How would you take this?

I have been a stepmom for 15 yrs. and still am but my sk's are grown up and continue to live with their mom.
I met them ages (dd4 & ds2) the mom wanted to be with someone else so (they were separated at the time we met) she remarried had a baby. My dh & I got married and had 2 kids.
Well I thought I was a loving and good stepmom and went with the years hoping some how my sk's were close well it did not seem like it worked out that way bc now its like they only come over when their dad is home (he works weird hours) so when he's off on the weekends the sometimes are here.
Well today my sd21 calls and asks her dad if he will be home bc she wanted to get together for the Super Bowl he said no I am working but you can still come over if you'd like she says no that's defeating the purpose on coming over.
That kind of hurt my feelings bc when they were little I used to think why am I babysitting these kids while my dh was at work and this was every weekend and wondered their dad should be here with them not me watching them but I did not mind it at the time, but did wonder and blew it off.
I asked him today why aren't they coming and he said cause I have to work I'm like ugh! I told him I was a dumbbutt when I used to babysit them bc I didn't have to watch them I did it for him to be close to them and look now I'm not that important to them :(
Just feeling down for now I'll be OK.
Thanks Ladies for listening...

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Asked by Anonymous at 9:35 PM on Feb. 3, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

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I think she just wanted to spend time with her dad... nothing wrong with that.

Answer by Crafty26 at 9:39 PM on Feb. 3, 2013
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I think I would look at it that they are trying to make a special effort to see their dad not that they are avoiding you

Answer by Nimue930 at 9:41 PM on Feb. 3, 2013
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you did what you were supposed to do. Many Bio parents get let down like that too
I would hope that you did it because you loved them and thier father. not so that they would hang out with you when they were older.

they want to see their dad, I am sure they care about you but she said it defeats the purpose which means she needs some dad time.

yes it hurts and yes, you will get over it.

Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 9:42 PM on Feb. 3, 2013
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Yes I understand that but that's everytime. I just feel like being a stepmom is not all cracked up to be. But yet you have to deal with the ups & downs that I shouldn't be dealing with. ( You don't realize this until after the fact ).

Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:43 PM on Feb. 3, 2013
Your stepdaughter probably just felt like hanging out with her dad, but I can see how you would feel rejected, especially the way she said it.

Answer by Ballad at 9:44 PM on Feb. 3, 2013
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Thank you ladies ;)

Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:44 PM on Feb. 3, 2013
Maybe you could invite them over when dad is not there. Sometimes we have to put ourselves out there. If they refuse to come over after your invite, than I would address the situation with your husband present.

Answer by Jentily at 9:45 PM on Feb. 3, 2013
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"How would you take this?"
My goal would be to feel my feelings & to own them as mine--as happening in me for a reason (but not "caused by" SD.)
Feeling hurt or deflated would totally make sense!
It's possible that your SD is trying to hook up with her dad the times she comes to your place, not trying to avoid you. As in, she focuses on whether or not he will be there, not on whether YOU will/won't be there (and tries to come over when you're out, or something.) If she is focused on logistics ("I go over there when I can see my dad") she is likely to see the POINT of coming over as coordinating with her dad's time off.
The Super Bowl might be kind of specific (watch the game with Dad, or watch with somebody else--brother, boyfriend, at a SB party.) Learning that he was working might have ruled out one option from consideration.
It can mean something to you that it doesn't mean to her. The meaning you hold is what causes pain.

Answer by girlwithC at 12:38 AM on Feb. 4, 2013
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I have a step mother and its sad to feel but I feel more comfortable being with my dad. My step mother gets angry and hurt that I still call her by her first name instead of mom. My real mom is a drug addict and to me it feels like I dont have a mom so I feel uncomfortable calling her mom when I feel like I dont have one. Its nothing against step mothers its just very hard for a step child to do that. I am sure your a great mother and just try and be the best you can be. Good luck.

Answer by Im-HiDdEn at 8:01 AM on Feb. 6, 2013
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