Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

3 Bumps

I really need advice

I really need some advice here. My husband was laid off from his teaching job after many years in January 2010. We had a supplemental income working from home with a company and he had unemployment. Since that time our income from the company we were working with was cut several times, as of December there is no more unemployment. I have started another business and it is getting off the ground but will take time before I see it replace our income. We got word last month that our income with the first company is coming to nearly a screeching halt. Every time I approached my husband about making a plan of what to do, he put me off.
My husband and I come from completely different backgrounds. His family never saved a dime, as fast as the money came in, it was spent, they never had anything. This mentality never left my husband, before he was married he was making very good money and yet he did not have any savings, he owned a home with a mortgage and had a nice car and nice things because he spent all his money.
When we got married he was embarrassed about the way he handled money and vowed to be different but if not for me we would have no savings. We had a very large savings due to an inheritance that I got from my parents. I have it put away where he cannot touch it. Even so we have had to dip into it many times due to his lack of work etc.
He dipped into his 401 K last year, and spent some of it on a 3000.00 guitar (supposedly a limited edition collectors item). He said he did not tell me because I always say no.
Now, I find out he took a check in my name from my insurance company that was paid on a car that I owned that was stolen and totaled. The check was nearly 12,000.00. Well I find out yesterday he forged my name deposited the check and was paying our bills with it, no wonder he was not worried about our salary getting cut or what we would do because for him, we will coast on that until it is gone. That is his mentality. I was so pissed. He then says he did not tell me because I would say no, he also tells me he will do what he wants to take care of the family and that it was not spent on anything but heating oil and other bills. He says he is right.
When I tell him he needs to get a job he always has an excuse, he had surgery last year, then he just had elbow surgery, he wants to get another surgery etc… meanwhile he could work from home helping me with my business and won’t do it. I am sick of this, this money is going to go just like he spent his 401 K. He lives in the moment, I am so upset, contacted a lawyer, he says he will not go, will not get a divorce.
I cannot take it any more, do not want to rip my family apart but he is going to destroy us financially.
He honestly said to me yesterday that asking him what he spent $150.00 on was destroying his day. He said that no one does that. I told him there are couples that go nuts if the other spends $20 and can’t account for it and that asking what he spent $150 is not unreasonable.
He wastes money like you cannot believe, for instance we live far from stores and doctors and yet instead of scheduling things for one day, he every day drives his gas guzzling truck for one thing and then goes back, stops at McDonalds spending $30 buying things for the kids, convenience store etc…
He lives like he is a multi-millionaire and I feel I have all the responsibility to be financially responsible and earning money. I think because he came from nothing it would not bother him an iota to spend every last dime because he is always just trying to get that high he gets spending money.
He also tells me things like where am I going, no one will want me, it will be the same with anyone else which I know are mind games to control me but I need to know because he thinks he can do whatever he wants and not have to ask, he thinks because he is the man he can do that. He is not even earning any money.
Please Tell me what you think her, I need to hear it.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 9:59 AM on Jan. 30, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (7)
  • "He also tells me things like where am I going, no one will want me, it will be the same with anyone else which I know are mind games to control me but I need to know because he thinks he can do whatever he wants and not have to ask, he thinks because he is the man he can do that. "

    You know he is playing mind games with you and you are so right! He is unreasonable and you are smart to explore divorce because he probably won't change. The fact that he is a spender is less important than he is a sneak about it and has no respect for the fact that you are responsible for bringing in the money in the first place.

    You are one up on a lot of the women who are in unhappy marriages, you have a job and the means to take care of you and yours. Take action before he grinds you into a position where you can't do those things.

    Answer by tessiedawg at 10:06 AM on Jan. 30, 2013

  • sounds to me you need to kick his ass out. He's trying to control you when the games he's playing.

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 10:12 AM on Jan. 30, 2013

  • I always hesitate to recommend divorce without some kind of counseling, but in your case, I think that it's time. He will destroy you financially...looks like he's done a good job already, and he's trying to manipulate you into staying. Time to find yourself a good job and get out of there.

    Answer by ohwrite at 10:16 AM on Jan. 30, 2013

  • Money and how money is handled is so very important. Did you not discuss it prior to marriage? I would get a divorce. He will not change. Things will just get worse. You will be better off.

    Answer by booklover545 at 10:22 AM on Jan. 30, 2013

  • Good Luck Dear.

    Answer by Im-HiDdEn at 11:56 AM on Jan. 30, 2013

  • I think your heart already knows what has to happen. You have to think about you and the kids if he is not responsible or care enough to do something to help he needs to go. Maybe then he will wake up and see. Good luck

    Answer by Alisim at 12:06 PM on Jan. 30, 2013

  • He's lucky to have you and will realize that when he has nothing and you have the money to buy food. Any man would be lucky to have a woman who can save money instead of spend it. If it's a deal breaker then cut your losses with him. There are plenty of men who would love to have a mate who can help build an empire instead of living off what is in his pocket.

    Answer by admckenzie at 4:07 PM on Jan. 30, 2013

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.