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3 Bumps

Anyone else have an @sshole kid?

Ds is 8 and he is a complete and total ass. I know he can't help it. He has ODD, ADHD and they are testing him for bi-polar disorder ( his bio-dad has it as does his bio dad's sister but they are not like him! ) but OMG I can not handle this kids attitude. He is stomping his feet and throwing his stuff because I said it was bed time and he could not watch youtube videos and if he kept it up he would loose all computer time for the weekend... well he kept it up so they are gone and now he is really being a butt. intentionally yelling to keep his sister awake and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. I could bribe and take things away until I am blue in the face but he will still do it. I could spank him but then he would fly off the handle and starting hitting me and his sister and it would turn into a physical fight- me spanking followed by him hitting- followed by me spanking... I am at my freaking wits end. The kid has been self contained in school since 1st grade and I have had him in play therapy and counseling since he was 5 and he started anti-psychotics last year. What am I supposed to do? All his school can suggest is waiting until he is 11 and committing him to an inpatient program that his insurance ( as of now) will not cover and I sure as hell don't have the money.

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Asked by Anonymous at 8:07 PM on Feb. 1, 2013 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Answers (50)
  • (cont'd)
    predictable escalations, when you face unacceptable behavior or defiant/oppositional responses. It becomes less a matter of walking on eggshells, and more a matter of discovering how to listen & respond in ways that HEAR the person (decoding the message contained in the primitive & often triggering language) and convey this understanding to him, rather than responding first to the form the message took.
    A more detailed discussion of this kind of listening & speaking is given in the "active listening" described by Thomas Gordon in "Parent Effectiveness Training." Also explored in "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk." These two books, while not about special needs kids, explain a kind of communication that can handle explosiveness & defiance because it doesn't respond with immediate & automatic rejection & negation ("you may not use that tone of voice" etc.)
    Another thought is that restraint is

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:16 AM on Feb. 2, 2013

  • really important when he is acting out physically (you mentioned this already) but I would focus on making the limit physical. I would encourage you to make any verbal contributions at those times focused on connection (empathy & validation) rather than expressing (verbalizing) the limit you are already making quite clear. It is implicit in your actions, restraining him & preventing the hitting/kicking/choking/biting. Your verbal response (either by NOT focusing verbally on his actions being "unacceptable," i.e. just refraining from verbal response & letting the physical limit and your caring "speak" alone, or else by verbally reflecting understanding for his upset--"You really didn't want me to say No" etc.) at those times can help to de-escalate the situation, keeping it from getting to that more physically challenging point.
    Another resource I can suggest is Heather T. Forbes, a therapist who is dedicated to helping parents

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:24 AM on Feb. 2, 2013

  • of children with extreme behaviors. She has written some books (including one co-written with therapist Bryan Post) on parenting children with severe behaviors in ways that promote attachment because they (the parental responses) recognize the stress model that relates to these times and address the fight/flight response that is activated when children are very reactive (being defiant, oppositional, aggressive...) She also has an online presence & I believe she does respond to parents who contact her via email.
    I do agree that therapy for a parent can help, because we are "the environment" and that has a big impact on the situation, and how it unfolds. The more stress you are under, the more it helps for you to be (and feel) heard, understood accurately (for your frustration, overwhelm, fears, worries, sadness, fury, helplessness), and supported. Heather is someone who could provide a referral in your area. Or you could look

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:31 AM on Feb. 2, 2013

  • for someone who recognizes a name like Daniel A. Hughes, and the kind of attachment-focused approach he, Heather Forbes, Bryan Post (etc.) recommend, all of which is based on current findings on attachment, the brain, emotional regulation, and neuroplasticity (the ongoing opportunity to change and "rewire" the brain) in neuroscience, particularly by researchers & clinicians like Allan Schore and Daniel Siegel. There's a lot of parenting stuff there, too (such as some of Siegel's books & articles.)

    The books are great resources (they really advocate the same sort of response described in Gabor Mate's book, and in Parenting Effectiveness Training) but having the support of a therapist who is aware of this model is that much "more."

    Anyway, best wishes to you.

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:46 AM on Feb. 2, 2013

  • I would never fault you for saying something in frustration that you wouldn't really mean if you weren't exhausted and out of ideas. CM should be a safe place to vent, but be careful, sometimes it isn't. I understand. I have a stepson with ADHD and Asperger's, and even thogh his behaviors aren't near what your son's are, it's still hard. I worked with profoundly autistic kids and adults at a summer camp for three years, and I did the best I could with them and was glad to send them home to their parents at the end of the week. You love your son, but you're disappointed because you had hoped for so much more in his life, and in your life with him.

    Something that hasn't been mentioned much, is your daughter okay? She probably needs counseling to deal with the way her brother is, if at six she's having to hide behind a locked door and remember being choked till she had a bruised neck. Love her up whenever you can.

    Answer by Ballad at 1:01 AM on Feb. 2, 2013

  • GWC, I wish i had known you ten years ago when I was struggling to raise my son. I could have used those books.

    Answer by musicmaker at 1:20 AM on Feb. 2, 2013

  • Good luck :/

    Answer by DonnaPinitonya at 2:54 AM on Feb. 2, 2013

  • Maybe he is an ass cause your calling him one, you don't have to say it to his face for him to pick up on your feelings and your frustrations and with his conditions your frustration would make him worse, not saying this is the only issue just saying this part of it, clearly you need some help mama, and I hope you get it soon, there really isn't enough help for Mothers/parents dealing with these difficult situations unfortunately.

    Answer by Princess_s21 at 2:57 AM on Feb. 2, 2013

  • Filling out forms is NOT the way to diagnose ADHD. please do some research. Try additude magazine online. He should be throughly evaluated. Many professionals believe that it is not possible to diagnose a child with bipolar. Take a step back. Is it possible to take away all meds? In a safe manner like with the help of a doctor? A second opinion would be a good idea. You should take him to a NeuroBehavioral pediatric specialists. Call the nearest children's hospital. If you are in WA area I can reccomend a great doctor. Good Luck. Remember if he does not have ADHD he may be reacting to the medications. PM me if you live in WA and I will give you the name.

    Answer by booklover545 at 9:13 PM on Feb. 2, 2013

  • I would never call a child that

    Answer by escuchar at 10:58 PM on Mar. 21, 2014

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