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2 Bumps

My mom and dad... What's wrong with me? why can't I....?

A bit of back history, been married 22yrs, 2 kids, 18 and 16. I know my parents love me. But for some reason, for the last 22 when I've needed my parents help, for 95% of the time, I've had "bad timing".
Babysitting---guilt, and pressure to "come earlier". I was home almost 1 month after having my 1st child, who wasn't sleeping in the afternoon, and I thought I was doing something wrong..she finally "caved" ('oh alright') and would stand in my main floor foyer, waiting for me to finish my shower and "OK take me back to work". She owned her own travel business with my bro and dad. A business which, they babysat my 1st niece for a full year before my bro put her in day care. My eldest child is 4 mos younger than my bro's youngest...
Kids---my kids have been treated differently than my brother's. I don't mean, gifts. How do you explain to a 7yr old "why noni, makes us stand in the family room and only cooks with ___and ___". I knew then my kids were being treated different (as my grandmother did me and my bro), and at the very least my eldest knew 7! My kids have "issues" my brother's kids have "growing pains", and go "thru phases".
Broke my leg 7mos preggers with my 2nd child, had to go to a rehab hospital for 3 weeks. To get stronger for crutches and to re-teach my leg to be dependant. (long story). I had been in a car accident and wore an external fixator for 5 mos, delivered my 2nd with it on. And was non weight bearing for 5 mos. I paid for babysitters for my eldest and then both children. My mil was wonderful, she gave me 1/2 of her time off! I asked my parents for 1 Sat month..They came 1 Sat, 1 time and told me "no more". They were going to have to get jobs because I couldn't pay for their now closed business' bills that were on our credit cards. (the 1st was 90 days past due the 2nd 10 days to collections). They never got jobs. My mom tho, took 1 week vacation for 3 yrs to watch my bro's kids in between summer sessions at the Boys' and Girls club. Would tell me that me and my kids couldn't come up to get the 4 cousins together... my kids were "too much"...I was going to STAY.
I was good enough to borrow 2 credit cards from for her travel business (that closed). (the status of those I noted above), my dh and I brought those cards current, paid them for 4 mos (2 before and 2 after I broke my leg). I was also good enough to live with for 30 days when they had no where else to go. But not good enough to sleep at on Xmas eve to watch my kids open their gifts Xmas morning..she did this with my brother for 5 years. One yr, they literally drove home in a blizzard instead of staying at my house.
Good enough to borrow money from, for groceries and when she bought her house. When I couldn't loan her money anymore I was told "you should help us as payback for all we did for you" (SWEAR to GOD my father said that to me) Good enough to trade a check with..I give her cash today, I can cash her check next week. Good enough to sit with her when my dad was in the ER all night and call in sick for the next night. Being an RN and alone with my dad for 4 hours (mom went home to shower), I asked her what their wishes were, she told me "ask your brother, he's executor of the will". My mouth fell open, I can't express how hurt I was...
A few years ago, my mom and I made "amends" I honestly thought I was over it. That I 'd put it behind me. I dropped my wall and opened up to asking them for help, and just being open. Of the 3 times I've invited them to just come to stay with us at the beach, she came 1 time. Each time not telling us she wasn't coming until about an hour before she was supposed to be there.
In Jan, I was super sick, my mom offered to take my eldest back to college for me. At first I said "nah I'll be ok"..then when I realized I wasn't have a hot flash it was a fever, I called back asking if I could take them up on their offer. After a useless circle of "can he go back earlier?" "how earlier, we all just woke up, I still have laundry to finish, what time works for you"... he said "just earlier" then he said 'never mind, 3 is fine we'll be there at 3". At 230 he calls (should be driving to my house), "we can't come we didn't nap after delivering the newspaper this morning." I said "well that would have been nice to know 2 hours ago, when I took you up on your offer. No problem, I gotta go" and I hung up. (I said 'good bye").
I mean there's more, but I thought these might be the "highlights"...
How do I keep current disappointment from pickin' scabs off the old ones? I REALLY thought I'd put the other stuff behind me.
How does anyone put 'stuff' behind them? Is it separated, current and old? or am I feeling normal? I mean I told my mom about the 22yrs of bad timing and now I hurt her. I didn't want to hurt her and I don't want to be hurt anymore..
Any advice would be helpful..PLEASE DON'T BASH.
Thank you

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 10:22 PM on Jan. 31, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (13)
  • I do not "put it behind me" some people may call it "holding a grudge"- I call it smart enough to not touch the hot stove top more than once.

