
    -Ashley
    spiritguide_23

    Answer by spiritguide_23 at 9:22 AM on Jan. 29, 2013

  • My suggestion is--Don't try to convince your ex & his girlfriend! That is a sure source of frustration because it is a losing battle, and also something you can't (and don't need to!) control. Allow their "take." Don't even focus on trying to convince your 13yo.
    Make room within yourself for his opinion, even if it goes contrary to what you KNOW about the reality with your husband. Show that you accept that he is a separate person with his own thoughts, feelings, perceptions & opinions.
    The more you can honor his position or stance (as his right, as his to hold, and as something you accept--i.e., not "debating" in hopes of convincing/changing him) the less you stimulate his defensiveness & resistance.
    Have a relationship with your son as he is; don't make it conditional, or contingent on his "reality" matching yours.
    That step actually is the beginning of resolution.
    You can do this AND articulate clear limits around behavior.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 9:45 AM on Jan. 29, 2013