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My pre-teen is headed down the wrong path - what to do?

My daughter is 11 and she is sweet, caring, and helpful around the house. However, she is a follower and easily influenced. That being said, she had a sleepover with a couple friends and the next day, I found porn on her iphone and read some fb messages to some boy that were asking about his penis and sex. I have since taken all privileges (shame on mom for giving into the fb and iphone) and have taken her social life away (for now) I dont know what to do to instill in her that this behavior is way too advanced for her age. I contacted the other girls' parents and let them deal with theirs. I had already had a talk with her about boys and sex, etc which she assured me she was in no place to kiss or anything and wasnt interested. Blatant lie. When she gets upset, she throws MAJOR tantrums like kicking, screaming, and breaking things. I am at a loss. I just can't get her to focus on school and playing without BOYS/DRAMA. Help?

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TooEarlyForGrey

Asked by TooEarlyForGrey at 3:17 PM on Feb. 4, 2013 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 3 (24 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • I think you did everything right mama
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 3:21 PM on Feb. 4, 2013

  • I just can't get her to focus on school and playing without BOYS/DRAMA. Help?

    you can't. its natural and healthy to show interest in the opposite sex (or same sex if that's how she rolls) its called puberty

    all you can do is control access to teach acceptable interaction
    she does know for instance that girls who act like that are generally called ugly names and made the butt of locker room jokes correct?
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 3:26 PM on Feb. 4, 2013

  • Take away the electronics part and think of your own preteen years.
    Yes IMO she is too young to be on FB.
    I am not about kids and I phones but I am sure they have their place.
    The point is that she can not have them or be with her frinds until she can use all of it responsibly. That includes saying no when it is not the right thing to do. She may have been "pushed" into texting the boy. Still her choice.

    The porn does not bother me as much. Kids are curious and they will find stuff out one way or another. In my day it was dirty magazines and dirty novels and of course a lot of misinformation.

    Keep giving the right information and maybe heve her volunteer with you to work at a teen pregnancy crisis center.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 3:26 PM on Feb. 4, 2013

  • sounds like you have a normal pre-teen and are handling it in the right way. she is testing the boundaries you've put up, seeing what she can get away with, and from your post you didnt let her get away with it. shes curious about adult things, her body is changing, she's pubescent & her friends are too. she might not want to kiss a boy but just wants to know more about it, how it feels to be in love, and all the other girly things we shove down their throats at every angle.

    if you get on to her too hard tho, she will rebel on a major level. just stick to natural consequences and let it be known that her behavior is what's causing the consequences. she needs a little wiggle room & a little privacy, but yeah, good call on the punishments you gave her.
    okmanders

    Answer by okmanders at 3:31 PM on Feb. 4, 2013

  • My thoughts: First, I would not phrase it as it's "too advanced" for her. I would explain to her that this kind of behavior sends the wrong message - at any age. Whether she's showing her goods, or asking to see theirs, or just discussing it in general terms, it all sends the impression that's looking for something she may not be - and whether she's 11, 21, 31 or 81, that's NOT the message she wants to send.

    Other than that (and that's just my opinion, not saying you did anything wrong), I think what you did is fine. My 11 yr old boy does not have FB, and won't for at least another couple years, probably longer, because I don't feel they need it at that age. I would make sure, if you give it back, that you have the password from here on out - and I'd check that, and the phone, daily when (or rather IF) she gets them back.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 3:33 PM on Feb. 4, 2013

  • I think that her behavior is proof that she is not yet ready to handle the freedoms that you have granted her. I would quietly and calmly explain to her that I had made a mistake in believing that she could handle more responsibility for herself than she was prepared to handle. I would then tell her that she will be given opportunities to show me that she is growing and maturing, but that I will be the one to decide when she is ready for more "grown--up" activities. I would take her to school events, but she would not be allowed to attend unless I was present. She gets to have her fun, but she does it under your very watchful eye. We raised three children like this, and they turned out well without getting into trouble. It is possible for your children to enjoy their pre-teen and teen years while being protected from too much adult-like activity.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 3:40 PM on Feb. 4, 2013

  • Thank you for your replies,

    Wendy - I did have all her passwords which is how I found all this out. She failed to delete any of it (which may mean something?) What if she IS looking for sex because shes THAT curious? Because her peers tell her its cool? I know I cant prevent her from making horrible choices but I damn well want to try :( It seems I have already had these talks with her and she just doesnt get it. I just dont understand why shes going so above and beyond to get this kind of attention.

    Manders - I did give her the wiggle room. I talked with her about "boyfriends" when she wanted one and we agreed that was fine because she explained that it was more of a "title" and they just hung out together at school. I found out later, she was "making out" with him which she said she wasnt interested (lie) I give an inch and she takes a mile. If i dont stop this somehow, she'll end up having sex. Im scared to death.
    TooEarlyForGrey

    Comment by TooEarlyForGrey (original poster) at 3:44 PM on Feb. 4, 2013

  • Thank you NannyB! I figured it out...All this time, i as giving her too much room. And now have to let her earn it back. I was never really involved much before and gave her way too much freedom! So now, I go with her to whatever place she wants to go. I chaperone her every move and I dont give her the iphone or fb because she is clearly not ready for all that. I let her do the fun things in life but will always be right behind her...slowly giving her her space. *facepalm* how could I have been so silly to let her rampage on her own? No wonder she fell right into it all...
    TooEarlyForGrey

    Comment by TooEarlyForGrey (original poster) at 3:49 PM on Feb. 4, 2013

  • Have you considered sending her to an all girls school? I know it sounds extreme, but I remember that most of my boy crazy problem stemmed from having them around all of the time. You are not a bad mom, so stop beating your self up about it. I would say that more control is the best you can do, and when she messes up enforce the consequence, and when she does well reward her.
    jerseydiva

    Answer by jerseydiva at 4:14 PM on Feb. 4, 2013

  • Eleven? I think therapy should be a consideration. I do not think this is normal behavior for an 11 year old. It is very disturbing.
    booklover545

    Answer by booklover545 at 4:15 PM on Feb. 4, 2013

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Answers / Parenting / Tweens (9-12)

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