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2 Bumps

I just can't be friends with her anymore. How to get away?

I have a "friend" I've know through work for 12 years. She has never been married and I'm married with kids. She has always come to me (minus a few times we meet for drinks out) because I have few sitters and if I do have them, I don't want to use them for drinks on her. She comes to me, which I appreciate but I also know it's cause there's nothing else for her to do. Here's the issue. She incessantly, without fail, every time and in every bloody phone call, talks exclusively about herself, her work, her never ending man troubles. Tonight was the last time. She is so self involved that she got irritated with my children when they tried to show her some of their school work. As soon as they left the room, she refocused on herself, her problems, her stories. When I tried to talk about my own work, she turned the chat back to herself within about sixty seconds. Ten years I've counseled her, listened and supported and now, well, I'm just fucking angry and over it. Do I just never answer her calls? How do I say I cannot stand or be friends with someone so selfish? The issue being, I've set the precedence of being there for her but I'm done.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:46 PM on Feb. 1, 2013 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (15)
  • I have had a friend like that. For me the last straw was when my dad was dying and right after he passed, she just went on and on and on about how she was divorcing her abusive husband, but she was waiting so she could get more money out of him, she might be pregnant with her abusive boyfriends baby and she was undergoing an inquiry at work because her new "cute" friend said she was stalking him (she was) and how she took his licencing board tests for money and she is worried that she is going to get fired and lose her licence because she cheated... blah, blah, blah.

    SleepingBeautee

    Answer by SleepingBeautee at 10:54 PM on Feb. 1, 2013

  • And that's why she's not married!

    People so self absorbed drive me crazy!
    I don't know how to advice on this one but if it were me, I'd slowly stop contacts with her or if she means a lot to you, talk to her about how you feel. Isn't this what friends are for?
    See where it goes from there. Let her decide where this friendship goes.
    PMSMom10

    Answer by PMSMom10 at 10:52 PM on Feb. 1, 2013

  • I could no longer handle her self inflicted drama. I had to step back. When she called, I told her that I was busy and really sorry I couldn't hang out. I put her off long enough that she got the hint. She still tries occasionally to have coffee together, but I am smart now and still decline.


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    SleepingBeautee

    Answer by SleepingBeautee at 10:54 PM on Feb. 1, 2013

  • Honestly I was friends at work with a girl like that. The best thing you can do is be up front and honest with her. Trust me you will be doing her a favor. I would tell her the next time she asks to get together that you would rather sit at home and watch the weather channel on tv. As shes blabbing about herself say, ya I'm doing good, my husband is good and the kids are good oh wait you didn't ask. You never ask all you ever want to do is talk about you, I am not getting paid to listen to all of your problems and life dramas. You are very self absorbed and I believe that is why you are always so unhappy and constantly complain of all your problems. I choose not to listen to it anymore. I suggest you start paying a therapist to listen to all your crap.Bye! Hang up
    txnmomof4

    Answer by txnmomof4 at 11:16 PM on Feb. 1, 2013

  • Be too busy to take her calls, ignore her texts, don't meet her for anything. If you're not there she cannot continue draining you.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:28 AM on Feb. 2, 2013

  • You need to wean her off, be busy when she calls, etc. She probably won't get the message but it's worth trying. If she asks why, tell the truth but as kindly as possible. No one can take advantage of you unless you allow it.
    mikesmom65270

    Answer by mikesmom65270 at 12:10 AM on Feb. 2, 2013

  • Stop taking her calls. If she leaves message just text her your busy dealing with work or kids at that moment and will call back later. And then don't. It is so easy getting rid of of people. No matter how annoying they are. I've done it successfully a couple of times.
    cookie269

    Answer by cookie269 at 12:28 AM on Feb. 2, 2013

  • Thanks you guys. I'm glad I'm not the only one with a stalker-friend. She takes zero accountability in why her friendships/boyfriends fall to shit. It's NEVER because of her..god.

    SleepingB, that is just so horrible. I'm so sorry and glad you finally extricated yourself from it.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:05 PM on Feb. 1, 2013

  • txnmom, can you do it for me? Ha! It is good advice and if I didn't dislike confrontation I would. Moreover, I wish I cared to help straighten out her life (I don't anymore) but it would mean she'd have to take a hard look at the woman she has become and change that. It'll never happen. Narcissists cannot do that. That is why her previous friends left her and why the men don't stick.

    PMS, you are 100 percent right.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:21 PM on Feb. 1, 2013

  • I've had a smothering, needy friend for nearly 25 years. She isn't into drama, but she is so passionately religious and out of touch with the real world, always going on and on about the Bible and this or that preacher on the radio, and her wonderful parents and grandparents and brother, that I couldn't deal with it. I stopped answering her calls, letting the machine pick up, and then phoning her back when I know I'll be going somewhere in less than fifteen minutes so we don't talk too long. She wants me to go for a girls' weekend at a downtown hotel, and I'd rather stick my head in the garbage disposal and leave it running for an hour, so I've just said it's too hard to plan that with a preschooler in tow. I should be truthful, I guess, but itwould break her heart to hear my real feelings. Sometimes it works better for me just to try and set some boundaries I can live with. Like small doses.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 11:58 PM on Feb. 1, 2013