Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

2 Bumps

I HIT my daughter

And I called CPS the next morning. She has, well, not a black eye but pink one. I lost it. They were here today after my report, with the police. I will face charges and she's been removed from the home for the night. She came to our home five years ago after multiple foster placements and one disrupted adoption. She has a list of psych diagnoses a mile long. But we had worked so hard, and she is so beautiful under her rage, and now I've HIT her! Way to make it worse... So she's been removed from the home, and I will face charges... Anyone out there in the foster/adoptive world been in a similar situation? All I've had so far is I brought it on myself by calling CPS, and maybe that was a mistake, but I sort of figured, I did a wrong thing to a child, so I call in the pros, but so far their only answer is to pull her out and send me to jail. I asked about counseling... "We don't have money for that" Hm?

Answer Question

Asked by megolson at 2:38 AM on Jan. 30, 2013 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 2 (6 Credits)
Answers (21)
  • I think a good resource for you to check into is Heather T. Forbes (also Bryan Post, but I don't know what his online presence is like.)

    They co-wrote a book, Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children. It addresses the underlying issues related to extreme behaviors & rage, and it also addresses the aspect of how these behaviors & this stress can trigger parents, and how to handle & process the feelings that come up (something different than just "coping" or "managing" the feelings, as in, stuff them down.)
    I know that Heather has a website that hosts a community for parents, so there is that kind of support, but she also responds to direct contacts via email. I encourage you to contact her about resources & support, even for therapist referrals in your area or suggestions for finding someone whose approach/philosophy to trauma & attachment issues would be compatible.

    Answer by girlwithC at 7:15 AM on Jan. 30, 2013

  • Ya, I am sure you hit your child then called cps. Troll

    Answer by bostonmommyof4 at 7:58 AM on Jan. 30, 2013

  • I grant you courage for calling the authorities yourself, we are all human and make mistakes but it takes a certain individual to admit those mistakes, for this I commend you!!! and also for fostering and Lesbian daughter is now in the process of foster to adopt, she will run the risk of having an infant taken from her, but she would much rather go through that and mold that little infant than to go adopt a child who has been wrongly molded. You most definitely need help but realizing you do is half the battle, you will come out through this a better person.

    Answer by older at 7:58 AM on Jan. 30, 2013

  • Ha! I like how you admit to hitting your daughter,and then want to counsel another mom on here.

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 9:07 AM on Jan. 30, 2013

  • I hope you get serious help, its good you called and reported yourself.

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 9:28 AM on Jan. 30, 2013

  • I think you need to get some counseling.
    Our children, whether through birth, adoption, or foster care can drive up to distraction and that is when we need coping skills. Not everyone has learned them growing up and they are not instinctive.
    I slapped my daughter across the mouth when filth was flying out. It wasn't hard enough to even leave a mark and it was to stop her and get her attention. I felt horrible but after counseling I discovered that I did the exact right thing for the situation.
    I did not call CPS and she was certainly old enough to do so herself. Maybe I should have.
    I child who has been in the system has major issues and the more moves the worse it is. She should have been receiving counseling all along. The system is flawed. They should have insisted on you getting counseling before fostering as well, noy just you but all. There is a different set of coping skills needed.

    Answer by Dardenella at 11:32 AM on Jan. 30, 2013

  • older what exactly do you mean by

    would much rather go through that and mold that little infant than to go adopt a child who has been wrongly molded

    what is a wrongly molded child?

    Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 2:42 PM on Jan. 30, 2013

  • With all due respect, Older, to say that older children who need a loving home have been molded incorrectly completely invalidates their lives and their stories. Abuse is not "molding". It is trauma, it is horrific, it is evil and the child should not and cannot be blamed for the actions of the adults in their lives. Does trauma mean more work? Yes, it can. Does trauma mean young children often have walls up higher than many adults? Yes, it can. Does a child with trauma in their background deserve a loving, stable, and supportive home any less than an infant because they are scarred? HELL NO. Please, try to appropriately assign blame where blame is due. The child is not responsible for the fact that they have been neglected, starved, beaten, raped, humiliated, and rejected. ... Cont ...

    Answer by theMOMmission at 3:59 PM on Jan. 30, 2013

  • ... Cont ... Yes, there are some complications that can come when raising children who are unfortunate enough to be old enough to remember and understand the evil bestowed on them. But in the end, all those children want is for someone to love them. For someone to be consistent. For someone to be safe enough so they can take down their walls.

    I recognize that not everyone is cut out to jump into foster care taking on older children, but to phrase it the way you did and placing the blame on the child is unacceptable, ignorant, and disgusting.

    EVERY child deserves a home. Children are not bad because they have suffered and therefore need help learning to trust and love. They have suffered. That is is. Nothing more and nothing less. They have suffered. They need love, compassion, support, understanding, and patience just like the children who have received a safe and stable upbringing.

    Answer by theMOMmission at 4:02 PM on Jan. 30, 2013

  • As for you, OP, I am a foster mother. I work with teenagers with highly traumatic backgrounds. What you did is inexcusable. A child came to you trusting, hoping for a better life. You have failed her.

    I am impressed that you had the courage to report yourself. I am sure that you understand the consequences of your decision to report.

    I can tell you that in this time you will feel alone, you will be under the microscope, and there will be many people who will judge you.

    I do believe that whatever judge you go before will take into consideration your decision to report yourself. It is likely that you will loose your foster license though I do not know if you will actually receive jail time.

    I strongly urge you to get counseling. Call the different therapy offices in your area, find out if they offer a sliding scale. Money should not stand in the way of you receiving help. You need help, get it now.

    Answer by theMOMmission at 4:08 PM on Jan. 30, 2013

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.