    You know who and what they are. You know their personalities. They are old- they aren't going to change. YOU must change your expectations of them.

    They do not want to do for you. It doesnt matter who they want to do for- only that it isn't you. So stop asking. Because their repeated refusal is only causing you pain.


    Peruse this group, it is very helpful.


    Answer by feralxat at 10:31 PM on Jan. 31, 2013

  • frealxat, thanks I'll peruse the group!!
    What you said was where I was..then my mom was all "oh things will change, I want to be there for you, I really do. I haven't been there for you before", "I'm going to be here for you now.."..
    I believed her. (I feel foolish)

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:36 PM on Jan. 31, 2013

  • Yo forgive and put it behind you is not the same as forgetting and continueing on the same path. Fordiving them for their misuse of you, releases you from the anger. It benefits you actually, more than the other person)s.
    I agree with Paxi though, it does help to have others support you and reinforce that you have a right to your feelings and to take actions not only to protect yourself but your family as well. If not the group she mentioned find another.

    Answer by Dardenella at 10:39 PM on Jan. 31, 2013

  • God. No wonder you are hurt. Good for you for finally telling her about your timing always being bad. Who cares if she's hurt now, you've been mistreated for years. Clearly your folks have picked favorites. Honestly, what can be said to make this better for you? I'm not sure anything we say will help but if you get to a place of forgiveness it'll probably be better for you. If it were me, I'd distance myself from such toxicity. Not good for you or your kids. You can't change your parents but you can do better with your own kids and grandkids. You might consider therapy just for your own peace of mind to know it's nothing you've done, that you are a good person. I don't know your family background so there could be many explanations for why the parents act this way, however inexcusable it is. Maybe it's how they were raised? Hang in there.

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 11:14 PM on Jan. 31, 2013

  • Nothing's wrong with YOU. Your parents are quite deficient. Indeed, they're not parents or grandparents at all. Merely donors of genetic material.

    Time to give them as much consideration as they've given you over the years. Which is NONE!

    Therapy is a great idea. You might get some suggestions on how to stop being used. Be aware, stopping might require writing them off.

    Answer by gdiamante at 11:32 PM on Jan. 31, 2013

  • I think the telling her is about 22 years overdue. If she is butthurt, that is on her, not you. It is hard to hear criticism, but even harder when you know the person is speaking the truth.

    Big hugs Momma. You just have to protect yourself and back away from your parents and their mess. You have been a good daughter, now you need to be good to yourself and your own family.

    Answer by SleepingBeautee at 11:37 PM on Jan. 31, 2013

  • People only use you as long as you allow it. I'm sorry these people took advantage of you. They are your parents. They should have respected you and your children more but they chose to think only of themselves and others before you and your family. You now know how they are. Don't allow it to happen again. My mother never would help me with my children so I never expected from her. That way I wasn't disappointed. Wipe the slate clean and don't dwell on their shortcomings but never expect anything from them. Sad.

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:26 AM on Feb. 1, 2013

  • Stop asking them for any help. Do not invite them over. Do not ask them for anything. Stop calling them. Make them call you. Do not delete them from your life. Just stop trying so hard.

    Answer by louise2 at 7:06 AM on Feb. 1, 2013

  • You say I love you but I do not want to be hurt anymore and I don;t want my kids or my husband to be hurt anymore.
    Did you save all the records of the money you loaned them?
    These can bu]\e put against any "eststae" before any moneies are divided including the estate manager's fee. Check your laws.

    Answer by Dardenella at 9:29 AM on Feb. 1, 2013

  • You have to just accept them as they are. Stop calling them, do not count on them, do not ask them for anything. Lots of people have family that they cannot count on and they have to go it alone. Good for you that you have built your own family.

    Answer by booklover545 at 9:52 AM on Feb. 1, 2013

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