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2 Bumps

My pre-teen is headed down the wrong path - what to do?

My daughter is 11 and she is sweet, caring, and helpful around the house. However, she is a follower and easily influenced. That being said, she had a sleepover with a couple friends and the next day, I found porn on her iphone and read some fb messages to some boy that were asking about his penis and sex. I have since taken all privileges (shame on mom for giving into the fb and iphone) and have taken her social life away (for now) I dont know what to do to instill in her that this behavior is way too advanced for her age. I contacted the other girls' parents and let them deal with theirs. I had already had a talk with her about boys and sex, etc which she assured me she was in no place to kiss or anything and wasnt interested. Blatant lie. When she gets upset, she throws MAJOR tantrums like kicking, screaming, and breaking things. I am at a loss. I just can't get her to focus on school and playing without BOYS/DRAMA. Help?

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Asked by TooEarlyForGrey at 3:17 PM on Feb. 4, 2013 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 3 (24 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • Therapy? For watching porn? I don't agree with that. I mean, she was having a sleepover and they're all so curious at that age. I remember going to sleepover at that age and the girl whose house it was snuck one of her mom's movies so we could watch a sex scene that was in it. We were all just kind of trying to figure out what went where!
    Asking a boy about his penis would concern me, but again, it could have been a dare from her friends if it happened during the sleepover.
    I think you're handling the situation well, but I wouldn't obsess over the what ifs right now. Just go along and continue what you're doing: withholding her privileges until she earns them back. And don't beat yourself up!!

    Answer by Nicoles2LilRams at 5:02 PM on Feb. 4, 2013

  • I kind of agree with what Nicoles2LilRams said.
    truth or dare is a popular game and that may be how some of this came about -or something of that nature, since it was at a sleep-over. I remember being 12 and looking at Playgirl magazines at a friends house and being dared to kiss a boy at that age as well. We were curious.

    Make sure you talk to her about the impression she wants to make on others and how acting like that can make her look bad. Remind her that things she sees on TV or in magazines reagarding sex and love are not the real world. Talk to her a lot, about all kinds of things- be honest and just keep reminding her that she is important, and boys can be trouble! (kind of kidding there- but you get what I mean) this is what I did with my 19 yr old and she came out ok

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 5:41 PM on Feb. 4, 2013

  • Therapy is not necessary. I just talked to my 11 yr old son the other day - after I found out he tried to find "naked women" online. It's younger than we expect, but it's normal, natural curiosity. So when she tells you she's not interested/curious/etc., know that she's lying. She is curious, she just doesn't want you to know.

    I simply told my son the truth (or the truth as I see it anyway): It is perfectly normal for him to be curious, and I am not angry or upset with him that he's curious (inside, I'm freaking, but that's my issue, not his! lol). But normal curiosity aside, it's still not appropriate for him to see those things yet, nor should he be attempting to engage in those things. He's not old enough to truly deal with the potential consequences that come along with those activities, and while I understand he's curious, this is a curiosity that simply has to go unsatisfied right now.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 5:54 PM on Feb. 4, 2013

  • Was he happy with me? Probably not. lol But I'm his mom, not his friend. It's my job to think ahead to his future when he isn't.

    Now, I'm lucky in that I homeschool, and so I have more control over where he goes and who he hangs out with to be able to prevent some of what you've just dealt with. (And btw, I didn't mean to imply you didn't have her passwords - just a note that you should definitely keep them in the future). But I think what you've done is fine. I would just keep a tight rein on her when it comes to going out with others. Make sure that her friends parents know she's saying she's going to be with them, and what her rules are (for example: no boys, not allowed to do X, Y, Z online). Maybe even swing by where she should be unannounced. If she knows you're watching, that might help cool some of this.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 5:58 PM on Feb. 4, 2013

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